


Scratches

by HonestlyImKindaBored



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: (...that was a real tag apparently I did not invent that), Alternate Universe - Watford (Simon Snow), Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, First Kiss, Fluff, He's a homophobe so verbalised homophobia, M/M, Mild Smut, The Mage (Simon Snow) is an Asshole, ViolenceMentioned, baz reads aloud for simon when he can't sleep, bc they are the most adorable dorks you've ever seen, but baz is a good teacher so, but why can they share magic?, of course they can share magic, simon has a hard time in school
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:33:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 86,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27588191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HonestlyImKindaBored/pseuds/HonestlyImKindaBored
Summary: "He’s staring into nothing so hard he doesn’t see me. It gives me time to look at him a little longer, noticing something that makes the feeling that had been gnawing at me stronger. Because while he’s looking at everything and nothing at all, his eyes are missing something. Besides the beautiful plain blue, it normally has that what had fascinated me at first about him. Sparkles, glimmering, light. Life. Now, they’re so flat and empty I almost want to throw up.Something happened to him."Simon has had a rough summer, which leaves traces in the new semester. And no matter how hard Baz tries to keep his distance, circumstances and his own worries bring him closer to him than he had ever dared to dream.What in Crowley's name happened to Simon to lose that energy that made him so alive? And why doesn't he get better now that he's back?
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 313
Kudos: 238





	1. 1

**1**

**SIMON**

My feet were echoing loud against the walls of the small alley I was using as a shortcut. My bag, filled with almost nothing, was bouncing uncomfortably on my back, but I tried to ignore it. I was just hoping, praying even, that I would be on time for the bus.

Normally, I would leave as soon as I could from the care home the Mage had put me in, but this year… there were some troubles. I got delayed by some - I’m really thinking of a nice word, but whatever - assholes who had ruined my whole summer. Not that it’s nice otherwise, but I would’ve hidden as much as possible like every other year. But this year, I had made the mistake I had promised myself to never make again since I was seven years old. 

I had cried.

And it hadn’t even been in my power to prevent it, as I was sleeping. But it’s an unspoken surviving rule in a care home, especially for boys only, that you don’t cry if you don’t want to spend the next weeks or months in fear of getting overpowered and beaten up. They never let you live it down. It’s all about being prey or predator, and once you have your role or reputation, it’s over.

The adults who are supposed to care for you don’t care at all. Literally and figuratively. Sometimes I wonder if they even know how kids and young teens think or work. Other times it’s clear to me they rather bury their heads in the sands than intervene. 

I turned the corner and almost tripped over a sad-looking homeless man with an even sadder looking dog. The man weakly opened his hand, as if asking for money, but I was just as broke as he was. Other days, I would stop and search for something to share. A mint aero bar, some muesli stuff I had snatched away, but today I had nothing and I was running late. So late I really got scared I would miss the bus. I quickly rebalanced myself and whispered-said to him: ‘I’m sorry, I have nothing,’ before running away without looking back. I know I had no other choice, but I still felt my stomach clenching together. I’ve been in his position too, without the dog though, when I had run away from a care home when I was much younger. I had my reasons, but it was stupid anyway. I learned that even if you felt miserable under the shared roof, you still had a roof, which was a luxury you could use in most of the months in rainy England. 

It had been a long time since I had run so much, let alone practice sport at all, so my body and lungs were protesting in every possible way, but I couldn’t listen. I had to run. Because my heart sped up even more when I noticed a bus at the end of the street. I knew that the stop would be somewhere there, but I was still so far away.

I ran faster. My hand was in the air, waving frantically to get the driver's attention so he would see me and wait for me, but I feared he would think I was just a crazy street kid who didn’t even have money for the drive. Which was true, for most of the time, except for the once-in-a-year envelope in my backpack that the Mage had sent me a couple of weeks ago. The letter, tickets and directions that had nearly made me cry again. Of course, I didn’t. My summer had been bad enough because of that stupid, stupid dream.

The closer I got, the more I saw what was happening at the doors of the bus. There was an older lady with a walker trying to step in the rickety wiggling vehicle, making everybody wait and leaving me breathless with relief and exhaustion. I slipped to a stop and panted embarrassing loud to gather my breath. I felt the old lady looking curiously at me and I held up a hand in an excusing gesture before bringing out between my gasps: ‘Can I help you, ma’am?’ 

She smiled at me. ‘Oh, dear boy, you look like you’re going to faint yourself.’

‘It’s okay. A little out of practice, but glad I made it,’ I said, stretching my back and feeling it pop like I was an old man myself. The lady chuckled. ‘If it’s not too much, gladly then.’ 

I gently held her up under her left arm to balance her, while I tried to lift the walker with my other arm inside. That was harder than I thought since it’s pretty heavy with those big wheels and I was holding it from the side and not in the middle, but it worked. She then leaned on it to step up and was inside in no time.

‘Thank you, young man. You’re very kind. Glad to see there are still people like you,’ she preached with a glint in her eyes I liked. The driver was looking bored at the delay but smiled friendly anyway at both of us when we handed over our tickets. 

‘You’re welcome. Can you reach a seating place?’ I asked to be certain. We both looked into the bus and saw only a man in the back with his headphones on and eyes closed. 

‘Yes, no problem. Just here in the front is okay,’ she answered while making her way to one of the grey seats. I nodded. ‘Okay. Well. Uhm. See you later, I guess,’ I said awkwardly. Not that we would ever meet again probably, but what do you say otherwise? She just smiled back and wished me a nice day, which I returned.

A nice day. Oh yes, it was a nice day. The nicest day of the year, I dare say. The day I finally leave whatever care I was in for two bloody months to travel back to my only home in the world.

I was tired as hell for not sleeping enough these last weeks, as I had spent all my energy on those fucked up guys, although mostly it was one guy with his followers. There were always shitty teenagers. Younger or older, that didn’t matter. It was your force and influence that mattered, but mostly I only met them at the homes. Which was not very unlogic, since we were all broken and problematic in some way. Watford had bullies too, but the rules there were stricter, so it was different and somewhat safer anyway.

Of course, I had the misfortune to room with one. But even Baz was more sophisticated in his ways to torture my life than the raw fighting or violence I had endured during all the summers and years in homes. 

Baz. He would be a predator in those homes. One to be afraid off for real. And it was more than just his vampire looks and vampire features and powers - even if he never really used them - but the way he looked down on you and sneered as if his life depended on it. I had only seen his dad two times, but I could guess from who he had learned it. I had always been curious at how that git spends his summers in his probably gigantic house with that dark Old Family of his. 

Maybe he used all his free time for plotting. Maybe he had books from his ancestors filled with pranks and ways to become the predator in his environment. I mean, he couldn’t have invented everything he had ever done by himself, could he? He wasn’t that genius? He must have had his sources in one of those old leather books he sometimes carried with him. 

I didn’t want to close my eyes, for I was too afraid to miss the stop where I needed to catch my train, but I did try to rest my head against the window. Not that that was comfortable, since it shook and trilled so hard that the headache that was already forming only grew. I tried to lean back instead and felt the sleeves of my hoody brush against my arms. It tickled. I had half a mind to just take it off, but then my arms would be bare, and I preferred that even less. So I just rubbed at my wrist and the skin above to stop the itching feeling that had plagued me for weeks now. 

My thoughts were wandering off to everything I never let myself think of to prevent getting ‘homesick’. Penny. Agatha. Scones and roasted beef. Magic, sword fighting, even the Wavering Woods and the Catacombs, since it was all part of the amazing Watford that made me feel at ease and part of the Wizarding World. And then, last but not least, my room.

I mean, our room. It was Baz’s too, unfortunately. But still, even if I had to share it with someone else, it was still more my room than whatever room I had ever slept or lived in. The room where a perfectly fitting uniform and pyjama would be laid out. The first kind of clothes I ever owned that didn’t slosh around my body, automatically bombarded to my let’s-wear-them-everyday-clothes, to the great dismay of Penny. And Baz’s. But I didn’t care about his opinion. 

My hand had now slipped under my sleeve and was mindlessly pulling on a scab until it came off and started to bleed. It didn’t matter. In a few hours, I would be back and I was planning on taking a shower before eating an awesome dinner with enough food to fill me twice. I always do, and I always regretted it at night, because my body wasn’t used to that much food anymore and I got sick. But I couldn’t seem to care and did it again every year.

My hand wandered towards the second scab. I tried to just rub it, but in the end, I pulled it open too and then I had two bleeding wounds. I sighed because I didn’t have tissues with me, so I just pulled my sleeve back over my hand and tried to forget about it.

Baz would take out one of his posh handkerchiefs, probably with a gentleman’s bow as well, because he is that dramatic. Although it would’ve been useful, I could survive without. 

I breathed in, breathed out, not thinking. Come on, Simon. You’re almost home.

**BAZ**

I’m am trying to prevent myself from being a mean brother for Mordelia right now, but she makes it hard for my reflexes. She is jumping around my room, singing and dancing to a new pop song about some stupid hetero crush on repeat and pleading me to stay another day. I had decided to return to Watford earlier this year because my father drove me mad with his insinuations about dating girls and planning the War. The Old Families have tried to find out inside information about Snow and the Mage, but they didn’t seem to realise that I didn’t know more than any of them. Even after interviewing me six times. Six bloody times. Crowley, what a way to spend your summer.

Three days ago, I couldn’t handle it anymore. I asked my father if I could return a day earlier. He had raised his eyebrow, not pleased with this request, so I immediately gave the most convincing reason to ease his mood.

‘We are not getting anywhere with the War against the Mage if we don’t find out anything. We can’t start soon enough, and maybe he is less careful at the beginning of the year. I know that Snow always returns early, and I dare to say he meets with the Mage. Maybe I can find out something when they are not prepared.’

His eyebrow dropped again and I read approval in his eyes. I was too relieved with how easy it was to roll my eyes at his only interest. At the same time, I tried not to cringe at myself with the reason why I wanted to return earlier, leaving my family and house behind.

‘Please, Basil,’ Mordelia whined while I was folding some dress shirts into the most perfect squares you can imagine, ‘you are the whole year at school! You promised to bake a Furby cake with me!’

‘Maybe you need to see a doctor, Mordy, because for some reason my mind reminds me we baked a Furby cake three days ago. And last week. And before that also two or three times.’ Mordelia was obsessed with Furbys this summer, but I didn’t worry too much. Last summer, she had a voodoo phase and we had survived even worse hypes. The cakes were good, I had to admit that, but that was not because she had done much about it. It was all mine and Vera’s work, and after four cakes, it had been enough. And definitely because Mordelia kept going on that ‘we hadn’t made cake yet’.

‘But you never even ate it!’ she cried out and I didn’t answer her. I just went to the bathroom to pack my stuff. The sooner I was done, the sooner I could go hunt and go to bed. I hoped I would be able to sleep because I wanted to appear fabulous at school. Once you had a reputation, you had standards to live up to.

‘When do you come back?’ Mordelia pouted.

‘For your birthday. End November You know that, you asked me yourself.’ I haven’t returned to Hampshire for birthdays for three years. I wasn’t really in the mood to celebrate with my father next to me who pointedly ignored my coming-out. But now that Mordelia was older and there were things expected from me, I decided I could handle one more awkward dinner.

‘But that is so long,’ she whines, drawing out the o. I start to lose my patience and turn to her, but I don’t have a chance to pick at her, because she says: ‘I miss you, Basil.’

I froze. She stood there in her way too long T-shirt of Linkin Park I once gave her to irritate my father, and she clenched her right hand in her sleeve, something she had always done since she was a little kid and about to cry. All my frustration disappeared, and I opened my arms. She ran to me and hugged me so hard I almost gasped, but I didn’t, because you know, power strength. I lifted her up, placed her on my hip and she instinctively acted like a koala by consuming my body with her legs and arms. I huffed out a laugh and I rubbed at her back.

‘I’m sorry, little puff. But we can still call and chat. I will even write a letter if you want to.’ Daphne had given her her old phone to keep in touch with me since she used to cry sometimes last year because she missed me. My heart broke when she told me, and I wrote her a letter as a surprise. She was so happy I never stopped, and apparently she kept them all. Seems that she liked receiving letters more than receiving texts.

Snow used to think I was plotting. Of course. He glared at me while writing and I heard him complaining about my obvious evil plans to Bunce. He had tried for weeks to find out what I was doing, until one day, he didn’t. I guess he found one of them because I swear I had hidden the letter I was writing the night before somewhere else and Snow is dumb enough to not put things back where he found them. The next week, he had left me alone, until there was something else to accuse me from.

‘Will you write on that blue glitter paper I gave you?’ Mordelia asked me, voice muffled from her hiding space in my hair. I grinned, imagining how Snow would react when he would see blue glitter brief paper on my desk. He would probably think I was collaborating with fairies, plotting his downfall.

‘I don’t know about that, Mordy. We’ll see.’ Even though I would like to see Snow's reaction, I wasn’t very thrilled about using that paper. It was ridiculous. But Mordelia looked at me with pleading eyes and I sighed: ‘Maybe only on special occasions.’ Knowing she wasn’t getting more, she nodded seriously as though we just made an important business deal. It was adorable.

After that, she went to her mom and I went to the forest behind the house. Enjoying the silence and a rabbit or two, I imagined how tomorrow would go. My head betrayed me by wandering off to the dark side again. I saw the blue eyes that had plagued my entire summer behind my eyelids and I let it be. I was tired of trying to switch my thoughts to something more boring than his boring plain normal blue eyes.

I couldn’t wait to see them in real life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's get started! I'm so excited!  
> (Please tell me if you come across grammar mistakes because English is not my native language ;) )


	2. 2

**2**

**SIMON**

Baz came back earlier than expected. And the universe apparently hates me, because I found out in a very, very uncomfortable way.

I was showering for longer than I could remember I had ever done before, savouring the warm water I missed for months until it went cold. Drying myself with Watford’s soft towels, I started humming some non-existing song out of pure joy, but I stopped when I glanced at myself in the mirror.

I was always skinny at the end of the summer, but for some reason, it felt like it was worse this year. My hair hadn’t grown back fully after I shaved it, and I tried to suppress the feeling of disgust.

I… I was just so… ugly. How did I manage to get freckles, moles, messy curls and this clumsy body all at the same time? How was that possible? Why? Was being an orphan without useful words and the worst Chosen One ever not enough?

I closed my eyes, cheerful mood gone at once, and I turned around to grab my clothes, but then I saw the bloodstain on my sleeve and I remembered the fitting uniform on my bed again. I forgot to bring it with me, so I quickly put on pants and opened the door.

It wasn’t until I heard a gasp behind me that I realised I wasn’t alone. With the speed of light, I turned around, ready to spell the Sword of Mages, but fell still when I looked into the shocked face of a familiar bloke with two big grey eyes and a slightly opened mouth. Baz Pitch stood there, body half turned towards me, but attention nowhere else than on me.

His dark hair fell in soft waves around his face, something he almost never did at school. It was always slicked back, except for the times when he came back from his late-night adventures or when he came out of the shower. When he wasn’t sneering or frowning, it complimented his face and sharp cheekbones, just like it did now. He wasn’t tanned, not even a little. Probably a side effect from being a vampire, but it complemented his look for some reason. He was wearing a dark grey shirt, which gave him an aesthetic contrast, and he was-…

I gulped. His long legs were packed tightly in dark blue jeans, hugging his calves in an impossible way. It was obvious how fit he was, even after the lack of two months of football practice. And suddenly, I was painfully aware of my own looks and my face became blood red.

I had no idea what to do, until I did. I grabbed my uniform and locked myself up again in the bathroom. My heart was racing from embarrassment and I tried to calm my harsh breathing that he could definitely hear through the door with his super hearing. I could almost imagine his face once he would’ve gotten over his initial shock of seeing me almost naked. _That scruffy kid was even more of a miserable thing than last time. Did he really need to ruin my sight with that stunt? Crowley, eat some garbage if you’re hungry, you homeless disaster._

By the time I calmed down enough and put on my - satisfying fitting - uniform, my hair was almost completely dry from the time I had spent hiding. A minute later, I saw that our room was empty and Baz had left.

**BAZ**

Merlin and Morgana, Aleister Crowley and oh my freaking God, what the hell was that?!

I knew I could’ve expected something when I granted him with an early return, but that I would be blessed with this present wasn’t something I would’ve dared to dream of. I knew, being logical, that he had moles and freckles further than his face, neck, arms and torso - Snow loves to sleep without a shirt, but every time again… what a sight - but now I know that he has them on his thighs too. And even in that little time I had to study his patterns, I already saw the one which would torture me in my next pining nights and shower sessions.

It had taken me some seconds to pull myself together, but he needed some more, and my gaze was back on his face just in time to see his Adams apple move in its typical show effect. It had taken me every ounce of control not to grab him and lick his neck right there, feeling the vibrations of the groan he would produce.

I swear I needed to stop thinking like that. I wasn’t going to survive this year if this seemed to be my reaction to him from the start. So the second he retreated back to the bathroom, face as red as possible and not saying a word, I left the room and went down to the catacombs. Even though this place had a lot of memories that included Snow too, it was the only place where I could be alone, granted with the company of my mother’s grave. That does sound pretty sad, but it has been two months since I last was here and I was in no mood to feel sorry for myself.

I sat down next to my mother’s grave and quickly refreshed the flowers that have completely perished since the last time I was here.

‘Hi mom,’ I muttered. ‘Fancy seeing you here.’

The silence was deafening and I felt the urge to fill it, but I didn’t. What would I say? That my roommate drives me crazy, but not because he’s a disaster? That my father wants me to engage with The Old Families more, but that I resent the idea of fighting in the War more and more with the years because that means fighting him? I mean, I would do everything for my family, but I don’t see another result than him ending me with my last words on my lips, torturing him for the rest of his life. Secretly, I hoped he would feel guilty. That was the least he could do after everything he did to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rather short chapter.. next on will be longer :)


	3. 3

**3**

**SIMON**

Penny isn’t coming back until tomorrow, so I eat dinner on my own. The dining hall is pretty empty. Most students stay as long as they can at home since they have to be at school long enough, missing their family. But I’m not, and Baz apparently neither this year. I had scanned the room anxiously when I entered, but he wasn’t here, and right now I was debating with myself if I could just skip one meal so the chance I would have to see him now would reduce. I quickly dismissed that idea. Baz’s presence wasn’t going to keep me away from quality food, and besides, it would only be a matter of time before I would see him in our room again. So, I ate two giant portions of roast beef and then some super sweet vanilla pudding. Almost too sweet for my taste, but you don’t hear me complaining. I need sugars.

I know I have ridiculous table manners. Penny had said that multiple times to me and I could even deduce that from Baz’ expressions when I would catch him looking at me with horror in his eyes. I always slow down when I see him looking like that, feeling ashamed, but then I realise that it is ridiculous that I would give him that power over me so I just continue. When I catch him glancing at me after that, my eyes involuntary dare him to say something about it so I could fight him, but of course, he doesn’t. He just sneers and then pointedly ignores me for the rest of the meal which only vexes me more and makes me spill my magic until Penny goes sick and begs me to calm down. Then I feel ashamed all over again and promise myself over and over that I need to stop letting Baz get under my skin. But, as I already said, that git is raised to torture me.

My arm is itching again and I rub it, using the friction of my sleeve to make it stop. It takes a while, but it lessens enough to bear it and I start eating again. I think about everything and nothing. Wishing for Penny and Agatha to come back. Hoping that this year my grades will be better than last year and that I handle my magic and words better. Dreaming about finding the perfect solution to defeat the Humdrum and eventually win the War. Hoping - despite knowing better - that I will live this through. That I will be able to live longer than my nineteenth birthday. Crowley, I would give everything to fulfil the plans that Penny and I had made for fun during our years. Buying a flat together, getting to college, travel around England in an old camper, stargazing in the fields and roasting marshmallows above a fire.

There was a time that we included Agatha in these plans too, but she never seemed as enthusiastic as we did.

‘Why not?’ I had asked her once. We were sitting on the tribunes late at night. It was almost time for curfew, but we were so comfortable that neither of us made an attempt to go back. I had missed it. Even though I was her boyfriend, I never seemed to spend much time with her.

‘I don’t know. I just… I imagine my life different than you guys do.’ She was silent after that, but I sensed she wasn’t finished, so I kept my mouth. ‘They are not my plans. You and Penny made them, and then we started dating and I just tagged along, but it just isn’t what I want to do.’

The air felt chilly. I didn’t know if it was like this the whole evening or if it suddenly became clear that the sun was gone, but I did start to shiver a little. Knowing that I always run hot, I could imagine that Agatha was freezing and I draped my arm around her shoulders. She leaned on me, but it felt more like a reflex than a romantic feeling. Like it always did, I realised unwillingly.

‘What do you want?’ I asked softly. I knew I wasn’t going to like the answer, but at the same time, it felt like we had been procrastinating this for months.

‘I… I don’t know,’ she sighed. ‘But I do know that I feel jealous of Minty’s life.’

I recalled her talking about this Normal friend of hers and I felt confused. ‘What do you mean?’

She hesitated, but the night felt like a place to talk more than you would do on other days. Eventually, she said: ‘I don’t like magic as much as you do. Or Penny, or my parents or anyone else in this school. Sometimes… sometimes I wish I was a Normal. Sometimes that is how I want to imagine my future life.’

I had no idea what to say. I couldn’t grasp the idea of not living around magic, even though I did every summer. I loved magic. The fact that I had so much made me feel like a real person. Being part of this World of Mages was what had given my life meaning.

‘That is indeed something completely different,’ I said after a long silence. She huffed.

‘Simon?’ she wasn’t looking at me, but I felt the tension in her body. ‘Do you really think we are meant to be?’

My heart had ached and I didn’t really trust my voice. I tried to remember how she felt there, sitting close to me, how her hair smelled like soft roses and her left knee touching mine. I tried to imprint every sensation, so I would be able to remember it forever. ‘You don’t?’ I whispered.

She silently sat up straight and looked me in the face, but not my eyes. ‘How can we if our futures already look as different as now?’

She was right. Penny was right. It knew it was the right thing, but I wish it wasn’t. I felt tears but fought them. She had taken my hands in hers and had said: ‘I’m so sorry.’

That night, I hadn’t returned to our room until the sun almost came back. I had slept through breakfast and was a zombie for the whole day. Penny tried to talk to me, but I was not in the mood, so she had left me alone. Ironically, it was Baz who had said something that made me realise that we never had the passion that’s supposed to be there in a relation.

‘Why such a long face, Snow? Troubles in paradise?’ he had said when he found me curled up in a ball on my bed that evening. He was sitting on his bed with his books and papers and looked at me with a boring expression like he didn’t enjoy my miserable state.

‘Yes,’ I just said. I was tired and missed the energy to fight him. I actually needed to study for the important test the day after, since my grades were already pretty low, but I knew there was no chance I would remember anything in the morning.

‘Don’t worry. I shall welcome Wellbelove with open arms when she realises she likes me better.’ I rolled around at his words, taking in his smirk and relaxed posture. I looked him in the eyes. Grey and barely visible in the dim room, narrowed and spotting. I couldn’t help a small smile.

‘I don’t think she will,’ I said, thinking back of her words that she doesn’t want a life with magic. I didn’t know anyone besides Penny who loved magic as much as Baz. Agatha knew that.

Baz seemed a bit surprised at my lack of fight and response. ‘You seem to underestimate my charms,’ he had said, tucking a straw of hair back behind his ear. He looked like an immortal vampire who deserved to be worshipped when he sat there, moonlight tracing his jaw.

‘I don’t,’ I said without thinking, and to my surprise, I saw his body stiffen and eyes widen. He quickly composed himself again, but I had seen it and I wondered what it had meant. ‘I just understand that the reason she broke up with me is the same as why she wouldn’t chase you,’ I went on, never losing contact with his eyes.

‘Then why are you sulking? It seems like a mutual decision when you put it like that.’ There was a slightly curious tone in his voice.

‘It wasn’t. It hurts. I don’t want to lose her,’ I said without shame, and for a second, he averted his gaze to something else.

There fell a silence different than the one there was before. Baz had stopped writing and was just staring at his books and I knew he was aware of how I was looking at him. I didn’t look away though. He was the first one I had a conversation within almost twenty-four hours and it didn’t even went horrible. Probably because I didn’t answer his baits. Would it be like this every time if he wasn’t set on hurting and if I was calm enough to resist his taunts?

‘But…,’ I fell silent, searching for words, not believing what I was going to say. I rolled onto my back and said: ‘I think you have a point. There is no point in sulking.’

I didn’t look at him, and he didn’t seem to know what to say. After some seconds, he stood up and retreated to the bathroom to get ready for bed. ‘You’re so pathetic,’ he murmured, but I wasn’t affronted and he knew it. We hadn’t said another word about it, but I kept thinking about what this meant. For some reason, I had known for months she wasn’t fully invested in us - maybe partly my fault since I’m such a terrible boyfriend - and that I could’ve expected this, although maybe for other reasons than our future plans. But this didn’t mean I had to lose her. In fact, I would be an even more terrible friend when I wouldn’t support her.

The next day, I asked her to meet me outside on the Great Lawn. I told her the bare truth that I didn’t want to lose her, that I loved her too much and she nearly started crying. ‘I love you too, Simon. I really do,’ and we had hugged tightly. She sat with us at dinner again and it felt like nothing had changed.

I found out we always were better as friends than as a couple. We had even acted like that. That moment, I felt good and sorted out, because I had managed to say what I wanted and I had saved my friendship with one of the most important people of my life. I think she was glad too.

And I was right. She never made a move to Baz. And surprisingly, he stopped flirting with her. It seemed like he had believed me.

Baz didn’t come to dinner at all, and when I came back to our room after a late sword practice in the woods, he still wasn’t there. I wondered if he was plotting already, or why he wasn’t mocking me for seeing me so dishevelled this afternoon. Not that you hear me complaining. I enjoyed our empty room as much as possible before he opened the door a little before midnight. I was still awake but wondered if he could tell.

Probably yes. If I knew how his breathing was different when he was asleep then he would know about mine too. The room was dark and I was laying on my side, facing the wall. He closed the window on his way to his bed and I had to suppress a sigh. I was already getting too hot and made that clear by kicking off the thin blanket that had covered me. He didn’t turn around, so I was right guessing he knew I was awake.

Normally, I would sleep without a shirt, but not this time. He had already seen way too much of me. No reason to tempt him to make shitty remarks.

We were laying there, staring in the dark at everything and nothing. I regretted not having the traditional night alone, but it didn’t felt much different than other years actually. Except for his breathing, but I was used to that. I kind of wanted to ask him why he was already here. Not just because it was suspicious, but also because I wanted to know if it was real. That Baz was really here, in our room, at the beginning of our new year, leaving summer behind. Even though I maybe didn’t want it, Baz was unmistakably connected to this, and I couldn’t imagine Watford without him.

I didn’t ask him anything. I fell asleep without hearing his posh voice on our first day back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have this fanfiction version of Agatha in my head that I really like, but she's still a side character here... Honestly, there are so many versions of her in all the works online, but she could really be a complex and beautiful character :)


	4. 4

**4**

**BAZ**

Life goes on, some weeks go by and seeing Snow without clothes becomes an unbelievable memory, powered up by my own imagination on my weak days. He doesn’t even _sleep_ without a shirt anymore, even though I know he’s hot. Literally and figuratively, but that’s beside the point. I was afraid of his reaction after that first day. I mean, surely he must’ve seen me scanning his body? He can’t be that thick? I was almost eating him alive.

Figuratively. Because you never know with a vampire.

But I didn’t need to worry. As soon as I was sneering again, he seemed to remember our roles as enemies and he acted as usual again. Blustering, fighting, being suspicious of me when I turned a page in my book. I hated that I loved it, but I had missed him so much I craved for every piece of attention he gave me.

But there is something that gnaws at me when I look at him, and it is not because of this stupid crush. I don’t know what exactly, since everything went as normal as it could between us, but it makes me frown after one of our sometimes sickeningly domestic arguments, with that damned window as the iconic example.

The feeling creeps back when I sit with Dev and Niall in the library. They had asked me to come study with them, and even though I already knew everything that could possibly be asked on the test, I went with them since the alternative was sitting in our room with Snow, having no other option than pining after him when he was half dozing off with a pencil in his mouth and the books and papers spread out around him on his bed. I had seen him like that multiple times the last weeks, almost asleep and getting nothing done in the end. It seemed he didn’t sleep very well.

But my efforts seemed for nothing because as soon as I had entered the library, my vision was filled with bronze curls on the other side of the room. So I ended up staring and pining after all, but I had to be even more careful. Not everyone was as thick as Snow.

Bunce is ticking with a pencil on a book, trying to explain him something, but the more she tries, the more he loses focus. After a while, he just shakes his head and chews so hard on his pencil I almost think he’s going to break it. Bunce lays her hand on his arm and asks him something, but he doesn’t look at her. Instead, he looks up and catches me staring.

In fact, I should be the one who’s embarrassed, but the idiot gets red himself and his posture seems to scream: _what is your problem?_ I raise my eyebrow at him, mocking and lazy, almost as to say that I have time enough to do what I want since I understand all my lessons. Not that he can read my mind - thank Crowley - so he doesn’t really know what I want to say, but he’s affronted anyway. I watch him clenching his teeth and smell the bonfire magic filling the room. Several students look up, dazed or annoyed, including Dev and Niall who grunt when they see the problem.

‘I have no idea what it is with the Chosen One these last days, but he’s always on the edge of going off in every possible situation,’ Niall says with a low voice. I glance at Snow again, who is tried to be calmed down by Bunce but obviously just wants to get out of the room.

‘Yeah, I noticed it too,’ Dev answers. ‘And he’s always falling asleep, but most teachers don’t say a word about it. So unfair. If that was me; oh Crowley.’

‘He does look like he can use it. Maybe he has been taken away by the Mage to fight all night long? Because seriously, he looks miserable,’ Niall states. I shake my head, but not really as an answer. Instead, I just say: ‘Doesn’t he always?’

Both snicker shortly before Dev asks Niall about a question, quickly forgetting about our Chosen One. But I don’t. Niall’s words keep ringing in my head. Is he just looking bad because he’s tired? Because he is in the room every night, sleeping. I watch him often enough to be sure of that. He does have nightmares more than other years. At least for this time of the year. Most of the times, he’s a calm sleeper at the beginning of our first semester, but he has already woken me up multiple times with a muffled scream or his heavy breathing. It could be why his shoulders look that heavy, hanging forward.

Snow stands up, grabbing some stuff from the table and putting it in his bag without caring how messy that could get. Then I watch him walking away. Maybe it’s just his posture that makes him seem miserable. Like he doesn’t fit in his own body, still getting used to how to use it. But why? Most of the time, he’s clumsy, but in an adorable way that nobody minded.

Now, he moves differently. Uncomfortable. I try to find a way to explain it as I see him disappearing through the doors, taking his magic with him. It isn’t until I see a young tall boy standing up with his friends to leave that I realise what I’m searching. Lanky.

He’s too skinny.

Of course, I hadn’t been paying attention to what he ate every time, but normally, by this time of the month, he would’ve gained enough weight to lose his malnourished posture. For some reason, he’s always incredibly skinny after the summer. I always thought the Mage takes him constantly on missions, forgetting he was a young growing boy who needs lots of food. Since I do not see the Mage as a very caring type, no matter how much Snow looks up to him, that seems reasonable. But why he’s still like this right now, I don’t know.

‘You okay, mate?’ Niall nudges my arm and I realise I was frowning. I quickly school my expression and say: ‘Yes, I just remembered I was going to practice my violin but left my music sheets in my room.’ I stand up, closing a book that had laid untouched before me and nod at them. ‘See you tomorrow.’ They both nod, get back to work and I walk out into the almost empty corridors.

I hadn’t forgotten my sheets, obviously, but I was planning on playing anyway, so I start walking to the practice areas. There’s a late summer sun shining low on the horizon and I’m rather cold, so I quicken my pace to be as fast as possible back in the building. My father had given me new music as a back-to-school gift; a violin adaption from Mozart. Concerto no.5 in A major to be exactly. I was pretty excited to try it out and challenge myself to learn it as quick as possible. Keeps things interesting.

I’m almost there, walking around one of the last corners when I see a figure leaning against the wall in front of me. He manages to catch the last sun rays to lighten up his tanned skin and I have no idea how. Like the sun himself worshipped his heir on earth, caressing his body and existence. I mean, if I was the sun, I would, but that’s quite ironic since I’m flammable. I would probably be the moon, watching over the boy I could not have.

Scared of letting him see my adoration for him, I make sure I look as bored as possible. No need. He’s staring into nothing so hard he doesn’t see me, giving me time to look at him a little longer, noticing something that makes the feeling that had been gnawing at me stronger. Because while he’s looking at everything and nothing at all, his eyes are missing something. Besides the beautiful plain blue, it normally has that what had fascinated me at first about him. Sparkles, glimmering, light. Life. Now, they’re so flat and empty I almost want to throw up.

Something happened to him. It explains the feeling in my gut that things are different. The nightmares, the movements in walking. I wonder if Bunce knows. I wonder if he has told anybody, or if he keeps silent as the self-sacrificing hero that he is. I hope he doesn’t. Keep silent, that is. I had enough experience in things like that to know that he can use some help.

But not mine. I wish I could just go to him, care his face like the moonlight does at night, catching his tears after a bad dream. I want to graze his scalp with my fingers, letting his soft curls find a way through my hands. I want to embrace him, protect him from what hurts him, saying that it is okay.

He wouldn’t let me, of course. I’m often enough one of the causes of his pain out of pure stupid self-protection. I cannot wander too close to the sun, and I would do it in an instance, getting hurt in the end.

Forcing myself to walk away does not keep my mind from staying with him. Maybe I should calm down a little on him. Ignore him instead of sneering. Knowing him, he’s going to think I’m saving my energy for a big plot, but at least I wouldn’t hurt him with my words.

Mozart isn’t able to cheer me up. Irritated with myself for not giving my life and heart a break from Snow, I pack up my stuff and just sit on the floor while listening to the song I’m supposed to play on repeat.

The sun is now completely gone. I always feel easier at night. Everything feels less harsh and easier to decide. Trust it to a creature of the dark to have the ability to decide what has to be done better at night.

I’m concentrating on my breathing, feeling a bubble of responsibility in my chest I usually ignore. Not today. Today I promise myself to start handling things differently for myself. It’s not because _I_ don’t want to suffer, that other people had to suffer because of that, and definitely not when it was Simon Snow. I breathe in, breathe out, the promise to start looking after him as secretly as I can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go Baz! Go save your man!  
> ... I mean, we all know it's never that simple with these two :)  
> Hope you enjoy it so far!


	5. 5

**5**

**SIMON**

I have no idea what is wrong with me, but I know I’m starting to look as miserable as I feel the moment Penny’s eyes begin to hint pity. Penny never pities someone, saying people need to take responsibility for their choices and consequences. And if something bad happens to them, then that’s life. _Mourn a little, then deal with it_ , she used to say at the beginning of our first year when she still socialised with other students. I was one of the only people who could deal with that attitude and that shows in her number of friends. But she says she has enough friends with Agatha, Micah and me, that if she had more, she would not concentrate enough on the people that matter the most to her. It had warmed me with so much love for her when she had said that I almost started to cry. Even though I didn’t, she saw the emotion in my eyes. I don’t think she really understood why that got to me so hard, but it felt fucking good to feel loved and I promised to heaven and hell I would go through fire for Penelope Bunce, my best friend.

‘Simon, what’s wrong?’ she asks at breakfast. There is a large book in front of her that she is reading for fun. Really, my best friend reads thick books from hundred years ago and longer for fun. How did we end up together?

‘Nothing. Just a short night,’ I answer. It’s not a lie, but it’s not the complete truth and she knows it. Penny always knows when I’m lying or hiding something.

‘If that was the only thing, then you would be eating even more scones than usual, since your body would’ve been busy digesting the whole night, leaving you hungrier than after a normal night. You only ate one scone, Simon. What’s wrong?’ she asks again. I have no idea what to say because I have no idea what is wrong with me.

‘I don’t know. Just… feeling restless. My grades aren’t good either. I had hoped it would go better this year, but I just suck at studying. You saw it too, yesterday,’ I say, remembering her attempts to help me with my homework for Greek and my brains lack of response. I was feeling so stupid and dumb, not understanding things I had learned three years ago and the feeling of fear had somehow found a way to my stomach. Fear of not being good enough for Watford. I only succeeded with barely enough grades thanks to Penny and probably me being me, the Mages heir, the fucking Chosen One.

I had to give Penny credits. She kept trying to explain me the basics that probably bore her out of her mind over and over, meanwhile calming me and my magic down. It was no use. In the end, I still didn’t understand a thing and I had to leave the library after I got so worked up seeing Baz watching everybody working their ass of while doing nothing at all, raising that ridiculous eyebrow of him and it just… it was so unfair I could scream. He’s such an asshole, but still manages to succeed in everything he does, including getting way too easily under my skin. Penny said I should be able to choose who got to me and who didn’t, since it’s my life, but practising that mindful shit takes energy I don’t have. Not right now. So I just left to make sure nobody died because of me and spend till late at night outside feeling sorry for myself. Not late enough. Pitch still wasn’t in our room when I came back.

Fucking plotting vampire.

‘Simon? Are you listening?’ Penny waves her hand in front of me and I blink. She sighs. That doesn’t make me feel any better.

‘You just have some trouble concentrating. And even though you say you never think, you clearly think way too much these days,’ she says, picking in her eggs. She’s right, as usual. Maybe I‘m just tired because my mind isn’t used to thinking this much. I want to believe that so hard, concluding that that was the problem, that I decided to do it. I believed it. I nod and say: ‘Yeah, you’re right. Who could have seen that coming.’

She huffs and turns her page. It’s not until I eat another scone that I see her relax.

\---

‘Mr. Snow! When you want to sleep, don’t do that in my lesson,’ I startled from a loud voice right beside me and looked up at an irritated Miss Possibelf. The whole class was watching me and some snickered at my embarrassment. I’m pretty sure my face was as red as a stop sign and I felt Penny touch my thigh as a sign of compassion.

‘I’m sorry Ma’am,’ I murmured, looking down at my almost empty notebook. It was the last lesson of the day, which showed in every way. My concentration had been awful for the whole day, but this was the worst of all lessons.

‘I’m sure you are, but this isn’t the first time and I have my limits. You can stay in detention to catch up with what you missed.’ She walked to the front of the class, but my classmates gaze kept hanging on me. It was like everybody was whispering things, talking behind my back, laughing at me. I felt so awful and my stomach turned around. I regretted the scones I had eaten to satisfy Penny so much right now.

It’s not that I was that upset about detention. I knew I actually deserved it. She was right, it wasn’t the first time. Most teachers had let it slip, probably again because it’s me, and I was actually glad Miss Possibelf gave me what she would give anyone else. It was just… I was so embarrassed, more than I would probably be on other days. It was just another proof of me being too dumb for this. My body couldn’t even do what it was supposed to do. Being awake by day, sleep at night.

And then I heard Niall whisper a little too loud: ‘There there Dev, he’s finally being treated like the Normal he is.’ Before I knew, my magic was pouring out of me like a tap I couldn’t close. I heard someone coughing and I tried, I really tried to keep it back. I was so embarrassed it had no name, but I needed all my concentration on cooling off. Penny’s hand squeezed my leg, wordlessly saying I needed to calm down, like I didn’t already know that. I looked up at her, hoping it would help to ground me, but it had the opposite effect. Now her eyes didn’t show pity, but even more worry and I felt so bad for making her spill energy and feelings on me that I had to look away…

I locked eyes with Baz. He was looking at me over his shoulders and his eyes bore into mine.

I couldn’t look away, for I read in a split of a second something I almost thought I imagined it. He looked back to the front of the class, leaving no smirk behind, confirming more that I had truly seen it. But it couldn’t. Why would he?

Why would Baz be concerned?

It was a surprisingly sobering question and the twist of thoughts in my mind seemed to ease my magic, making a student behind me sigh in relief. I saw Penny looking at me in the corner of my eyes, so I threw her a reassuring smile, showing that I had the control back. She smiled back, but it wasn’t more than a twist of the corners of her mouth. I tried to pretend I didn’t saw it. I was thinking more of Baz.

Was this a plot? Getting Niall to say something as shitty as he could and then let me think he wasn’t as bad as I thought? Because that was not going to work. One emotion other than hate from him isn’t going to let me forget all the things he has done, all the attempts to murder me, all the insults and pranks he let me go through. I clenched my fist around my pen, feeling the hard lines in the palm of my hand. I imagined it was like a stake I could use as a weapon just as hard as he was sometimes. I imagined my gaze would be as fierce as that weapon, so the next time he would look at me, he would know he couldn’t mess with me.

But he didn’t look at me again that lesson. Not even a glance when it ended and he stepped beside me to the door. Not even a second of his attention, like he had already given me more than I was worth.

I felt even emptier than before.

I was almost twenty minutes in detention, scribbling notes on some paper when a small black bird flew inside and landed on my desk. I immediately knew it was from the Mage and my heart pounded a tad faster, more alive and enthusiastic than it had been doing for weeks. The last time must’ve been when I had received the letter for my new year at the end of August.

I petted the bird lightly on his head and it flew away, freed from his task. Miss Possibelf had stopped writing, knowing what I was going to ask after reading the note.

_‘Simon, please come to my office._

_We have a mission waiting._

_The Mage’_

‘I’m sorry Ma’am, but the Mage asks if I can go to his office,’ I said. I did feel bad. I could imagine she wasn’t happy about letting me go earlier, no matter who summoned me. I was right.

‘You know I can’t deny you that, Mr. Snow, but I still want you to sit out the other thirty minutes tomorrow. Can you come to this classroom after your last class?’

I nodded, already standing and eagerly packing my stuff. ‘Of course Ma’am. Thank you. See you tomorrow.’

She nodded tightly as a response and went back to work, giving me the sign I could go. Within minutes, I stood before the Mage’s office, panting a little from the running and the stairs, ready for some adrenaline.

Crowley, I needed the action so hard right now.

‘Simon, come in,’ he said after I knocked on the half-open door. He was observing a map on his desk, pinning down little flags. I went to stand beside him and without looking up, he said: ‘We have a lot of things to do.’

It was late at night when we came back. We passed curfew, the gates were closed, the bridge was up, but of course, that’s not a problem when you’re with the Mage. With one flick of his wand, we were inside, and it almost pained me to see the contrast between his control and mine.

I really fucked up today's mission to the point that I did more bad than good. The one thing the Mage told me to do, fighting some small flying creatures with way too sharp teeth and wings, didn’t work out the way he wanted. I was supposed to knock them out with some easy spells that with my powers would suffice to get them out of the way, but he could’ve imagined that spell work and I didn’t go well together.

‘Goodnight, Simon. Until next time,’ he said without really looking at me and he strode away, leaving me to walk to Murmurs House alone. It was the first thing he had said to me after a deeply disappointed and even irritated scolding. I had half a mind to ask him why he didn’t do it himself if I fucked it up anyway, but he would just say something like: ‘ _You’re the Chosen One, Simon. You should be able to handle it. It’s good practice_.’

On those moments, I heard Baz’s words echo in my head, mixed with the Mages: _You’re the worst Chosen One ever, Snow. If_ you _are supposed to save us, we could as well all plan our own death_.

That was the second time today I had to hold back from going off. I had to give myself credit; I didn’t go off, but it took me so much energy I almost thought I was going to faint while travelling back to Watford. I already knew I was going to fall asleep as soon as my head touched my pillow, not caring for the dirt I would bring in our room or onto my bed. With a little luck, I wouldn’t need to deal with Baz at this hour.

Praying to everyone that would be the case, I climbed the stairs, breathing heavily from the effort, and opened the door with hands covered in some fresh blood from a bite of the creatures. Normally, I slammed the door with the intention to irritate Baz in my way, but not today. Glad to see the lights were out, I softly closed the door and stepped to my bed.

The Gods hadn’t answered my prayers. Not even three steps into the room, Baz’s low voice cut through the silence.

‘Thank Crowley, our hero has returned home. I almost thought you wouldn’t. No need to tell you I already got used to the idea.’

I sighed, mostly disappointed that I wouldn’t get to bed the next minutes and tired from the prospects of opening my mouth and trying to get words out. My mind wasn’t ready for that though, so my reflexes handled it very mature with a mumbled: ‘Fuck off.’

‘Not going to happen, Snow. If you can think of a more original insult, let me know.’ I heard him turn around in his bed, but I had no idea if he was now looking at me or not anymore. Hoping this would be the end, I dropped my hand from where I had scratched open some scabs again on my arm without noticing, feeling some sticky blood on my fingertips.

‘You aren’t going to shower at all?’ I heard Baz ask with disgust in his voice. My eyes were slightly getting used to the dark, but I still only saw a black mass from blankets on the other side of the room.

‘Wasn’t planning to,’ I answered sleepily, dropping myself onto my bed.

‘You smell like an old, dead lady, drenched it dirt and blood with an edge of uncontrolled poisonous smoke, Snow. How am I supposed to sleep while choking on that smell?’

‘Do vampires even need to sleep? Can you even choke when you’re already dead?’ I threw my shoes to the end of my bed and lay down.

‘I’m choking now, so probably yes, you idiot,’ he said and I turned my head to where his head probably was. His voice sounded a bit strained and I frowned. As far as I knew, choking sounded a bit different, and I do know how that sounds since everybody does when I’m about to explode and my magic starts spilling.

‘Stop being so dramatic,’ I almost whined. ‘It’s too late, just go to fucking sleep.’

‘You _want_ me to choke in my sleep?’ he said, voice now muffled like he had to talk around something.

‘Don’t worry, I once heard it’s painful.’

‘I’ll show you what is painful, Chosen One.’ He started getting on my nerves. My eyelids were about to drop any second now, but my body had tensed up from Baz and this conversation. It seemed that he still got me riled up too fast despite my promises not to let him.

‘Still no intentions to get a shower?’ he grumbled. I groaned in response. ‘Jesus Christ, Baz, just go to fucking sleep!’

‘I can’t because the room smells like iron and your bloody smoke,’ he snarled and I only now realised that my magic was filling the room. My hands were clenching my blankets under me and I closed my eyes to concentrate on closing the imaginary tap Penny had tried to let me visualise a couple of years ago.

‘Snow, come on, you nightmare. You really want to die and end our rivalry like this?’ Baz asked incredulously. I breathed in and out through my nose and mouth, knowing I could stop this, but I really _really_ wished Baz would just shut up. So I told him through gritted teeth. ‘Shut up, please.’

‘So were are begging now? What happened to you today?’

‘None of your business,’ I answered, still controlling my breathing.

‘You know, if you’re really going to burn down Murmurs House, could you please go outside? Maybe some fresh air will cool you down.’ I opened my eyes, now used to the darkness, and I saw him watching me, hand covering his mouth and grey eyes shining. I barely heard him over the white noises in my head, but I knew he was right. I was too tired and drained to fight this. It was too easy to give up and just go off, but I couldn’t do that here. I couldn’t bring the others in danger.

I jumped out of bed and ran through the door, trying not to fall down the stairs. The cold air slammed in my face, and it was a huge change from the warmth I quickly had gotten used to inside the building. But it was not enough and I ran further away.

‘Snow!’ I heard Baz yelling behind me. I didn’t look. I was trying to constrain my magic and not tripping over something in the dark.

‘Snow, could you please stand still!’ I heard his footsteps closer behind me. Damned vampire speed and night vision.

‘Why? You really have a second death wish? Go the fuck back inside and shut up when I come back!’ I screamed way too loud in the silence of the night, but I didn’t care. It was all too much and he kept pushing my buttons. It was like the last straw that made me break. Summer, school, grades, my magic, the Mage, my feelings, Baz…

This was the third time today I was about to go off. And I wasn’t sure if I could stop it now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Simon... but don't worry, next chapter, you're going to bond :D  
> Hope you like it!


	6. 6

**6**

**BAZ**

I felt bad for pushing Snow this far, but at the moment it seemed like the only thing I could do. He was like the walking dead when he came in. Slumping, backbend, shoulders hanging, dirt and blood on his face and clothes, hair frizzled even more than usual.

But it were his eyes that I could see thanks to my night vision and his lack of response on my jab that worried me. I needed him to talk to me, to give me some sign of the lively human he was. I didn’t really mean to push him that far that he had to sprint outside to prevent going off. It was just that once I started smelling his magic, I slowly felt reassured that he was still there.

That feeling was quickly replaced by guilt when I realised I wasn’t helping him at all as I had promised myself. I cursed, grabbed my wand and ran after him.

He yelled that I had to go back and I swear I hated myself so hard that moment that I could’ve set myself on fire in an instant. No matter how hard he hated me, he was forever the hero who automatically saved everyone on instinct. It made me wonder if he would be ever capable of killing me. Because I certainly wasn’t going to kill him.

I ignored him and said: ‘Snow, relax. You can handle it. You did it in class today.’ I remembered how I was so worried about him when he lost his control. I had watched him the whole day slumber through the lessons, tired and lost. I knew how he was going to lose it when Niall started insulting him way too loud, but I couldn’t do anything about it. What I didn’t expect was that I hadn’t need to do anything. His magic had calmed down quicker than other times after I had accidentally caught his eye. I was glad, don’t get me wrong. He once told me that it hurts to go off and that it uses a lot of energy from him, something he couldn’t miss right now. But I wondered what had made him stop from going off.

 _Maybe it was you_ , a traitorous voice had said in the back of my head. I couldn’t say such a thought was a surprise since I always hoped - even though I knew better - that I could comfort Snow in some way by just being there. That I meant at least _something_ to him. Ridiculous, since I never helped him before, even went out of my way not to do it.

‘Even the Chosen One gets uncomfortable when he has to keep himself from exploding three times a day,’ Snow sarcastically sneered, keeping his eyes closed now that he had slowed down.

Three times? I was with him the whole day until he had detention. I guessed he was with the Mage after that since he would never miss dinner voluntarily, but that meant he had almost gone off with him too. And now this.

The guilt grew inside my stomach, his pained face didn’t help.

I wasn’t thinking when I laid my hand on his shoulder. I felt him tighten his muscles - for Merlin’s sake, that guy seduces me with a simple flex of his muscles - but I kept my hand there, and he didn’t say anything.

‘Don’t fight it. Just relax and let go,’ I heard myself saying. I felt a little dizzy from his magic and his warm, or rather hot skin under my cold palm. I wasn’t even shivering from the night cold. He was a living heat source.

‘It’s not that simple, Baz. If it was, I would never go off,’ he breathed. I realized how close we stood together and started watching my own breathing too. I noticed after some seconds that he had copied my rhythm and I almost skipped my next exhale. I didn’t. I kept being a steady anchor for the floating boy beside me.

‘Let go,’ I said so softly I was almost sure he hadn’t heard, but then he really did let go and I had no idea what was happening.

My arm was rigid from electricity and warmth and _power_ , Crowley, so much power. I felt like a bottomless pit, capable of handling the whole world and I resisted the urge to let go of a laugh that started bubbling in my throat. Was this how Simon felt when he was about to go off? Because if he wasn’t going to stop pouring his magic into me, I feared exploding myself. I felt so full and filled I wasn’t sure if even my strong body was made for it, although I guess that storing magic was more about a magicians spirit instead of its body - dead or not.

Or was this how he felt on normal days? Was this just a fraction of his magic, the surplus, that what he had too much now? I suddenly felt a new respect for him. If he wasn’t good with words, frustrated this easily, and never grew up with mages or a simple education about how to handle this unnatural power, this magic could sometimes… feel like a burden.

I could not believe I just thought that. Magic? A burden? Leave it to Snow to make me think like this about overwhelming world-crashing power.

‘Baz?’ a confused voice placed me back in reality. ‘What is happening?’

I kept silent, thinking of a logical explanation but not finding anything. ‘I have no idea,’ I answered truthfully and I saw his eyes widen a little.

‘But you feel it too, right?’ he asked, brows furrowed in the cutest way possible. I wanted to slide my thumb over it to ease the creases and I blamed the power flowing through my veins for almost doing it too. Feeling like I could handle the world wasn’t the same as having permission to stop thinking clearly. Whatever this was, whatever the hell I thought I was doing, this didn’t change anything, I thought with a sinking heart as I looked into Snows puzzled eyes. Crowley, he was so beautiful…

‘Yeah,’ I whispered, voice a little too hoarse, ‘it’s like… Merlin, are you really giving me your magic right now?’

He didn’t look away and it was almost too much. ‘It feels like it. I just… you said to let go, and I did, and you were right there and it felt like I could channel it instead of… leaving it be in the air around me.’

It was hard to keep concentrating on his words, but what he said wasn’t that crazy. Although I’ve never heard of it before.

‘Me neither,’ he whispered. I must’ve said my thoughts out loud. I felt his words on my skin. If he stepped a little closer, we would touch with our whole body, his face in my neck, my hand urging him closer. I wondered if I imagined the calm mood that hung around him. Less lost, less uncontrolled. And again I hoped that that was because of me. That I really helped him.

‘Baz,’ he whispered again, and I could listen to my name like this for hours.

‘Yes,’ I answered, voice softer than I would normally do.

‘I… I think I’m gonna faint,’ voice even softer. I was almost too late to catch him when processing his words, but he started to sway on his feet and leaned toward me. In my surprise, my hand slipped away from his shoulders and it was like a golden peaceful gaze had snapped away from my life. It was more with reflex than with logical intention that I caught him. I wrapped my arms around his torso, his hands too limp to grab me back. My heart was about to leap out of my body, which was very unusual, and I hoped he wouldn’t hear it pounding. Although I doubted that that was what he would notice right now. His eyes were half-open as I asked: ‘Too much energy used today?’

He nodded, forehead resting on my chest and again I needed to fight my instincts to indulge him in a protective embrace, my nose in his curls.

‘Can you… Could you… Is it,’ he tried to ask, but his tongue seemed twisted and his brain completely worn out. I was pretty sure that if he would’ve looked at my face right then, he would’ve seen anything I had tried to hide the last years.

‘Want to go home?’ I asked softly, hands on his lower back to keep him upright and cursing myself for my word choice. Even if he couldn’t see my face, he could still guess everything from my deeds, voice and words right now if he was awake enough. I guess he wasn’t, or didn’t care, because he just nodded. I felt his muscles relax even more, making me keeping him closer to prevent him from dropping.

‘You got to give me a little back-up though,’ I whispered as I tried to step in the direction of the building. I regretted it as soon as he pulled away enough to start walking, my arm still under his shoulders, but it was the only way to get him as fast as possible back. Unless I was going to carry him bridal-style, but I wasn’t going to push my luck.

Even though I knew he felt miserable, I couldn’t help but enjoy every moment his body touched mine, his fingers grazing my side, his hair brushing my neck. I wished I could have this on normal days, without him on the verge of fainting or feeling bad, but I couldn’t. So, I forgave myself for my weak feelings and imprinted our whole way back and how I tucked him in. He was gone immediately and I found myself staring a little too long at his face, now more relaxed than I had seen in a while. His mouth was slightly opened (mouth breather) and I knew he was going to drool in a couple of hours, but I couldn’t care less. He looked so perfect I wish he didn’t because he felt so unreal, so far away, even though we just went through a possible life-changing moment.

Sharing magic? How much more unforgettable could this idiot get?

I spelled him and his sheets **Clean as a whistle** , masking the blood smell with a **Smells good, mom** and went back to my own bed. I didn’t start sleeping until the sun started creeping into the room, my head full of what happened and fantasies of possibilities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: oooh look they're bonding!  
> Also me, at only chapter 6: juSt KiSs alREaDy yOU mOroNS


	7. 7

**7**

**SIMON**

‘Good morning Sim- Oh Merlin, you look miserable,’ Penny exclaims when I go to sit in front of her at breakfast. I think there are only five minutes left before we have classes, but I have proven before that that is not a problem for me. I immediately cram two scones in my mouth after Penny casted **Some like it hot** on them. I burn my tongue, throat and every inch on the inside of my body where they pass, causing my eyes to cry, but I don’t care. I haven’t eaten since yesterday at lunch and I need energy after everything that has happened.

I try not to think about what has happened. I have no idea what happened.

‘What happened?’ Penny asks and I groan around the scone. Some breadcrumbs fly towards her and her face settles in a snarl of disgust. ‘Please, Simon. Keep it civil, right? Empty your mouth and then start talking.’ She flicks her hand and the crumbles disappear. I quickly look away.

It has been like this for forever. She has the control and the brains and I don’t. I got used to it after all these years, and it’s not like it’s her fault that I can’t keep my magic in line. In fact, she has tried to help more than anybody else. She’s there for me when it gets too much or when I’m about to go off. She’s not afraid of me and is probably one of the only people who treat me like a normal person, and not like the famous Chosen One celebrity. Except for Baz, of course. He would even punch the Queen of England when she breathed a little too loud, no matter who she was.

Baz. He was gone this morning when I woke up, but I saw I wasn’t as dirty as I fell asleep. He must’ve spelled me. That thought made me less uncomfortable than I expected.

‘Simon?’ Penny asked again. She looked a little worried now, an expression I had seen often enough the last weeks. I shook my head and smiled a little.

‘Sorry, just a short night. The Mage picked me up in detention and we travelled North for something. By the time we returned, it was pretty late.’

‘You need your sleep, Simon,’ Penny said softly. I was aware of the big bags under my eyes and my lack of attention in classes, but I actually felt calmer than in days, so the smile I gave her was more genuine than last time. ‘I know, but I do feel actually okay. I guess I just go to sleep a little earlier tonight.’

She nodded, examining my eyes and seemingly reassured at what she saw. I took another scone as she asked: ‘For what did you went North?’

I shrugged, not needing to clear my mouth. I never really knew why the Mage wanted me to do something. It was all part of secret missions for the Coven or something. Penny disapproved very clearly of the Mages decision to just use me as _his weapon_.

Her words. Although I started agreeing with her last year. It becomes very frustrating when you have to give so much energy for something you’re not even allowed to know, but I can’t really say no, can I?

The hall was almost empty and Penny stood up, packing in two more scones for me. Whatever jealousy I had felt a couple of minutes ago, it had disappeared completely. I loved this girl way too much. She knew me, she took care of me, she helped me even though she probably had better things to do than helping the disastrous hero.

The no-secrets-pact was her idea too since every little thing I could hold back was maybe a part of the solution for the Humdrum or some other problem. And having the comfort of telling her everything without being judged had indeed been proven useful. But when I walked beside her on our way to class, I felt myself holding back this one giant confusing thing. I didn’t want to tell her I almost went off three times yesterday, how it was almost too much for me. I didn’t want her to feel even more worried for me. It wasn’t important enough. It didn’t happen, because Baz was there.

Why didn’t it happen? What had happened, for Crowley’s sake? Somewhere, I knew I had to tell her the sharing magic part and how I felt more at ease right now. Like the pressure was off and I had some reserve. But I couldn’t even comprehend what had happened in my head, let alone with words, so I gave myself some time and promised to tell her later when I had thought about it a little more.

Wow, I was really going to _think_ about it. Baz has some serious influence on me.

‘Hey, you want to study for that test of Elocution after classes? We got to keep your grades up,’ Penny asked, tone nonchalant but friendly. I blinked at her. ‘I thought that test was next week?’

She looked up at me, mouth in a half forced smile. ‘No, Simon. It’s tomorrow. You really need to start keeping a planner. Just like the lists we sometimes make, it could really help to organize your mind.’

I groaned, throwing my head in my neck and seeing my early sleep vanish before my eyes. ‘I really need to start getting my shit together,’ I mumbled so soft to myself I was pretty sure she hadn’t heard me in de crowded hall.

‘So, after last class?’ she proposed and I started nodding until I groaned again, now with my hands pulling my hair. ‘Shit, I can’t. I mean, not immediately. Miss Possibelf wants me to sit my detention out since the Mage took me away halfway the period.’

Penny frowned. ‘We’re not going to have much time left then. I was planning to explain the whole thing to you again. And you were planning to go to sleep earlier. And no, don’t skip that,’ she interrupted my protest, ’I wasn’t lying when I said you look like shit.’

‘Geez, thanks Penny,’ I mumbled, shoulders already slumping with the prospects of what today was going to bring. The easy mood was long gone.

‘You know I love you. Who else is going to keep track of your health? _You_ don’t really seem to care.’

I knew she didn’t mean it as it sounded. This was her way of expressing her feelings and opinions, but it stung that she stated the obvious this bluntly. Who indeed was going to do it if she wasn’t? It wasn’t like other people cared. They only saw the crazy friendly Mages heir. It was just sad that even though I always meant the best, I didn’t have more real friends. Sometimes, I was even too much for Agatha, which I didn’t really take personally. She explained to me once that was just because she had no idea how to deal with strong emotions. Not hers and definitely not others. I felt that. One of the only deep thoughts and feelings we’ve ever shared. But that left me with only Penny. 

‘Don’t worry, we can start during lunch. We did it before, and I know you can take it,’ she went on, not really noticing my self-pitying silence. ‘Don’t forget your book, and I see you there!’ We had arrived at her class and she smiled encouraging at me once more before going inside. I stared at the students that followed her, only coming back to senses when someone bumped into me and I started walking towards my own classroom while eating another scone.

The whirlwind in my head came unasked and made me going all melancholy again, something I could definitely miss at a morning before a long day. So, I ignored my heavy stomach, cleared my mind as much as possible and took a seat the moment the teacher began.

So much for ‘starting to think about my problems’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Penny is a good friend.  
> She's not perfect, and it's not her fault for not understanding Simon's feeling, and she does her extremely best.  
> So, Penny is a good friend :)  
> (... okay, that's my opinion of the Penny in my fic.)  
> Hope you like it!


	8. 8

**8**

**BAZ**

I debate with myself if I would cross an imaginary self-proclaimed boundary if I help Snow ‘get his shit together’. I only promised myself to keep an eye on him, not to bump into his life with a pink fairy wand and some glitter to take care of him and his problems. I’m not even sure if he would let me. It’s not because I helped him yesterday that we are best friends right now. Bunce is. And she knows that since I’ve heard them talking in the hall this morning. I didn’t go to breakfast in a cowardly attempt to avoid Snow as long as possible, not knowing how he would act after last night. But after I went inside for classes, I ended up some metres behind them and heard everything.

I know how he has detention again, I know how he was planning to go to sleep earlier but that he needs to learn for a test he thought was a week later - I actually agree on Bunce’s idea for a planner, he could really use that. Maybe she could spell it so it would scream at him when he forgets an assignment - and how his grades aren’t very good. I kind of knew that already. Hasn’t it always been like this?

I thought of how I already had learned everything - obviously - and I almost felt the papers I made full of summaries burning in my backpack. I could offer them to him. They were complete, ordered and I dare say very good.

Of course, I dismissed that idea as quickly as it came. One moment where I was Snow’s hero, after I was his enemy, and I was plotting to help him instead of killing him. Not that I was ever really going to kill him. At least, not for the last three years. Stupid prophecy.

I had the same class a Bunce and wanted to follow her when she went inside, but Snow stood there, completely off the world and my body refused to let him see me. He probably wouldn’t even have seen me, since he was so distracted, but I wasn’t going to take the risk. So, I just stood there in the shadows, watching his open and disorientated face and I felt myself getting warm and weak again. How could I not help him? How could I ever live if my sun was slowly fading out?

I started plotting to help him. Crowley, the amount of influence that guy had over me wasn’t healthy.

**SIMON**

Almost eight hours later, I was counting off the last minutes of my detention. I was long finished with the notes of the last lessons since it seemed we actually hadn’t done that much. I was trying not to doze off when the sun shone on my face, feeling pleasantly warm and calm in the silence of the classroom. Trying to get a little bit of rest before I had to go to study again sounded like a good idea, but I doubted Miss Possibelf would’ve liked to see me sleeping, even though I was ready. So, I organized my backpack to keep myself busy and wasn’t entirely surprised when I found it was a mess. There were almost more plastics from eaten Mint Aero Bars than there were papers or books. I hoped I would remind this evening or tomorrow to clean the bloody thing, but knowing myself, I would probably forget it.

The timer went off and I stood up to leave the classroom. Miss Possibelf looked up and smiled a goodbye that I answered, almost tripping over my own chair. I started opening the door when I saw some papers scattered on the floor. I bent down to pick them up and throw them away in the bin but stopped when I saw what it was.

 _Elocution Test Friday 17 October_ was written in very elegant and neat handwriting, followed by a very precise summary of the last few chapters. It was incredible. The person didn’t need to use a lot of colours to make clear what was supposed to be part of what and it was like they never needed to correct a mistake in their life since everything was perfect from the first time. No scratched words, no sentences cut off halfway since the line was too short. It felt so organised that it felt good.

I think Agatha had a word for this. She used to scroll through this Normal site of hers, watching pictures from random things with tags like ‘aesthetic’. I never really understood why she liked to look at that, but I think I did now.

‘Mr. Snow? Something wrong?’ I heard Miss Possibelf ask. I turned around, schooling my face and smiled. ‘No, no. No problem. I’ll go now,’ and I left the room with the papers in my hand. Maybe I could find out from who they were and give them back. But first, I think I was going to read them in the hope I understood the subject better this way.

‘Yes, that’s correct again!’ Penny smiled at me, lowering her flashcards. We were eating dinner while practising out loud after studying in silence in the library, often interrupted by her explaining me something I didn’t even know I needed them explained. ‘That summary really helped you out, huh?’ 

She looked at me, a look in her eyes I had seen before. Not even a minute ago. When she asked me something I should know the answer to.

‘Yeah, it seems like this could be my saver for my grade. But why does it work with this? It’s just a summary.’

‘I could try to analyse it for you. Maybe I can find out why this method works for you and then we can apply it to our other study sessions?’

I grinned, feeling better with the minute and said: ‘You’re an angel, Penny.’

‘I know,’ she said, flipping her hair over her shoulder like a bitch but ruining the effect while laughing.

‘What’s funny?’ a soft voice said from behind me. A flash of blond hair sat down beside me and looked at us.

‘Hi Aggie,’ I said, still grinning. ‘Nothing, really. Just happy that I understand Elocution for once.’

She looked at the papers beside my plate and her eyes went a little wider. ‘What are you doing with Baz’s summaries?’ she asked perplexed. I stared at her. Then I stared at Penny. She didn’t seem surprised.

‘You knew?’ I called out accusingly. She just rolled her eyes and said: ‘Duh. How could I not? He’s your roommate, how did you not recognize his calligraphy handwriting? And how many students besides me do you think make such a detailed summary for a simple test like this?’

‘Simple?’ Agatha asked with a raised eyebrow.

‘I mean, it just an in-between test to let us study throughout the year. It’s not an exam or something.’

‘It’s still not easy,’ Agatha mumbled, and if I wasn’t so shocked I would grin with their interaction.

‘Want to study with us? It’s going pretty well, I’m sure we can help,’ Penny said, shoving her flashcards towards her. Agatha immediately picked them up and started reading.

‘Uhm, are you guys just going to ignore that I’m revising with Baz’s papers?’ I asked, voice filled with astonishment. They both rolled their eyes and I wondered if they had planned the movement.

‘If Agatha hadn’t recognised it, right away may I say, you wouldn’t know or make a problem about it. It works, doesn’t it? So just be thankful that your so-called archnemesis just helped you out from some serious school troubles. Just leave the papers on his desk tomorrow, maybe with a _thank you_ note. Perhaps he can help you next time too,’ Penny suggested, knowing fully well that that was one of the most unlikely possibilities ever. My face was the image of my unspoken words. Agatha started laughing.

‘Relax, Simon. He hasn’t been that bad the last few weeks. Just see it as a lucky coincidence. I don’t think he loses his precious notes that often.’

‘Yeah, you’re right,’ Penny said thoughtfully. ‘It’s pretty weird he would lose his notes the day before the test.’ She looked at me while I started to eat again. ‘Right when you need it so hard…’ she added softly, brow furrowed.

‘No, please Penny. Not you too!’ Agatha whined. ‘You guys are so suspicious. Sometimes things just happen without a reason, you know. And now, since you offered, please explain me this,’ and she pointed at a paragraph on a yellow card, ‘because I’ve been trying to understand this since last year.’

My eyes wandered off to where Baz was sitting, and for once he wasn’t looking when I burned my gaze into the back of his head. Has he heard what we were talking about with his vampire hearing? But then, why didn’t he look at me, accusing me from stealing?

Maybe he was plotting a trap as a punishment. Maybe he was going to wait for me right before we went into our room and then push me down the stairs again - although I doubted he would be that unoriginal. Again, it’s Baz we're talking about. 

An idea came to me that left me breathless. Maybe this was the trap? Maybe these papers were fake and I was learning things I didn’t need to know?

‘What’s wrong?’ Penny asked, hearing my breath stutter. I look away from Baz and said: ‘What if he left those papers on purpose, giving me fake things to learn?’

Both Agatha and Penny looked at me like I was stupid.

‘What?!’ Penny exclaimed. ‘Simon, Merlin and Morgana, of course it’s the right information! I have been revising with you for the last hour, you don’t think I would’ve noticed when you would be learning something else?’

I bowed my head a little sheepish. ‘Uhm… yeah, didn’t really think about that.’

‘Just eat and learn so you can go to sleep early and rock that test. After that, it’s weekend and you can relax and accuse Baz of plotting as much as you want,’ she said, already explaining Agatha the next thing. I looked at Baz’s table again, now greeted with the normal sight. His eyes narrowed, mouth sneering and looking at me like he had never seen such an animal before. I just took another bite, not leaving his gaze until Dev asked him something and he looked away. Then I went back to studying, repeating every line for the third time since it went so well that I even had time for that.

Maybe I really needed to thank him. Maybe he wasn’t going to kill me for that. He didn’t kill me last night when I almost fainted in his arms.

Oh shit, that was so embarrassing. I felt my whole face heat up at the memory of his arms around my body and his voice so close to my ear. I didn’t think I had ever been that close to him for so long without fighting, and I couldn’t deny the feeling that… it felt good. I hated fighting, even with Baz. I mean, I hated the ruthless git too, but I rather hated people in silence than with fights. But now that I knew he could be soft too, caring even - seriously, he was almost carrying me when my body gave up - I didn’t know if this changed things.

Yeah, maybe I really should thank him for helping me two times in a row, even though he didn’t mean to do it the last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, I really like this chapter :)  
> Plus, an oblivious Simon is always funny.  
> I've always been curious at how Baz would make summaries, but I imagine them as really aesthetic Pinterest-worthy notes :D


	9. 9

**9**

**BAZ**

I returned late to the room after feeding, seeing Snow already drooling over his pillow. I know it’s pretty creepy to say, but I missed his half-naked body. He used to drop his shirt almost every night for the last few years. Why not this year? Not that I didn’t know exactly how he looked, moles and freckles and all. His entrance in the room weeks ago was still burned into my mind and pepped me up every time I needed it.

He wasn’t lying when he had said he was going to bed early, but that meant we hadn’t spoken for a whole day. No chance to talk about yesterday and what had happened.

Not that I was that excited to talk about us… Well, us, there wasn’t really an ‘ _us’_ , but still. I wanted to know why he was so knackered when he came back in the middle of the night, covered in dirt and blood.

I had seen him studying with a huge grin on his face during dinner, which had made my day, feeling pretty good about myself and then feeling pathetic right after. Until he found out that the notes were mine, and he almost got an attack. And then they say I am dramatic.

I was curious to know if he would give me the papers back. And how. Really giving me them or leaving them on my desk or in my bag?

I didn’t need to wait very long. The next morning when I came out of the bathroom, I saw him sitting on his bed, crossed legs and obviously waiting for me.

‘Why aren’t you shoving scones in your mouth yet?’ I asked him, masking my excitement when his blue eyes scanned my face a little nervous.

‘Just waiting for… you. I need to, eh… I should give you this back. It’s… yours? I guess? I know? I mean, yeah, I know. Obviously. Otherwise, I wouldn’t give it,’ he babbled, hand reaching out and offering me my long memorised notes. I tried to look surprised, but he wasn’t really paying attention.

‘How did they end up with you? I don’t think I _gave_ them to you.’ I tried to sneer, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t work. Crowley, my skills seemed to be gone forever. Fuck Snow.

‘Guess you’ve lost them,’ he murmured, standing up and dropping the papers on my desk when I didn’t take them. For a second I thought he was just going to leave the room without another word, but then I saw him inhaling and he turned around. ‘They helped me though. So… uhm, thank you, I guess?’

He didn’t meet my eyes, and I was glad. I had no idea what to say and just stared at him, seeing his cheeks redden a little. Then he nodded to himself, said very silent: ‘Right,’ and walked away.

It took me five minutes to control my grin and the bubble of happiness in my stomach before I followed him to breakfast. I caught his gaze when I walked in, automatically seeking him out and he looking for me. Instead of the usual venom, there was now a hesitant smile. I didn’t smile back, I still had myself in control, but I did hold back a mean stare. To my utter surprise, that seemed enough for him, and his grin widened before he turned back to Bunce and Wellbelove.

Now it was really difficult to hold back my own smile, but life suddenly seemed so much better.

My sun had smiled at me.

Was this karma? Helping someone out, getting something back? I liked it.

I didn’t see him back until after classes - except for classes themselves, but I tried to ignore him there to keep myself from giving anything away - and I was sitting at my desk, reading a book, when he stormed into our room. He came to a halt when he saw me, but then closed the door behind him and smiled a little at me. ‘Hi,’ he said when he dropped onto his bed, shirt riding at bit up and leaving me internally screaming.

‘Snow,’ I responded, cool as ever but turning my back to him, just to be safe.

He was laying there for quite some time, making me lose my concentration so I had to fake read and turn my page once in a while. Seriously, it was ridiculous.

‘So…’, he started, but trailing off. I fought my instincts to look at him and waited, a bit tense, until he found his words. ‘So, uhm… my test went well. Actually. Very well, at least for me. You will probably get top marks again, but I’ll be happy when I pass with some reserve. Which I will, I think,’ he said.

I heard the hidden and probably not intended compliment that I was smart. I knew that of course, but I can’t say it doesn’t feel good to hear it once in a while. Definitely from Snow. ‘Don’t mention it,’ I said, my version of saying that it was no problem. It was up to him to understand that.

‘Okay,’ he said back. I felt he wanted to say more, but it took him almost five minutes - and ten pages of fake reading - for him to come up with it. ‘And uhm… should we… what about…’

‘Spit it out, Snow,’ I sighed.

‘I shared my magic,’ he blurted out. I had no idea if I was ready for this, but I was way too curious for everything to let this slide. So, I marked my page and closed the book before turning around, aware of how he followed all my movements. He was still lying in the same position, so I could still enjoy the beautiful sight of his tanned freckled skin I had missed embarrassingly hard where his shirt left him uncovered. 

‘You did,’ I answered. ‘Care to explain your theories on that?’

‘If I had, I would. But if you have no idea, I guess we’re stuck,’ he said, mouth in a lazy grin that made it hard for me to concentrate.

‘Bunce neither?’ I asked. He shook his head but stopped in his movements. ‘Maybe,’ he said, ‘but I haven’t told her yet.’

I stared at him, now surprised. This was the first time that I knew of he kept things behind for her. ‘Why?’

He shrugged, letting his shirt creep up even further, making me keep my eyes strained on his face to stop the distraction. Not that his eyes, who were now looking at me, and his halo of curls were any better, but it was at least more civil. ‘Figured I should talk to you about it first. I’ve never heard of sharing magic before.’

I had to give him credit for that reasoning, although it was obvious there was another reason why he hadn’t told her. Snow is such a bad liar, it’s adorable. But I was too engrossed in the idea that we were having a normal conversation and that there was something between us that nobody knew, that made me let it go. There were other things to find out anyway.

‘I can go to the library tomorrow to see if I can find something,’ I said, not really a question but he nodded anyway.

‘If you’re okay with it though, I can tell Penny so she can help,’ he said, not really a question either, but his tone asking an answer anyway. I thought about it. This was all going pretty fast. First, I found out there was something with Snow, then he shared his magic after a fight and fainted in my arms, then I decided to leave him notes to help him which made him instantly nice to me and now I was going to research with our super duo for something the World of Mages had never seen before.

What in Merlin’s name was happening?

‘She’s not going to tell anyone,’ Snow went on after I stayed silent, but I raised my hand to stop him. ‘It’s okay, you can tell her. We probably need someone else with knowledge and a nose for research anyway besides me.’

Snow flinched so slightly I almost missed it, but since I was watching him intently, I didn’t. I immediately felt bad and cursed myself for ruining this… whatever this was when we were not fighting.

‘Yeah, we do,’ Snow said softly, hand rubbing his arm. I frowned. I had seen him do that before, earlier this year. Was that a new tic? Why would he suddenly have a new tic besides grabbing his curls?

‘So…,’ he started again, hesitating and looking back at me. I tried not to hold my breath, but I did a little nonetheless. ‘Can we, like… truce?’ he asked. He sat upright and tentatively stretched out his arm again.

This morning, I hadn’t taken the papers when he offered me, half because I was surprised, half because it was part of my keep-my-distance act. Now, the beautiful idiot offered me his hand, moles and all. I saw Capricorn starting on the back of his hand, disappearing under his sleeve and my hand almost spasmed with want to trace it.

I didn’t, of course. Instead, I took the other gift the universe gave me and let my palm slide into his.

I was cold. He was so so warm. He started smiling, I didn’t. But we both gripped each other tight and a little longer than necessary. It was wonderful and heaven-like and I wished I never had to let go, but then he did and I quickly retrieved, leaning back in my chair.

We were watching each other, slightly uncomfortable with this new agreement and the consequences, but mostly just sitting there in silence. I enjoyed my chance to watch him openly, even permitted myself a little lingering onto his body.

‘Baz?’ he asked, nervous again. My gaze snapped up and I was glad it had been a while since I had fed. I was sure he was going to call me out on my actions and intentions and pure gayness in my life, but instead, he asked: ‘Can we try it again?’

It took me a minute to figure out what he meant. ‘Sharing magic?’ I asked to be sure. He nodded. I wanted to agree so fast it was just pathetic, so I calmed myself and took my time answering.

‘Don’t you like… maybe you need to be on the edge before you can do that. Like last time,’ I said. No idea why I didn’t just jump on him right then and there.

‘You offering?’ he asked, a little stunned, trying to raise an eyebrow but failing like the moron he was.

‘Wasn’t planning to, just asking.’

‘Let’s try it like this before going that way,’ he just said, shuffling a little to the head of his bed, further away from me. I stared at him.

Was he… was I supposed to go and sit on his bed? I wasn’t sure if I wanted to laugh or scream.

‘Come on, Baz. I don’t bite,’ he joked, quick reference to his theory of me being a vampire. _No, in real life you don’t. But if you only knew what you do in my dreams…_

I stood up on automatic pilot and sat before him. It was surreal. I didn’t move.

‘I’m pretty sure we need to have at least some body contact,’ Snow said with a sigh and a hint of red spots in his neck. I wanted to lick it, replace it with beautiful dark red-purple ones. Crowley, what was I doing?

He scooted a little closer and I remembered how I had touched his shoulder when he was about to explode, but I would have to stretch pretty uncomfortably forward to do that now. Instead, I watched the brave git cautiously, waiting for what he wanted to do.

And then he offered me his hands. Again. Both of them.

Yes, I wanted to scream.

‘I know it’s Friday and we have the whole weekend, but maybe we could do it now?’ Snow asked sarcastically with a hint of impatience. I wanted to punch his face. How dared he pressuring me when I probably needed at least a whole week to prepare myself for this? Not that he knew, could you imagine, but still. This was precious.

I slowly grabbed his hands and he moved them inside my grip so we were properly holding each other, leaving me dazed without even doing anything. But then he softly sighed and I was overwhelmed with the same feeling from two nights ago. Like my skin was glowing and the air was shimmering and the world was freaking singing for me.

‘It works,’ he said, and I wasn’t sure if it was to me or to himself. I agreed anyway with a careless laugh. Because that was how I felt. Careless and free and drunk on magic and love. I felt Simon looking at me and his eyes were curious and grounding.

‘Cast something,’ he said. I didn’t have my wand on me, but an instinct told me I probably didn’t need it anyway. Without thinking too much, I casted **Twinkle twinkle little star** and my words weren’t cold yet or the room around us disappeared and we were floating in a dark and purple and shining universe that looked exactly as endless as I felt. I heard Simon gasp and I felt him grip my hands even tighter. I didn’t hesitate and squeezed him back.

The stars and galaxies were endlessly beautiful. So pure, mysterious, all-consuming, otherworldly. A place I wished I could escape to whenever I wanted. I saw falling stars and glitters and constellations I knew by heart because of the boy before me.

Nothing could compare to him. His face was awed and full of wonder, mouth slightly open in a soundless expression of pure joy. Besides the magic he was still tapping into me, my veins were drumming with adoration for the boy I fell in love with and always would love, no matter how old I would get. There was no chance my body and heart would ever forget how he made me feel. More alive, present in the moment, like he gave me a share of his liveness. And the way he looked at me now, made me almost think I deserved it too.

‘This is amazing,’ he whispered.

 _You’re amazing_ , I thought. For a second, I knew he could read my response in my eyes. The next second, I didn’t care. I felt braver than ever, and I now saw how he was rather a person of actions than thinking things through. I guess I would be too when I was this charged with energy and power 24/7.

I had no idea how many time had passed before I felt him withdraw his magic and the room slowly faded back, the bed under us and a silence ringing in my ears.

‘I guess I don’t have to go off to give my magic away,’ he concluded after he had seemed to found his voice back. I huffed as he stated the obvious, trying not to freak out over the fact that he was _still_ holding my hands. I hoped he wouldn’t think of it in the next few years and keep it like that.

‘How did you think of that spell?’ he asked, still soft, eyes innocently curious. I wanted to keep looking and to look away and answered while doing something in between.

‘My mom has done it once for me. I think it was like a birthday present. She had saved her magic for days for me.’ I felt vulnerable sharing this with him. I always felt vulnerable talking about my mom or past, but Simon just smiled softly. ‘She must’ve been really powerful anyway,’ he said.

‘She was,’ I confirmed, making the mistake of looking down at our hands. He followed my gaze, waited for a little and then gave me a small last squeeze before pulling back. Every veil of magic and illusion went away and I felt my cold self again for a hundred percent, which I wished I didn’t. For the second or maybe millionth time, I was glad I hadn’t enough blood in me to blush or I would be dark red by now. Simon himself had a little blush that adorned his cheeks and made him even cuter than I could handle. I thanked my life long practise of self-control for keeping myself from leaning forward and placing my lips on his mole right under his eyes before licking my way to his jaw and neck and by then gasping mouth.

‘Okay. Uhm, well… that was educating,’ he said, hand grabbing his curls. I snorted.

‘Fancy word there. You sure I didn’t give you some of my intellectual brain cells during this transfer?’ I mocked him, raising the corner of my mouth a little. He only rolled his eyes, saying without venom at all: ‘I wish I took away your instinct on insulting everyone.’

‘You couldn’t. It’s a part of being the amazing Baz Pitch,’ I said haughty, sitting tight upright in an attempt to get back my appearance of a well-composed young man. According to Snows sudden laugh, it didn’t have much of an effect.

I didn’t really care. I melted right away after hearing it because of something that _I_ had said.

‘Sure. Whatever lets you sleep at night, Pitch,’ he said to me, head tilted a little to the right. Merlin, Morgana and Medusa, give the guy a ghost of a smile and he starts flirting without having a single idea of what he is doing. I rolled my eyes, sighed and leaned back to mask what he did to me. I opened my mouth to answer, but then his stomach decided to let everyone in the building know that he needed to eat food for a whole army again. I couldn’t help a laugh.

‘Enough research for you. Go eat, Snow. Crowley knows you can only think clearly on a full stomach,’ I said, reluctantly standing up - because I actually wanted to keep sitting on his bed with him for forever - and going for the bathroom. When I didn’t hear him getting up, I glanced over my shoulder only to find him following me with his eyes, brows slightly furrowed. When he saw me looking back, it almost seemed as if he wanted to say something again, but he didn’t and just got up with a: ‘Right. See you later, I guess. You know… since we’re roommates and all.’ He didn’t wait for an answer, just went outside, but not before I saw his face heat up again.

Did I do that?

What did I do?

God, I wish I did that, but I know I cannot think like that. Only made me feel more miserable.

But when I went down to the Catacombs that night, I had no reason to feel miserable. Today was like a dream I never wanted to wake up from. It was less and more than I had ever dreamt of and I was still high on his magic and eyes and the feeling of his hands in mine.

And we were on a truce, for Crowley’s sake. Maybe if I worked hard enough, it didn’t have to be the last time something like this happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spy with my little eye... teNsIOn!!! :D  
> I live for this shit... which sounds pretty sad, but that's part of being in a fandom I guess ;)  
> Hope you like it!


	10. 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhmm...  
> Simon gets a revelation... and there's some angst <3
> 
> Warning: f slur/mentions of homophobia at the end

**10**

**SIMON**

I’m hesitating to tell Penny about everything with Baz and the magic sharing. Not that we don’t need her, because I know we do. I’m useless in research, and Baz thinks clearly thinks so too. It’s just that it seems so personal and bigger when I say it out loud. I mean, it is pretty big. No one has ever seen something like this before, but it feels heavier on a deeper level I don’t feel quite comfortable with. I have no idea how to explain that though, and right now, I’m feeling as calm as yesterday morning after doing this whole switching electrical power stuff. Penny is talking about some book Micah had recommended to here and the food is good, so good. It feels like a relaxed Friday evening, something we can both use for a change, so I decide to leave it for tomorrow and just listen to her rant.

‘You know, I would’ve never thought I would be into historical fiction, but the author has done so much research it’s like she has written facts and knowledge in a story to make it interesting. It’s so cool, you would love it. I can show it to you tomorrow?’ she enthusiastically tries. She knows I’m a complete disaster when it comes to reading and books. I can’t help it, it’s just so passive and boring. I have no idea how she and Baz can read for hours and days like they really enjoy it more than going outside. I’d become so jittery when being kept inside for hours just sitting and staring at sentences, page after page. Only the thought exhausts me.

‘You do what you want, but you know I suck at reading,’ I answer truthfully. She nods, knowing that indeed already but still trying because of the go-getter that she is.

‘I do know, but I swear you’re going to like this one. It’s about some Middle Ages knight and he describes his fights too, with historically correct terms and weapons.’

I do look up at that because that sounds more interesting than the last book she chose for me. Something about this philosopher who hitch-hiked for like a thousand miles to think about his past, present, future and death. It read as hard as the poetry from Shakespeare she once gave me to study for spells. Definitely not light reading lecture.

‘I’ll bring it to you tomorrow and you do what you want. But will you at least read twenty pages for me? To try? That’s not that much, right?’ she pleads. I grin because I still have no idea why she tries so hard, but agree anyway to please her. And that she is. We laugh about random stuff and end up talking about some memories from our first years at Watford.

For the first time since weeks, I feel how I was supposed to feel at the beginning of the year. Welcome, warm, like coming back home. If I ignored my other problems just right, I could pretend like I hadn’t any at all.

\---

Normally, I would love to wake up to the warm sun rays and the reflection of the morning light in our room, preferably with the window open so we could hear the world come to life. Those were the moments I truly felt at ease after a good night of sleep, feeling ready for the day.

Not today though. Today, the sun was shining in my eyes as if intending to blind me and I felt too hot because the window was closed. It seemed our truce didn’t extend to offer each other some comfort. Or rather, me, by letting in some freaking air.

I rolled around, stretching my back and groaned when I heard it crack. My shoulder hurt a little. Probably slept in a weird unnatural position again. I started trying to massage it when I realized I wasn’t alone. Baz, who was most of the time out before me in the weekend, was sitting at his desk. He didn’t acknowledge me and kept doing whatever he was doing. Writing, I think. He couldn’t see me rolling my eyes, but I did anyway. Was the striver already studying? Jesus Christ, he was impossible.

I rolled out of bed, feeling a bad morning mood awakening in my head, and shuffled to the bathroom with some comfortable clothes Penny had given me some years ago for Christmas, because ‘I had no normal clothes’. I had worn them already so much since I had indeed no other options, but they still fitted better than some other pieces I had collected over the years in care. I think she spelled them. She’s a genius.

I quickly showered, hoping that some cold water would help me overcome my grumpy feelings. It didn’t. I still glared annoyed at myself in the mirror, covered my still skinny body with clothes and entered the room again where Baz was still writing.

He looked so composed and elegant and heir-worthy that I felt a wave of annoyance come over me. How was it possible that such a mean and evil person - or vampire, I dare say - gets to be gifted with such an aura of respect and a well-knowing grin or sneer. Depends on the mood he is in.

He’s just always so… I don’t know. Does he get trained to look like he’s being part of a highly cultured and important family? If he would’ve grown up in a normal situation, would he smile more often? Like he did yesterday, looking so unconcerned in the middle of his stars? It was such a sight I almost forgot we were in another universe. A universe where Baz lets go and just smiles, guards down and willingly touches me without a hint of disgust in his features?

‘Take a picture, Snow. Lasts longer than that memory of yours.’

No, in real life, he only fuelled my bad mood.

‘What are you doing?’ I just asked, ignoring how he adapted his cocked grin on his face, looking again like he’s worth so much more than me.

‘Playing my violin,’ he said, picking up his pen and starting to write where he left of, ‘as you can see, of course. You’re not blind, are you?’

I rolled my eyes. Sometimes he could be quite funny with his witty and fast remarks - not that I would ever say that to him - but right now, I wasn’t in the mood. I stepped over to his desk, glancing over his shoulder and ignoring how he tensed up immediately at how close we were. With regret and his scent of cedar and bergamot filling my nose, I knew right there and then that the easy companionship between us was gone with the night.

What a shame. Right after I found out he had another side in him that I liked a hundred times better.

‘Was it that hard to say you’re writing a letter?’ I asked, face turning to him after reading ‘ _Dear Mordelia_ ’ at the top of his paper. ‘I don’t even understand why you write letters, of all things. Just call her. I know you have a phone in your closet. Wouldn’t she like your posh voice better than your curly middle-aged handwriting?’

‘For Crowley’s sake, you’re just out of bed, and yet you’re already invading my privacy and personal space,’ he snarled, covering up his paper and glaring at me.

‘I didn’t read the stuff,’ I mumbled, feeling deep down he was maybe a little tiny bit right. ‘Just wanted to make sure you were not plotting.’ I watched his lips forming an exasperated sigh, feeling his breath on my face. That’s how close we were.

‘We’re on a truce, remember? You asked me yourself.’

I met his eyes, right on time to see how his flicked up from looking at the area of my mouth too. The grey in his eyes was full of tints and a scattered variety of some green and mud brown sparkles. Dark on the outside, lighter in the middle. There was a fire behind his gaze, strengthened by his posture under my leaning body. He had to look slightly up to me, something that hadn’t happened a lot during our school years, but it quickly became my favourite position. It gave me this little extra bit of confidence to keep looking him straight in the eye.

And that was when I saw something else too. Something I could best describe as some kind of… confusion? Uncertainty? Since when would Baz be uncertain about something? Was it really that unbearable to be close to me? Had it to do something with my magic?

I opened my mouth to ask him about it, even when I knew that asking about a ‘weak’ moment of him could end in a biting remark or shitty evasive answer, but that movement made his eyes snap back to my lips, making his head tip forward just slightly enough to let his nose touch mine.

My eyes widened. My heart stuttered a little but went back to beating so fast. I didn’t know it was doing it the whole time. His irises became bigger and bigger with the seconds, almost completely blocking out the grey.

A thought flashed through my mind. One simple word. _Yes_.

I startled so hard, standing upright and taking a step back in the split of a second that Baz flinched violently. He stared at me, breathing just a little uncontrolled, making me sure that this really happened and wasn’t just imagined from my part. 

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I see the vision of what would’ve happened if I did the exact same opposite of stepping back. Leaning forward, colliding his breath with mine. I felt it pulling in my chest, not believing for Merlin’s sake I hadn’t realised it sooner, but everything falls in place at the same time my emotions fall apart. My head burned, my legs were shaking and I choked on a: ‘I’m sorry,’ before running out of the room, flying down the stairs, my magic and blood drumming in my ears. I ran over the Great Lawn, ignoring the even more curious glances I get and hid deep into the forest.

I wasn’t crying soundly, but my cheeks were wet and my tears were dripping into my shirt, leaving dark spots on the collar and further down. And when crying and running at the same time got too hard and my lungs protested with the same fire I felt burning in my legs and chest, I collapsed against a tree. I tried to gather my breath, giving up when the weeping made it impossible.

I was sweating, feeling way too hot after the emotional outburst and all the running and my hands tried to jerk my jumper over my head. When my head got stuck off the uncontrolled manoeuvres, it was like that extra tiny bit of frustration that made everything worse. But then, after I smashed the piece of fabric on the ground, I got a glimpse off the scratches on the pale inside of my arm.

The dam broke, the salty tears unstoppable. I gagged of everything that wants to come out.

Come out.

 _Oh please, don’t tell me I’m making you come for the first time. I’m sure you’ve done it before with_ him.

A flash of a memory voice tormented me. _Only faggots cry and back off from fights as you do. But maybe you like other kinds of fights?_

The feeling made me curl up, knees against my chest and head burrowed in my arms.

_Stop wriggling, you fag. Grab his arms. Now… where did we left off…_

I tried to stop thinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry... but we finally get a glimpse of what happened in his summer <3


	11. 11

**11**

**PENNY**

When I walk into the dining room, I immediately scan for Simon. He wasn’t at breakfast this morning, which extremely worried me. Last time he missed a meal, he was with the Mage. I couldn’t even remember the time before that. That guy loves food more than anything. Especially his scones. Missing scones means a lot in Simon Snow’s world. I see him picking at his food with his head low and a slumber in his body I don’t like.

‘Hey Simon,’ I greet him, trying to be not too careful of how I approach him after I had grabbed a plate for myself. He looks up, eyes more hollow than I’ve seen in a while. The smile he tries to force onto his face is heartbreaking and I fight the urge to wrap him in an embrace of sweet love and comfort from where he could never escape.

‘What’s wrong? And don’t tell me you’re fine,’ I quickly say before he could even try to think about it. He lowers his head, stares at his food and says nothing.

‘Don’t wanna talk about it,’ he eventually murmurs, so quiet I almost miss it. I repress a sigh and just reach out my hand for him to take it. He does, gripping it tightly as he tries to keep back the emotion that wants to overtake his face. For a moment, I think he’s going to cry. But he doesn’t, and that’s almost worse.

We sit there for a good amount of time, but when I’m ready and my plate is clean, Simon hasn’t eaten half of his meal and I decide to get him up for a walk. He follows and we stroll around campus for like half an hour in complete silence. I don’t necessarily want him to talk to me about his struggles when he doesn’t want to, but every time I see his face, drenched in this mix of despair and sadness, it feels like it’s up to me to at least help him a little. To distract him by lightening up his mood so he gets some time of rest to relax, hopefully making him trust me enough to open up.

‘I know you’re probably not in the mood right now,’ I break the quiet without really looking him in the eye, ‘but if you don’t want to tell me, could you let me distract you?’

I see he isn’t really excited to do something at all, but I’m determined to not let him sulk for the whole day. I feel him waiting for my suggestion. ‘We can pass the Cloisters on our way to your dorm so I can grab my laptop and we can watch, uhm… whatever you want on Netflix? You’re up for Pokémon?’ I nudge him with my elbow and I do catch a little smile, or at least an impression of it. He sighs inaudibly, I would’ve missed it if I wasn’t looking at him, but he opens his mouth and agrees softly anyway. I smile in return and go grab my (illegal) laptop, climbing the stairs after he gestured I could go first. Halfway, I feel the air around me tighten with his magic. I glance around at him, reading some kind of fear before he masks his face. Or rather tries, because Simon is an open book.

‘You alright?’ I ask him, concentrating on the steps so I won’t fall.

‘Yeah, I’m okay,’ which he is still not, but seems the be to only answer people can give when they can’t give an explanation of their negative feelings. I drop it, but he doesn’t. His magic keeps being prominent present. When I’m about to open the door, it almost climaxes and I connect some dots. I stay quiet though.

I open their door and walk in their empty room. His magic almost immediately disappears, confirming my suspicions.

‘Is this about Baz?’ I ask, quiet and not pressuring while settling on his bed and scrolling to season three of Pokémon where we left of some weeks ago.

‘No…,’ he said after a moment of hesitation, which makes me think it is, but he continues with: ‘He didn’t do anything this time.’

I want to question him further because my curiosity almost gets the best of me, but that wouldn’t be very effective for my goal of distracting him. He settles himself down, more lying than sitting. I start the episode and we are reminded of how the last one went.

When the theme song starts, he drops his head on my shoulder.

When it ends, he’s fast asleep.

I’m thinking of shutting the laptop since I’ve only chosen Pokémon for Simon, but I’m afraid he will wake up when I move. Since he clearly needs sleep, I opt not to do it and just watch two more episodes until I hear the door open.

Basil stands in the door opening, startled when he sees us, or rather, a sleeping Simon. He has seen me here before but never reported me. I guess I do own him for that, but he never brought it up to me. And he only mentions it to Simon when he’s threatening him for some stupid reason or just to get to him. When he opens his mouth, I bring my finger to my lips and to my surprise, he does shut up. He closes the door, I dare say even quieter than he would do normally, and goes to the bathroom.

Maybe Simon wasn’t lying when he said it wasn’t about Basil, but it’s a weird coincidence that he acts kinder, now of all days. Maybe he did something and feels guilty now. Does Basil ever feel guilty? Yeah, of course, he does. He’s a human with feelings after all. It’s not impossible, no matter his bad character treats.

He comes back some minutes later and goes to sit on his bed, legs stretched before him and hand grabbing a book from under his pillow. I’m instantly curious at what he’s reading, seeing as it’s probably not some shitty YA novel that teens read nowadays. You can count on Basil for that at least: he has style and educational self-respect.

‘If you want, you can close my laptop. Simon fell asleep right away and it’s not really my style thing,’ I say to him, not really whispering but still taking my sleeping friend in account. He looks over to us and the laptop, then nods and comes to my side of the room. His long and pale fingers gently close the top, but I see his eyes linger to Simon's legs beside it from behind some black strands of hair.

I’m more certain now than Basil has something to do with Simon’s mood, but it’s in a way I haven’t seen before. Curiosity flares up again, but I know Simon would hate it if I asked Basil about it.

‘Have you been here long?’ he asks when he sits down again, positioning like he’s never left before.

‘About an hour. Almost,’ I answer. He nods and goes back to reading. We’re silent for about two minutes.

‘What are you reading?’ I ask, not really knowing if I should push my luck by starting a civil conversation, but I hope to get some inspiration. My to-be-read pile is shrinking fast, as always after some weeks into a new semester.

‘Peter Pan,’ he says to my utter surprise. He must’ve read that on my face. ‘What? Were you expecting some serial killer guide?’

I laugh softly. ‘No, I don’t know. Just not that. Have you never read it before?’

‘What? The guide or Peter Pan?’

‘Peter Pan,’ I say, not adding the ‘duh’ but making it clear anyway. He rolls his eyes and sneers: ‘Of course, I have. I’m just refreshing my mind for inspiration to create my spell.’ He’s silent for a bit and seems to think about something. ‘I actually already have a vague idea, but I don’t know if it’s going to work. I guess I like having a back-up plan, though. You know, so I can beat you again as top of the class for sure?’

It’s my time to roll my eyes. ‘You wish, Pitch. I’ve been planning this thing for years now. I’m sure mine will be much better and more sophisticated.’

‘Being sophisticated is one of the typical characteristics from a Pitch, you know? So don’t be so sure about that.’ He has lowered his book and is now looking at me as he speaks. The eye contact could be described as tense rivalry, but for some reason, the edge disappears quickly. My lips form a small grin and we both chuckle softly.

‘What were you thinking to create? If I may ask,’ he goes on.

‘You may,’ I try to copy his posh accent to annotate that nobody talks as official as he does nowadays. ‘I was thinking of stopping time. Ever since I met Micah, I’ve been thinking of impressing wedding proposals. Stopping time is quite impressing, and it seems there aren’t really spells for what I had in mind. So… here we are,’ I conclude.

‘You and the American are still together?’ he asks, although that was pretty obvious after what I said. ‘And you’re really planning on proposing?’

‘Not now, of course. But yes, somewhere in the future.’

He nods, head down. ‘Then stopping time is… yes, that’s romantic.’

I have to stifle a laugh, but he notices anyway. ‘Are you a romantic guy, Basil?’

He glares hard at me, harder than I would’ve thought and I regret it a little. It’s clearly a sensitive subject and it wasn’t really my intention to go that way.

There is a silence again, but it’s awkward now and when I glance at him, I see he isn’t really reading anymore. I think of something to say because I’m pretty bored right now and I’m actually curious about him. I’ve never really had the chance to befriend with him, being friends with Simon and he coming from the Old Families and all, but I do think he could be a pleasant study partner or friend to debate things. I think he’s the only one who could keep up with me, so it really is a missed chance.

‘Could you maybe give me my book too? It’s in my backpack at the end of the bed,’ I ask eventually. He could hardly say no to that, but I can’t help the surprise when he goes to give it to me anyway. He squats down and opens de zipper.

‘There are two here. The one with the graphic cover or the dark blue one?’ he asks.

‘Oh, right, you can give them both. The graphic cover one is for Simon,’ I remember. Baz looks a little surprised at that but comes to give them without a side remark. ‘Thanks,’ I say when he hands them over and I drop Simon’s on his nightstand. Basil follows it with his eyes, now fairly curious.

‘How are you planning to let our frantic Chosen One who can’t even sit still in class read a book in his free time?’ he asks. I scowl up at him.

‘Please, stop the bully act. It’s just us two and he can’t even hear you,’ I bite. He doesn’t excuse himself or rephrases it, but doesn’t go against me either, so I let go and answer: ‘I’m not going to make him. I just keep trying by choosing books he could be possibly interested in. Hoping he gives them a chance. I don’t have anything to lose, so why not?’

He keeps silent, like the idea of doing something for your friends is foreign for him. Then he picks up the book, reads the back and huffs a little, shoulders more moving than really making a sound.

‘It’s not that bad,’ I defend it. ‘I’ve read it and it’s actually altogether not only entertaining, but also educating. You can find the source list on the last pages. It’s smart how they can keep light readers interested by not giving them sec information, but wrapping it up in a story with a brave and funny character.’

‘Sounds like a good way to teach children,’ Basil remarks and I nod, secretly glad he doesn’t make fun of it. He goes back to his bed, but not back to his book. It seems like he’s thinking about something, but he’s far harder to read than Simon, that’s for sure. And he can make you believe whatever he wants, as he probably did for a long time to Simon. He’s not a bad guy or a villain. At least not anymore. Right now, he’s just a normal boy who likes reading, helping his roommate and their friend by keeping quiet enough so he can keep sleeping.

That’s when I think of something else. I had my suspicions of him losing his notes, letting Simon of all persons find it and after today, I think I was right again.

Is that a surprise? No. I’m always right. Simon can confirm.

‘Hey, about teaching,’ he raises his head again when I go into this subject completely out of the blue, ‘I don’t know if Simon has thanked you already for your notes for the test yesterday, even though you didn’t give them to him, but he really needed a good grade. I had no idea how to help him in such a short time, but for some reason, he understood it right away after reading your summary two times.’ I examine his face, looking for a clue or hint of his plotting, but he keeps his cool and says: ‘Yes, I did found out I lost them, but he gave them back in the morning with a _thanks_.’

I’m hesitant and a little unsure if I should go on with why I brought this up, but he already feels that I’m not finished and I just go for it. ‘Simon is having a hard time in general. His grades suffer, they always have, but I see that even the teachers are losing their patience. I want to help him, but as I said, I don’t know how to really achieve something. My methods just don’t seem to work and he doesn’t get a grip on the things I explain.’

Basil his face is still empty and bored and I start to regret speaking to him about one of Simons insecurities. It feels even heavier since he’s leaning on me and not able to defend himself. But I’ve started it, so I can at least ask why I told him this. ‘Is there, maybe, a tiny chance that you could give him your notes or summaries for the next weeks or months until he’s back on track? Or like, help him go through the subject matter when he’s stuck again, trying to explain it your way?’

He raises his eyebrow so high I get scared it will get lost in his hair. ‘Why for Crowley’s sake would I do that?’ he asks incredulously and a little too loud. I feel Simon shuffle in his sleep and hold my breath. ‘Snow is your problem, not mine,’ he goes on, but voice a little dimmed. ‘I don’t care that he used my notes, but I’m not going to charity him.’

‘It’s not charity, it’s called helping someone. Your roommate, who you were casted to because of the Crucible. There were conflicts between you two since the beginning, partly because of politics, but mostly because of your attitudes. I know you are mature enough to get past that. This could be a great start of letting this behind you and ending this insane rivalry between you two so you can leave Watford as equals.’ I know I’m preaching and scolding them - or him, at the moment - like he’s a little child, but it’s not just for him, or Simon. It’s also for me. I’m sick and tired of hearing him ranting about Basil and his ‘plotting’ when I just now that he would be so much more at ease and even happier when they’re friends. Or at least acting normal towards one another. Besides that, I wouldn’t mind having an extra half friend like Basil. I can’t talk to Simon about school or things I find interesting, Agatha isn’t there half the time and is more girly and interested in Normal life than I will ever understand and Micah lives across the fucking ocean.

I don’t need a lot of friends, but even I know I’m sort of hungry for more. Talking passionately about knowledge or some books to someone who can’t follow you isn’t satisfying and leaves you hoping for more understanding than when you first started talking about it.

It could be wishful thinking, but I think that Basil feels the same way. Dev and Niall can be good or loyal friends, but they are such typical teenage boys I can hardly imagine that Baz can make a lot of interesting conversations with them.

‘First of all, Snow and I are destined to kill each other. Raised for that and foretold even, to make it as dramatic as possible,’ he declares and I want to tell him what bullshit that is but he keeps talking, ‘and second, even if I would consider it, I don’t think your drooling friend there would accept my help or appreciate your attempt to get me to do it.’

‘I’m afraid you’re right about that last part, but I hope that he’ll come to understand why I do it. He has enough on his mind and he’s never been keen on studying, which is just a fact. If school goes easier for him, maybe he could relax a little more. Merlin knows he needs it,’ I end my plead while looking at his sleepy face. Even now it’s not completely at ease. When I look up, I’m just in time to see Basil has been looking at him too, face not showing anything but in some way not ice-cold anymore. It gives me hope.

Then Simon starts to whimper. He mutters something inaudible, a crease forming in his forehead. Then he’s still for some seconds before starting again, this time grabbing a little at my clothes and words more understandable. A soft ‘no’ escapes his lips before he presses them tightly together.

Baz and I watch him. It takes some moments to see that is rather creepy. I don’t care anymore when it becomes really clear he’s having a nightmare. He almost drops his head from my shoulder when he shocks hard and without thinking I catch his head so he wouldn’t wake up from a sudden fall. I succeed and he keeps sleeping, but the tangle of words and noises don’t stop.

‘I knew he had problems sleeping, but is it always this bad?’ I ask, troubled with a little fear in my motherly concerned heart.

‘We both kind of find ourselves in that state often,’ he says. Our silence is interrupted by Simons little sounds and I wonder if I should wake him up, but I don’t. He would be more embarrassed when he found us looking at him, and again, he didn’t need the extra stress. It’s hard though when he almost screams, legs pulling up and scraping against mine.

‘Although, most of the times his only start around November or so. But this year, he had them from the very beginning.’ Basil doesn’t look at me or him anymore. Suddenly I want to know what he thinks. I don’t think he likes seeing Simon in pain, no matter how mean he can be by himself, but that doesn’t mean he cares enough to do something about it. Like waking him up at night or casting a **Sweet dreams** when it gets too hard. Seeing someone having a nightmare is hard, no matter who it is, and it keeps you from sleeping too. Even Trixie and I once made the agreement of helping each other in those nights.

‘I think I should go,’ he says, probably thinking the same as me, that if Simon wakes up, things could get really awkward. He stands up, collected but quick, and keeps his book in his hand while going for the door without saying goodbye.

‘Basil,’ I stop him and he pauses midway, ‘would you please think about the tutoring thing?’ He doesn’t answer, and I really wish I didn’t need to go that far but it feels like the last push he needs. ‘Please?’

Simon whimpers again, but softer this time like the worst is over and I hear Basil sighing. ‘Yes. I’ll think about it’.

He leaves. I stare at the door and feel like I need to understand something that’s right there but it’s blurred and impossible to grab.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of my favorite chapters! I love the bond between Penny and Baz and I truly hope I got their vibe right :)  
> Hope you like it!


	12. 12

**12**

**SIMON**

It’s been six days since my breakdown on Saturday when I fell asleep on Penny. I’ve apologised already so many times I can’t put a number on it anymore, and every time again, she says it’s okay and that I don’t need to worry. Even when she doesn’t seem to mind, she’s still worried as hell and I try for her sake to distract her by letting her distract me, in the hope it will really distract me.

It’s like that quote ‘ _fake it till ya make it_ ’. I like the idea. I wish it really worked. Faking I’m the Chosen One until I make it and find a way to kill the Humdrum.

The last days have been tormenting like it has no name. When I finally worked out that I really do fancy Baz - Crowley, I fancy my roommate and archnemesis - I have been wanting to bang my head against the wall for like a hundred thousand times for not realising it sooner. Every movement, every glance, every comment or sneer or touch when he pushes me aside to get me out of his way sets my body aflame. But since he hasn’t been picking that much fights with me for the last weeks and we are on this truce thing, including him keeping me from going off, holding hands in the stars and almost kissing him after accusing him of false things, there aren’t many moments that this happens. Sometimes, it’s even like he goes out of his way not to deal with me.

That wasn’t what I wanted. I plead guilty when it comes to stepping just a little too close to him in the mornings when I go out, standing just in his way and brushing his arm while passing, letting him catch me when I stare at him and catching him when he stares at me. He does stare at me a great deal. Brows furrowed like he’s trying to figure me out. Probably since that little stunt of me from that morning. It’s ridiculous, I know, but when Penny sighs irritated when she sees me looking at him again, she doesn’t seem confused.

It’s not until I’m in class - yes, distracted by his soft slicked back hair again - that I realise why she doesn’t comment on it.

I had always done it. Nothing has changed. I wonder how long I’ve been gone this far for him, explaining my obsession for him with hate.

It’s pouring outside. When not distracted by Baz, I trace the raindrops on the window down with my eyes. It’s extremely hot inside, but for some reason, I seem to be the only one suffering. So, it’s probably my magic being restless, making my skin crawl uncomfortable and making me sweat in my neck and on my back.

Penny already tried three times to let me snap my focus back to the teacher in front of the class, who was explaining how Normals used self-invented short phrases as abbreviations to express a sentiment of happiness, shock or confusion. It is ridiculous. Not only the things she has brought up (LMFAO? YOLO? SMH?) are weird to hear explained by an adult, like it’s some scientifically proven fact, but also because we already know most of them. Me, because of living between Normals for a huge part of my life. Others because of having Internet and social media.

For once, it’s a simple subject I understand, easy to catch up on later, leaving me alone with my thoughts and daydreams about everything I want.

It happens when the teacher starts explaining where STFU came from and I relive my intense moment with Baz for the sixtieth time. A high pitched scream rings through the halls, coming from the front of the school, swallowed up by a low rumble that makes the walls shake and lets things scatter on the ground. Feeling instantly awake again, I jump up and leave through the door right behind us.

I have no idea what rushes through my body right now. Is it adrenaline? Fear? A small part excitement even? It feels like a routine I go through, but a good one for a change. Something I know I can handle, because I have a fair chance. Almost no magic, except for when I have to go off, pure sword fighting and Penny or another pupil or teacher to have my back. Ninety percent of the time it’s just Penny though. And at the end, I can hear everyone catch their breath, relief flowing in the air and the teachers are always easy on me the next hours. Sometimes they even let me go earlier.

As expected, I hear Penny’s fast short steps behind me, followed by a couple of other people when I open the giant doors in my fast run. I stop in my tracks when I see what’s before me.

It looks like a giant white fluffy lion - for one time, fluffy isn’t a synonym for cute - without manes and his legs seem to end in a rather palmate form with claws that I need to remind for when I will approach him. There are a girl and a boy trying to keep him from attacking the school with barrier spells, but they already seem worn out, standing there in soaked clothes and I can’t blame them. Every time they cast a new one, the creature fires a column of heat and destroys whatever they protected in the air before them. They alternate between one another to fill every second without missing a beat, but their powers are not endless.

Penny halts beside me, slightly panting but mostly bracing herself for what is going to happen. When she catches sight of the two students, we look at each other and immediately know what to do.

‘Good luck, Simon. Be careful,’ she says before running off in the rain, going to stand beside the guy and casting another protection spell. I see a fraction of his face and recognize him as a fifth year. I’ve seen him around in Murmurs House. Cheery lad, big shoulders and a firm handshake. I know that from experience. I need to remind to thank him later.

I rush forward, summoning the sword and feeling a grin forming on my face.

Yeah, maybe a little excitement here. Maybe I do have some kind of death wish.

The beast sees me and immediately turns to roar at me, accompanied by balls of fire. I duck and roll just in time between his first two legs to avoid them, stand up and push the sword in his belly. He lets out a shrieking sound, leaving me with a peep in my ears since I’m so close to him, but I don’t really need my hearing for this moment. I make a run to his side to prevent being stamped to a bloody pile of pulp and try to turn him around so he stops attacking the school, giving the others time to breathe and free access for attacking spells.

It doesn’t really work. Even though I just stabbed him, he cares more for the others and keeps firing smoke and now blue heated fire in their direction that doesn’t seem dimmed by the rain at all. The girl that had helped the guy I recognized, is sitting on the ground with her head between her knees and there are fewer people helping than I had hoped for. Where is everyone when you need them?

I impulsively go for the creatures left leg in the back, hoping to slice it enough so he will stumble, but it is less soft than it looks. I quickly see why. The fluffy coat isn’t fluffy at all. They are spines and pins made of ice, protecting his skin with a layer of frost that I wish he would melt with his breath.

A dangerous idea starts to form in my brain. I have hardly time to think it through since I catch his attention again with my weak attempt to hurt him. In a haze of reckless behaviour, I stab him again, uncontrolled but paired with a little magic. Not a spell, just an electric shock, led by the sword I am grabbing with both hands. I half realize I’ve never done this before, feeling a little surprised when the beast does seem still for a moment.

It is, however, just a moment and then his beak kind off collects everything from his throat and lungs to form a last attack to destroy the little bugger at his feet.

The next seconds, everything happens in slow motion.

The time the beast takes gives some precious seconds to a tall black figure to run up to me.

‘Snow!’ he screams and I turn to him, bewilderment starting to rise in me. Please don’t let this happen. This can’t be happening.

Baz slides before me, facing the beast and I try to shove him off in the same moment with every power I have in me because _Baz is flammable and I can’t have him dead I don’t want him to die he can’t be_ -

I lose control of my magic and it runs towards him through my arms, fuelling the spell he started to cast the second he steadies himself and the creature opens his beak.

‘ **Standing frozen in the life I've chosen** ,’ he screams, not so much words as powers echoing through the court, leaving the air shimmering and time stops.

The raindrops around us are like crystals or diamonds, packing the whole sky for almost every inch in a dazzling sight. It seems surreal as I look around, my breathing heavy from the angst I just went through, reminding me of the person under my hands and the thing we just did.

Baz turns around, catching drops that cling into his hair and make him look even more eternal and powerful than he already does. He scans my face with smouldering eyes, not paying attention to what happens, or doesn’t happen, around him.

‘Why for Crowley’s sake do you think you’re going to slay this thing by provoking him and standing right where he can aim you the easiest?’ he bursts out angrily. ‘Maybe you’re the Chosen One, but you can die too you know!’

I’m surprised by his outburst, looking at him like he has lost his mind. The fear hasn’t left my veins yet, so I find myself spitting back at him even when I don’t want anything more than wrapping my arms around him and gliding my fingers in his hair with diamonds. ‘You may be a vampire, but that makes you fucking flammable, Baz! Why for God’s sake would you jump in front of me in such a critical moment?! I had a plan!’

‘To fry yourself?’ he yells with such heat in his voice I almost think he’s going to spit fire himself.

‘No! To let him fry himself! Look at him, he’s made of ice and I can’t get through with my sword, but I hoped he would melt himself to give me some seconds to see if it worked,’ I explain, letting go of his arm to gesture wild at the legs and flank of the body. The moment I do, the rain starts to fall again, first slow, but then faster and faster and then I really need to thank Baz for saving my life. He pushes me out of the way the second that time starts again and the fire that the monster was building up lands in the spot where we stood. Although, if he wasn’t there, it wouldn’t have happened anyway.

Now that we are with two, the beast attacks us more, probably because Baz is casting as well as Penny and the others, leaving him in the middle of a giant spell firework.

‘Okay, so your sword doesn’t do anything,’ Baz yells again above the loud noises of the creature and the rain, his eyes swirling in livid grey as he looks at me. ‘And I don’t want you to try that thing of you again. It’s an Anzû. He can resist his own heat.’

Oh, so it wouldn’t have worked anyway. And I thought I was being smart and clever.

‘Last time I checked, the barriers weren’t holding enough,’ he keeps going, ‘so we need to come up with something quick.’

I see a flash of an idea in his expression. At this moment, I don’t care anymore what he invents. I feel more confident (and afraid) when he’s next to me and I don’t give him a moment to explain. I just put my hand on his shoulder again, leaving the heat to flow. His back straightens and his eyes widen in my direction, but it only takes him a second to start what he had plotted.

And I didn’t expect that to be a poem in a half-chanting half-singing rumbling voice, for Christ sake.

_Some say the world will end in fire,_

_Some say in ice._

_From what I’ve tasted of desire_

_I hold with those who favor fire_

The creature has now completely turned his head and attention to us, not giving a shit anymore about the others attacking his back. He seems enthralled by the words that leave Baz’s mouth and I can only be half as excited as I should be since he kind of got me enchanted too.

His voice is strong but low and feels like a hundred of elephants running and jumping on the ground, making me lose my balance but not quite because I steady Baz. And he steadies me.

_But if it had to perish twice,_

_I think I know enough of hate_

_To say that for destruction ice_

_Is also great_

_And would suffice_

The beast has slowed down his movements and is almost completely frozen when Baz ends. For a second, I think the bastard did it. Not only did he stop time, but also an icy beast with flames that could kill him in a blink. But then it shakes his head, like waking up from a dream and his muscles seem to tighten even more up. Before he can attack again, Baz chants once more, now drawing energy and magic from me. I don’t care. I give it all to him.

Halfway, the beast stands frozen again and I hear a loud scream and a collection of voices casting a last spell in unison. A large blanket of silver magic dawns upon the white lion-like creature, devouring him until it lays flat on the ground, disappearing and leaving nothing behind.

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Baz turns his head to me as if asking if I’m alright, even though I didn’t do a thing except for grabbing him.

‘That… how did you… Christ, Baz, you’re amazing,’ I blurt out without thinking, feeling my head heat up a soon as I realise what I said. The rain is pouring in my eyes when I look up at his face. It’s settled in an expression of astonishment, lips parted a little as in a silent ‘ _oh’_ and I can’t help but stare at it. There seems to be a little bit more colour in his lips, his skin, even his eyes and I wonder if that is because of me. Because of my magic.

He ponders for a little moment as if debating if he should thank me or scold me or just sneer and walk away like the almighty king he wants to be, but he settles for a: ‘It was spontaneous, but wouldn’t have worked without your magic. Thank Merlin we knew we could do that…’

A smile breaks through, sounds of relief escaping my mouth and I can’t keep my eyes off his face, his wet hair in strands around his face but still so fucking graceful. _He doesn’t need all those products, the wanker. He’s a natural beauty._

He raises his hand as if to touch my chest or chin but just tucks his hair behind his ear, leaving me with an unfair feeling of disappointment. Thank God Penny slips to a halt in the mud, clenching onto my shirt and almost screeches in my ear: ‘What were you thinking, Simon!’

Baz breaks our eye contact and steps backwards to give the tsunami of Penelope Bunce some space. ‘I know you feel miserable, but that was like you _wanted_ to die!’ she yells, pounding a single fist into my chest. I look at her, perplexed, letting her rage for some seconds and then grabbing her wrists.

‘Penny! Pen, calm down. I wasn’t trying to kill myself,’ I exclaim, ‘I did had a plan, it just went poorly.’ I leave out the part where Baz said it would have failed no matter what.

‘I saw that. Damn, Simon, you gave me a heart attack!’ she says. I think her eyes are a little wet, but that could be the rain too. Guilt washes over me, as well as an unexpected warmth. She was worried about me. She is always worried about me. She’s my best friend and she cares for me as I have always wished somebody would. If not for her, I would’ve been killed multiple times already.

And now Baz helped me too.

I look over at where he stands, only to find him already ten steps away, silently escaping the scene of emotions. Penny follows my gaze and then shouts at him: ‘Come back here at once! You’re not much better, aren’t you? Jumping in front of him when that Anzû is about to fire. How did you get away that fast anyway?’

‘You rather wish I didn’t? Because you know, he wouldn’t be standing here right now if I hadn’t done that,’ he says, eyebrow raised and tucking his wand away in his sleeve.

‘No. No, I’m glad you did it. I’m serious, thank you,’ she quickly says, and I read surprise and a sparkle of something I don’t know making a way across his face, ‘but two dead mages isn’t better anyway.’

‘Thank Crowley for my reflexes then,’ he says coolly and I frown. Reflexes? He stopped the bloody time, what does he mean reflexes?

‘But you…’ I start, but his eyes pierce into mine, wordlessly demanding to shut up. It’s a quick movement, but Penny catches it. ‘What happened?’ she asks again, voice fierce and I’m glad I’m not at the end of it. He just rolls his eyes and wants to walk away, but she continues.

‘And at the end? That poem? How did you do that? I know you have a lot of power, but the only one that could be able to perform that is someone like Simon if he had the contr-.’ She stops, slowly turning to look at me. I have no idea what to say, so I shut up and try to look not directly in her eye.

‘Do we really have to do this now, Bunce? I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m soaked to my bones and I rather not want to get a cold because of this,’ Baz sneers irritated, now really walking away.

‘Do vampires get colds anyway?’ I mumble, so quiet even Penny doesn’t catch it, but Baz does. His eyes look murderous and he hisses: ‘I just saved your fucking ass. You better stop accusing me from shit like that, because you’re really about to cross a line there, Snow,’ and he strides away, leaving me with wide eyes, regret in my heart and a twitch in my hand to reach out for him to apologise. I don’t, scared and confused. Was he that upset about the vampire comment? Or was it just the timing? He actually kind of confirmed it, since no human could have heard me say that under my breath. But I don’t care that he’s a vampire. Maybe once I did, but not anymore. And absolutely not after all these recent events.

‘Simon?’ Penny asks, getting me back to earth. ‘Are you okay?’

Besides the Baz drama and the fear and adrenaline and the feeling of touching Baz and how he saved me - twice, or even three times - and the time-stopping thing that Penny didn’t saw and the magic sharing she’s about to find out… ‘Yes. I am. But we need to head back inside too. You’re freezing,’ I say, seeing her shiver in her skirt and soaked clothes. She nods and grabs my arm while walking up to the gates. Almost everyone is gone, but I see the girl and guy in the doorway, sitting under a blanket and talking in hushed voices against each other. I walk up to them and they stop when they see me. The guy crooks a smile and says: ‘Hey Simon. You okay?’

I nod and answer: ‘Yeah, I guess. You guys? That was some pretty heavy magic.’ He shrugs, knocking the girl in her shoulders. ‘We could hardly run away, huh?’

‘You could have, actually. Loads would have done it. Proven, since you were almost the only one helping… Uhm, so… Thank you, for that,’ I say, awkwardly scratching my neck and hoping I don’t look like an imbecile. Then, they both smile at me, although the girl a little weakly and the guy answers for both of them: ‘You’re welcome. Glad it’s over though.’

‘Yeah, me too,’ I admit and I wave my goodbye when I go back to Penny, who grabs my arm again, spells my clothes dry and walks us in the direction of the next class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When Baz casts the time freezing spell, I used a line from Frozen's theme song Let It Go by Demi Lovato, which I was pretty proud of when it came to me. It's like the spell can only work if he chooses this new path in life: helping Simon and even willing to give his life for it ('standing frozen in the life I've chosen').
> 
> And the poem is one of my favourites ever from Robert Frost, called 'Fire and Ice'.  
> Yes, I plead guilty, I chose this specific monster only so I could use this poem.  
> No, I don't feel guilty at all :D
> 
> Link to the poem:  
> https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44263/fire-and-ice


	13. 13

**13**

**BAZ**

Bunce cornered me in the hallway after our last lesson.

‘You. Come with us. Research. Library. Now.’ Then she strode away. Snow was standing some metres behind her and shoot me a nervous glance, then an apologising before shrugging and walking to the direction his sidekick went.

I was not obligated to follow her, and I had already searched the whole library the last days for notions of sharing magic but I didn’t found anything. I had no idea how to feel about that. I really didn’t want to have another thing I don’t know a thing about. Having vampirism characteristics is already enough, but now being able to tap someone’s magic when they give it to you, being that someone Simon freaking Snow of all people, was really a problem I could miss.

Although… it did felt good. Like, really good. I’ve never felt that good, that alive, since years. To be honest, not since my mother and I died.

And when I saw Snow walking away, with that infuriating ass of him, I was tempted to follow him - and Bunce I guess - just for the excuse to spend time with him. It was refreshing to talk to him without necessarily fighting or shouting at him, even when I was still a snarky person, but he didn’t really seem to mind. Which was weird, but I take it without questions. I was just a little freaked out the moment after our battle against that Anzû when I spat out at him. I wasn’t really mad at him or anything, but it all became a little too much. He was standing there, blurting I was amazing with his wet curls sticking to his forehead and all I wanted to do was touch him and feel the heat of his body and his face under my frozen fingers while the magic was still silently simmering under my skin. I guess he just came a little too close… and after all these days of inner nerve-recking truce, I became really scared of showing too much of what I really felt.

Snow was already about to turn the corner when he looked over his shoulder at me. There was a mixture of hesitation, desperation and hopeful pleading in his eyes and that was more than enough for my feet to start walking towards him. And when he looked relieved, I almost ran. I schooled my expression, expecting he would just start to walk again, but then the disaster actually _waited_ for me. I almost started blushing like a little school girl and I think my eyes were blazing with something distasteful because that was the normal thing to do to when I didn’t want to give anything away.

I had to give him credit. He didn’t meet my eyes but wasn’t scared away. When I had caught up with him, he fell in step with me and I felt my heart growing. This must’ve been the first time we were walking together in the corridors without fighting, actually walking with the same shred. It was amazing.

‘Uhmm… Baz?’ he eventually said. I didn’t answer but didn’t cut him off either. That was enough. ‘I’m sorry if I made you upset after we fought that… Amsi?’

I rolled my eyes. ‘Anzû, you idiot. And you didn’t make me _upset_ ,’ I sneered, sounding like I was horrified at the thought alone. In fact, my heart melted again for the millionth time for him being so gentle and cute.

‘Well, then… uuhm, angry? Bothered? Any kind of synonym from that? I don’t really have a dictionary in my head, but… you know… I’m sorry. And I want to thank you again for helping me. I… I was, no, am glad you were there,’ he concluded, still not looking at me but rubbing at his forearms again. I frowned at the action, again wondering where he had picked that up.

‘It’s okay. I’m glad I could help,’ I said as civilized and neutral as I could. His head snapped up, probably surprised why I wasn’t being difficult, but he dropped it and we walked in silence to the doors where I saw Bunce disappear.

People looked at us, walking together without problems, rather openly, curious and suspicious. Snow must’ve seen it too because he started fidgeting at his sleeve-ends. I glared at anyone, daring to say something. My reputation must be scary enough to make them stop making us feel like animals in the zoo. 

‘So,’ Bunce didn’t look up when we arrived, ‘I thought of browsing books using **Fine tooth pick: sharing magic**. Or maybe some other terms or combinations. Ideas?’ She divided dozens of books she had already picked out. I recognized a lot of titles, and of course, I had used the same method. I thought about saying we weren’t going to find anything, but I didn’t. _Pathetic_ , my mind screamed again. My head just nodded and I settled myself in front of the two.

‘Maybe we can use other wording too, like ‘splitting magic’ or even ‘giving magic’?’ I suggested. Bunce agreed, and even Snow showed reaction by moving his head, doing something that could be understood as a nod. That was the last thing we said to each other for a long while.

The books were thick and old and probably way too difficult for Snow. He sighed like they had insulted him personally, closing them with a clap when he thought he was ready - seriously, he couldn’t even perform the spell, it was no use - what deserved him a glare from Bunce I could relate to. I too would appreciate a little more respect for the books.

I remembered the book Bunce had left for him last Saturday, the day we had almost kissed and where I had kind of bonded with Bunce. I had even enjoyed it. Her interests, way of thinking and wits were what I had always imagined and the way she and Snow interact is like the perfect example of friendship. I had to suppress a sudden feeling of jealousy. It was just something I never had, and her eyes when Snow had started to stir were so concerned and warm it had almost hurt. I don’t think someone had ever looked at me like that when I was down or depressed.

But, back to the book on his nightstand, I don’t think Snow had already looked at it for more than a second. It was such a contrast to what I would do if someone left a book for me. I would immediately look at it, maybe search some things about it to prepare myself with knowledge for a full understanding and experience and probably dive right in with the first fifty or hundred pages.

‘I ran out of books,’ Snow said after a while. Both Bunce and I looked up, involuntary glancing at each other for a fraction of a second and probably thinking the same thing. It gave me a weird feeling of comradery I quickly ignored. Instead, I shifted my attention to Snow who hadn’t noticed. The oblivious idiot.

‘You sure your magic worked efficient enough to really exclude every possibility of a mention of it?’ Bunce carefully asked, as if not willing to accuse him of incomplete work but still doubting it.

‘I guess,’ he shrugged. I rolled my eyes. Other times, I would’ve stated what she just said more bluntly and without sparing any feelings, but I already knew it was hopeless to find something so I just kept going through my pile.

‘Besides,’ he continued, ‘it’s almost dinner time. Can’t we take a break?’

I checked the time, mildly surprised at how long we had been searching. Working with those two had a weird effect on me.

‘If we stop now, it’s not for a break,’ Bunce answered. ‘I’m going to my room after dinner to check the tests for tomorrow one last time and then go to bed. Today was exhausting.’

‘Did you say… Tests? As in plural?’ Snows eyes widened, mouth never closing. ‘I thought it was just Magical History?’

‘No, the Minotaur has given us one too today. Some pop quiz. The lesson after the attack?’ Bunce said with a question in her voice, as if checking if he remembered anything at all. Judging by his groan, that was not the case.

‘I didn’t even pay attention!’ he exclaimed and I think he side-glanced at me at that.

‘Just check your book and read what we have talked about. It wasn’t that hard,’ Bunce said. Snow didn’t look convinced.

I knew what Bunce thought when she looked back at me and I already knew that I was going to do it too. That didn’t mean I was ready for it though.

‘You know I can’t read and comprehend at the same time. I need to hear it explained in a simple, not comprehensive way,’ Snow pouted. I had to look away.

‘You didn’t seem to have a problem with that when you studied Basil’s notes,’ Bunce remarked nonchalantly. I felt how Snow's gaze flicked to me and I tilted my head slightly to meet him, raising an eyebrow. To my surprise, his face was as red as the curtains that blocked the evening light at the windows. Adorable, and not very helpful for my restraint.

The table was silent. Bunce, because it wasn’t her problem. Me, because I definitely wasn’t going to propose help voluntarily. Snow, because he was probably afraid of asking my help, or fighting his pride and considering if it was worth his grades to risk not asking. I was curious about what he was going to do. Maybe if I hadn’t shouted at him earlier, he wouldn’t spend a second thought on it, since our truce and all. Deep down, I hoped he would be brave enough to try and ask. According to Bunce, she wasn’t going to be there, so it would be just Snow and me. An excuse for me to be close to him or talk to him without being too mean. On the other hand, my heart was already hammering at the danger of going too far and crossing a line even he would notice.

‘Anyway, you’re right. It’s dinnertime and I’m starving,’ Bunce eventually broke the awkward moment. ‘I’ll take my books to where I have found them. You can leave yours here,’ she said to me, ‘I’ll take care of it. Thank you for helping.’

See, now I felt guilty. Knowing we were spending our time on nothing but acting like I was a noble co-worker who gave his time to research. I mean, I guess I was part of the mystery and so not really having a valid excuse would leave me helping anyway, but still.

I cleared my throat. I hadn’t said a word for the whole time. ‘My pleasure,’ I said, scraping my chair back. ‘Bunce. Snow,’ I greeted, hoping the nightmare would stop me. He didn’t and I left for dinner.

I tried not to feel too disappointed. I was going to see him anyway in our room. If I could even muster up the courage, I could try to conversate normally with him without an excuse, but it all felt so fragile. This thing between us, whatever it was, was brittle and uncertain. We needed, I needed homework as an excuse for conversations. It was truly tragic and I sighed.

I strolled my way to the dining hall, pondering if I really needed food tonight or only blood, but a small part in my heart whispered there was a bigger chance to convince Snow without words that I could help if I was where he could see me. So, as the sad gay vampire that I am, I reached for the doors intending to find Dev and Niall and pick at my food without eating a lot.

‘Baz!’ I heard his voice behind me, a little too loud for the small distance between us. I didn’t mind. I was way too happy.

I turned around and looked at his flustered face with a bored expression. ‘Did you leave Bunce behind to deal with all the cleaning work? You’re such a gentleman.’ It was definitely not the thing I should say, but let’s add ‘flirting failure’ to ‘sad’ and ‘vampire’.

‘She said I could go,’ Snow explained annoyed between two breaths. I huffed.

‘Glad you had her approval. I thought she was _your_ sidekick instead of the other way around?’ 

Snow grabbed his curls frustrated in one hand and flapped helplessly with the other on his side. ‘Dammit Baz, she’s not my sidekick! She probably saved my life more than I can count on one… no, let’s make that two hands.’

‘Well, thank Crowley you have her then. Saving your life, cleaning up your mess, both in life and in the librar-‘

‘Oh, you know what? Never mind. Enjoy dinner,’ he snarled, turning away to the opposite direction of the food. I could curse myself, for destroying my luck like it’s a hobby of mine. I think I could come up with dozens of other words to describe my life other than the previously mentioned.

Snow realized he wasn’t getting anywhere with the side he had turned to and came back with a grudging expression. Coming closer to me - and the door - I did what he always did and turned off my brain. I grabbed his arm when he passed me.

‘I’m sorry. What were you going to say?’

He froze, shifting his head to my eyes. I read shock in his blue pools and I wondered from afar what I did.

‘Did you just… apologize?’ he asked. I controlled my tongue and face and words to prevent letting any annoyance slip. Seriously? That was what got him silenced? I guess I never did apologize for anything, but it was still so typically him that I nearly took it back. His jaw clenched when he felt my grip still on his arm and I jerked it away, putting some distance between us. That made him move and I saw him looking for words.

‘I uhmm… You can probably guess what I am going to ask… since you’re that smart and all, and it’s obvious, and Penny mentioned, although not explicit… but could you, if you’re not… we do sleep in the same room, but still-‘

‘Aleister Crowley, Snow, spit it out!’ his flow of words was even worse than usual and I noticed, almost to my frustration, that he was rubbing his skin again with his sleeves.

‘Could you help me with the tests for tomorrow?’ he blurted out, looking at a point right beside me.

‘I could. Yes. But you should know that the correct question would be: _‘Will you help me?’_ ’ I said. I had no idea why I was making this so difficult for him, but it’s like I knew no other way.

‘I don’t care about stupid grammar!’ he flashed back, eyes blazing instead of avoiding me.

‘You better should. It could help you with finally getting basic spells right and making people understand you. If you manage to stop the blustering too, I mean.’

He sighed, shoulders slacking, eyes closing and an almost pained expression on his face. His hands let go of whatever he was doing. I was tempted to grab one of them.

Or both. If I do something, I should do it well.

‘Seriously, Baz. Stop going for the lowest blow. What the hell did I do to deserve it this time?’

 _Nothing_ , I want to say _. It’s my fault. Yours too, for being so unbelievably stupid, but mostly mine. I’m a mess_. I tried to sneer, but I’m pretty sure I failed. He didn’t notice. Instead, he opened the doors and disappeared for food, leaving me with more self-hate than I thought was possible.

What is wrong with me? Why do I do that all the time, even when it’s not appropriate or necessary? I constantly hope for a chance, a change, a gorgeous hero who needs me but I destroy it every time I get it.

It was my time to sigh. I clenched my fists in my pockets and decided this couldn’t go any longer like this. I wasn’t only making myself miserable, but Snow too and I had promised myself (and sort of Bunce) to look out for him. So, when I entered the dining hall, I took the long way to my table so I passed Snows who was sitting alone, waiting for Bunce and Wellbelove. Chatters stopped to see what was going to happen when he noticed me and I sauntered over, even and controlled. I was still the classiest of them all, and no matter how gone I was, I damn acted like it. I stopped next to him, a little closer than necessary so I didn’t need to speak too loud. When I had his full attention, I said: ‘I will.’

Walking to my normal spot and sitting down without giving an explanation to my friends who gave me faces drenched in confuse, I felt his gaze and the ones of hundreds of other students follow me.

I didn’t look at him for the whole time, way too afraid of what I would find.

I didn’t plan much forward, so I actually had no idea of where I would help him. Was I supposed to go back to the library, or wasn’t that necessary since Bunce wouldn’t be there anymore? I mean, I think it would be logical to just go to our room, but Snow isn’t a very logical or even practical person and most of the time I had no freaking clue what was going on in that head of his. And I think that I should be rather thankful for that.

I emerged earlier than usual from the dining hall to go and feed, because there was no way that would happen once Snow and I met up and even though I already deeply hated the prospects of blushing easier, I needed to. I didn’t need the growing urge to bite him when being close to him.

I only greeted my mom with a quick hello and some fresh flowers, because once I decided to go to our room, I wanted to be there before him. Cleaning myself up a little bit after today, pulling myself together to prepare for whatever was going to happen and quickly emptying a bag of salt & vinegar chips. I started walking back, not knowing why I was so nervous and scolding myself for losing my mind for something as simple as explaining him our test for tomorrow. Bunce wasn’t lying when she said it was easy, so it wouldn’t even take half an hour if he actually tries to focus. Maybe it was because of our argument - which was, without doubt, my fault - and then my approach and admission.

Maybe it was because of all the last times we were together, it was in a shockingly intimate way. I hated that I craved it and hoped desperately it would happen again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very subtle, Penny ;)  
> Very straightforward, Simon :)  
> ... very effective way to get your crush to spend time with you, Baz -_-


	14. 14

**14**

**SIMON**

I can’t breathe.

And I mean that in the best way of the word. Baz is standing so close to me I almost choke on the fresh waves of cedar and bergamot since he showered before we began, saying he needed it more after today than I will ever need scones at breakfast. It was such a wrong statement I almost dug my own grave, but I was rather busy picturing Baz in the shower. Water flowing over his naked body. Hands in his hair. Body and muscles stretched out. Eyes closed as he tried to relax. Hands trailing down in order to fully relax… I swear I almost ran out of the room to shout at myself until I was hoarse, scrubbing my mind with bleaching water to rub the way too intimate and horrifying privacy violation thoughts away. I tried to think of everything that would stop me from turning on, even desperately trying picturing a naked Mage with a Christmas hat, but then I felt just so uncomfortable I cringed even more. I busied myself with preparing for his help, taking out books on my bed and turning to the right page, but that can only keep a man busy for so long. The next twenty minutes when I tried to calm myself down were torturing.

It was all for nothing when he stepped out of the bathroom, hair loose around his face and bringing his scent with him. He walked over to the window I had opened, giving me a far too beautiful sight of his ass, and closed it, saying that if he was going to help me, he wasn’t doing it while freezing to death. I just shrugged, knowing he hated it, but really not able to do anything else because _now Baz was leaning over me to check the pages and dropping his notes before me with a small breath I felt on my cheek because of how close he is and oh my god did his fingers just touched my shoulder and wait… a… second… was he sniffing at my hair??_

I wanted to die of overflowing feelings. Why, oh why did I thought this was a good idea?

‘Have you already read what it was about?’ he asks, retrieving to sit in his own chair but facing me. I _needed_ to control myself because I wasn’t going to survive this otherwise. Baz would murder me if he knew. Oh, if only he knew…

‘No, not yet… shall I do that first?’ I asked, sounding a little too small for my liking, but he didn’t say anything about it. Just nodded and said that that could help. So, I tried to read it. The emphasis on trying. I was busier keeping myself from ogling at him and his long and never-ending outstretched legs and the invasive thought of him under the shower. He had picked up a book I had seen him reading earlier and noticed to my great despair how his brows often furrowed when he read something he didn’t like, but how it vanished from time to time, replaced with a small quirk in the corner of his mouth with these beautiful full-formed lips that looked way too soft to be natural. Damn!

I sighed softly, more in longing of him than at my books, but he caught it anyway (vampire hearing) and nudged his chin towards the papers spread out before my crossed legs. ‘Ever tried to read it out loud?’

Now I stared at him. ‘Out loud?’ I repeated dumbly. He rolled his eyes. ‘Yes. Out loud. You know, opening your mouth and forming the words with your voice when you read along?’

‘I know what out loud means,’ I said annoyed. Why did I like this prick again? ‘I’m just pretty sure that if I would do that any other time, you would hex my balls off.’ I turned red as soon as the words left my mouth. Why do I keep saying the most embarrassing things again?

‘Probably, yes, but I’ll give you a pass for today. Just mumble or something. You don’t have to read it aloud like a fairy-tale.’

‘You don’t like fairy tales?’ I asked, secretly curious about his answer.

‘Not the point, Snow. But they are useful for spells and cures.’

Not really the answer I was hoping for, but not a sneer either. I take what I can get.

I turned to my book again and started to mumble the words as silent as I could because it was pretty awkward, but I did get further than before because I was actually forced to concentrate. I didn’t understand half of what I was saying, but at least I knew now what it was about. In general.

I stopped reading when I arrived at the bottom of the last page and Baz put his book away, giving me his full attention. I had no idea what to do with it.

‘So, you understand the subject?’ he asked, leaning slightly forward. I didn’t. Understand, that is. And I knew he was here to help me. He even came back to me after I gave up, but I was still angsty of him making fun of me. I had no idea if I could handle that now, today.

‘No… not really,’ I said anyway because saying _yes_ wasn’t really an option, ‘but I haven’t read your notes, so… maybe after that?’ I added to not appear like a complete dumbass.

‘Do you want to do that first?’ he asked. I nod hesitantly, a little surprised at how calm and sincere he was. He picked up his book again, opening it where he left off, but I didn’t think he really started reading again. My nerves were on edge, but I tried to go on anyway.

Since Baz had closed the window, the room was heating up really quickly. I felt it under my skin and there was sweat starting to form in my neck and on my back. It crawled like an unbearable itch, tempting me to scratch. I didn’t, leaving me wiggling a little as a result. Baz sighed. ‘You can’t have possibly lost your concentration already. You’re barely reading for ten minutes.’

I groaned. It’s not my fault I was a bad student, rooming with a hot and fucking smart roommate in a way too hot room. He stopped, thinking of something. ‘Do you have… like, a concentration problem? Have you ever been tested for ADHD or something?’

I looked up, startled by the sudden change of subject, but mostly confused by what he said.

‘AD… what?’ I repeated a little wobbly, taking in his questioning eyes.

‘ADHD. It’s a name they give to the inability of not being able to concentrate for long or having too much energy. Getting itchy when sitting still too long. I don’t really know anyone who has it, so I don’t know the details or how exactly it is in real life. I think there’s something like ADD too?’

‘I don’t… I have no idea… are you saying… You think I have a problem?’ I concluded with a high voice.

‘Not necessarily. Just opting some… options?’ he said, averting my eyes. ‘I don’t mean anything with it. It’s just that I would like to know if there was a name for it. _If_ there is something,’ he added quickly when he saw me opening my mouth. I had no idea what to say.

‘Honestly, I was just moving because I’m too hot since you closed the window,’ I carefully said. He made a sound of annoyance at that, but I recognized how his jaw clenched a little in discomfort, what made me feel something I had no name for. He really had genuinely offered a suggestion. ‘But maybe… it could be possible. What you said does apply to me. No concentration, too much energy… Would the teachers and the Mage give me a less hard time when I had a valid excuse for my grades?’ I asked promptly hopeful. He rolled his eyes and scolded: ‘You’re not that bad, Snow. You just need another learning method than the one they give here and that you’re used to. And thereby, I don’t think the teachers or the Mage are that hard on you. Honestly, I doubt that someone else would’ve gotten this far with your troubles.’

‘You mean that they pity me and give me a free pass because I’m the so-called Chosen One who’s going to die anyway,’ I answered, mood sour immediately and a bitter tone creeping into my voice. I saw how Baz wanted to say something but then closed his mouth again. I didn’t know if it was because he tried to be less mean or because he thought I was right. No matter what it was, I was glad he didn’t say it. The room fell silent and I was reminded of the heat again. I tilted my head and lifted my hair to prevent it from sticking in my neck, but it was no use since it fell back immediately, of course.

‘Why don’t you just change in something less thick? You’re wearing clothes you normally wear in winter, which is still not thick enough for freezing days by the way,’ he commented. ‘Just put on a shirt with short sleeves.’

I should’ve seen this coming. I knew he must’ve noticed I hadn’t slept without a shirt anymore either, but I could find an excuse for that more easily. But what he suggested now was logical and normal and it would be weird to not do it. I couldn’t, though. Spikes of fear started already running through my mind at the idea of him seeing bare skin, like the first day of the year, but more importantly; my forearms.

The wounds and scratches had become so much worse than they once were since I never left them alone. Of course, they were only just scratches, nothing abnormal. There is always something with me with all the missions and fights I get into, but I already knew I wasn’t going to be able to lie about it. We knew each other for so long, enemies or not, and just like knowing when the other was asleep, we noticed other stuff too. I just saw him clenching his jaw as a sign of an uncomfortable feeling and I’m pretty sure I never succeeded in lying to him. Something told me he wouldn’t let it slip this time, with the truce and his rather friendly behaviour this night, and I wasn’t ready for that conversation. And absolutely not with him.

 _Why?_ A voice asked in my head. Maybe it was my own. Made me question my own sanity. I had no time now to analyse that thought or feeling. I had already waited too long after what he said and of course, he had noticed my struggling. ‘Snow?’

I hoped my eyes weren’t too obvious, but I smiled as carefree as possible. He frowned and I realized my mistake. There wasn’t a reason to smile, so it must’ve been even weirder than I intended to. I felt my face growing warm in embarrassment and hoped to distract him with flipping it off and turning back to the papers.

‘I’m okay, but could you maybe explain this?’ and I pointed to the first thing I saw on his notes before me. I hadn’t read it before and didn’t even know what it was about, but I doubted I would’ve known otherwise, so his explanation would be useful anyway. He didn’t react immediately, ankles crossed over one another and left hand clenching his book. My heart was pounding when he found my eyes. I saw he felt there was more and that he wanted to ask what this was about. I needed to hold a shuddering exhale when he didn’t and just stood up to walk over to my side of the room. My body immediately reacted in ridiculous anticipation.

‘You remember the lessons we had about this last year? Because this lesson continues where we left off,’ he said. I didn’t, of course, but wasn’t sure if I could say that. Turns out he could see it written on my face, which confirmed my theory of never being able to lie to him. I had to give him credit. He didn’t sigh or became annoyed, just pulled his chair closer and started summarizing what we apparently had learned in as little sentences as possible while pointing at stuff in his notes. I tried my hardest to really concentrate on his words, but just as it began to work, he stopped talking. I waited for him to go on. He didn’t.

‘What?’ I asked him. He raised an eyebrow.

‘What what?’ he said back. If I wasn’t so confused, I would be laughing. It was weird to hear Baz say something so childish with his posh voice.

‘Why did you stop?’

‘… Because that’s it?’ he replied like it was a question.

‘That’s it?’ I repeated. ‘That’s what I never understood? But it’s so easy! Why don’t teachers just explain this as simple as that? They blow it up like there is so much more about it.’

Baz grinned, leaning graciously back in a way that made me follow his body. ‘It really is easy. Glad you understand it now. You think you’re ready for what you need to know for the test, now you know the background?’

I nodded, feeling a little lighter with the prospect of truly understanding the subject. It was rare that I went prepared and confident for a test and I missed that comfort. And I’ve been only studying for fifteen minutes.

Plus, studying with Baz isn’t anything like studying with Penny. Or alone. It’s not only clearly understandable but also an excuse for spending time with him. And if it wasn’t a fun time… he hasn’t mocked me at all during this, against all odds. I never wanted to go back to before.

Before I knew, he went on to his next paper, asking me questions I could answer after some hints or an extra side explanation. When we were through the whole thing, he quizzed me on some things and made me elaborate without me noticing and I ended up explaining the thing to him. I stopped mid-sentence with wide eyes. ‘Sweet Jesus, I actually understand,’ I said with wide eyes. Baz was sitting relaxed in his chair, hands folded, watching me with a glint in his eyes. ‘Starting to swear like a Normal again?’ but it didn’t felt like an insult and I felt so energetic I almost jumped up to hug him. I barely avoided that impulsive reaction.

‘Merlin, Baz, how did you do that?’ I asked instead. ‘Did you use some concentration spell on me or maybe a knowledge-absorbing thing?’

‘No. You did it all by yourself.’

He sounded so sincere I fell silent. I looked at him and I had no idea what he read in my eyes, but I hoped it was what I felt. Wonder. And gratitude. ‘Thank you, Baz. I mean it. You… you’re a good teacher when you’re patient.’ He snorted.

‘No need to thank me. We wouldn’t want our hero to go and praise the villain .’

I frowned. Why did he say that? ‘You’re not a villain, Baz.’

‘That’s the first time you contradict me on that. I thought that was the only thing we agreed on. Guess that’s off the table too, then.’

‘Maybe you once were,’ I say to defend my once expressed opinion, ‘but not anymore. A villain wouldn’t help me or agree on a truce or save me from a dangerous creature that’s about to kill me.’

‘Maybe I just saved you so I could be the one to kill you in the War,’ he said, proposing the idea so carelessly I almost wince.

‘So this is a plot then?’ I say, spirit lowering in an instant after the high feeling.

‘No, Snow, it’s not. But it’s just a fact that the War will happen and this truce will end.’

‘Way too kill the mood,’ I murmur and I let myself fall back on the bed. I was still too hot, shirt sticking to my back and I secretly hoped that Baz would go feed tonight so I could open the window for some time. At the same time, I wished this thing between us would never be interrupted by the thing called _life_. I glanced at him from where I lay, but he seemed to be staring into space. There was a silence growing between us, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Rather… thoughtful?

I liked this. How normal things felt between us. Not just today but these last weeks too. I’m not taking his mean sneers before dinner into consideration, even when he did agree to help me in the end, which felt for some reason as an apology. I thought back of when this started… was it when I was about to go off that time I came back from that mission with the Mage? The time we shared magic for the first time? The time when I almost completely fainted right into his arms? I had almost forgotten about that with everything that happened after, but now I wished I had paid a little more attention to how he felt against me. His arms around me, his heart beating when my face rested against his cold but hard and surprisingly pleasant chest under his soft pyjama’s, his rare soft voice and how it rumbled through his body and how it felt… I didn’t know back then I felt more for him, but maybe that was just because it took me so long to figure it out, and not because the feelings weren’t there.

Baz caught me staring. I hoped I didn’t blush too much.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked. Another proof he could read me like a book, and I didn’t know if that brought us closer together or only made me more vulnerable.

I thought about dismissing his question, but it felt like there wouldn’t be another more appropriate moment to say it out loud.

‘I don’t want to fight you,’ I whispered while breathing out quietly. I felt a sting of my nails digging in my arms while I was gripping them in a protective gesture around my tense body, knees a little pulled up to my chest. My words hung between us like it was a confession nobody was supposed to hear but him. And he did. I saw it in his eyes. I saw how he processed it. I saw how his lips parted slightly as if he was about to accuse me of being a naïve idiot and I braced myself. But he didn’t. He just sighed, sounding more tired than minutes before.

‘Me neither, Snow. Me neither.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go Simon! :)  
> I love the idea of teaching students with different methods when the 'original' one doesn't work. So many of us feel stupid or quickly discouraged when everyone but you seems to understand the subject matter.  
> And Baz teaching Simon, patiently and effectively? ... hell yes :)


	15. 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter with one of our favourite characters ever!  
> ... But not really.  
> F * c k y o u D a v y
> 
> Warning: f slur/mentions of homophobia

**15**

**SIMON**

Penny and I were walking to the pitch for the football match of the week. Normally, Penny wasn’t willing to go with me. She said that I needed to stop following Baz around and definitely when he wasn’t able to do anything, like during a match. I said I was just dedicated to our team like a good supporter, but she said I was lying my balls off. And since I now found myself staring more at Baz and his thighs and small bun than the game, I knew she was probably right. Even when I didn’t know myself before.

But since the whole sharing magic and two more sessions with him in the library of which one was barely researching and more discussion between Penny and him of the history of hexes based on subjective feelings or something, she agreed on coming with me when I asked her out of habit if she was interested. I was surprised, but then again not. She really seemed to like going on with Baz and talking heatedly about things I couldn’t even pronounce.

He did too. Not that he would ever admit that, but I could see it in the relaxed gesture of his hands while explaining his point and the satisfying hum he made when she agreed with him from where she would go on to discuss another aspect. It was interesting to see him act like this. I don’t think he did this with Dev or Niall, and he definitely hadn’t with me. Probably because I wouldn’t understand half of what he was saying. I wouldn’t mind if he would talk to me like that though. I would just listen to his posh articulating voice while he was showing off his knowledge. Almost amused with myself that this was what I found attractive, I wished there was something we could talk about as pleasantly as he could with Penny. It almost made me jealous of her, but the relieved feeling of how good they came along was bigger. I was still not completely myself compared to other years, but I was getting there. Even better than other years, because now I had this thing with Baz and I didn’t need to worry about what he was plotting anymore. Gave me more time to relax.

And, if I was honest, he seemed more relaxed too.

Maybe we rub things off on each other because it has been quite a long time I had felt so good. I had slept good, better than in weeks, only the slight memory from a nightmare. I didn’t wake up from it, so it probably didn’t come to its full force, which gave me a long night rest I really needed. A gift I thankfully received. I almost couldn’t remember a day where I woke up with enough energy to muster up the courage for the day.

‘You seem happy,’ Penny stated. It wasn’t that hard to notice. I think it was my step that gave me away. I wasn’t dragging my feet or walking like I had no spine. I smiled back, almost apologetic since ‘being happy’ seemed to be a rare thing. But it was true. I felt good. I woke up with a breeze on my face from the open window and had faced a groggy Baz with a ‘good morning’ and a smile he received so extremely fazed I had to laugh. I had eaten a full breakfast without feeling sick and when I changed in the bathroom, I saw that the scratches were finally starting to heal now that I didn’t always opened them again.

‘I am,’ I said, receiving a soft gaze from Penny. ‘And I’m excited to see Watford destroy the enemy during a match of my favourite sport ever, fighting his way to victory and praise’ I exclaimed with a heroic voice.

‘Really? You want to see _the team_ play? So, against who is our team playing?’ Penny asked. I searched in my memory for the answer but found nothing. My silence said everything. Penny grinned. ‘Wow, Simon, you’re such a huge fan.’

‘Hey, that’s not an argument against my loyalt-‘

‘Simon!’ A voice called me from the other side of the lawn. We turned around and saw the Mage standing there in one of his big green cloaks. It was a windy day, so it wasn’t unreasonable he was dressed as heavy like that, but it made the effect bigger than necessary as it boiled up around him. I almost fell Penny rolling her eyes beside me. She wasn’t a fan of him but tried to stop herself from expressing that opinion to me as much as possible because she knew what he was for me. Like the only father figure I ever had. The man who found me and gave me a home.

 _But, Simon, he sends you away every summer, back to the nightmare homes you used to have_ , Penny had once carefully said when I had defended him maybe a little too passionate. She was right, of course, but it had hurt nonetheless. No matter how hard I wished as a child he would see me too as more than just Simon, I knew now that most of the times, I was just the Chosen One to him. It took me Penny’s gentle comments and Baz’s hurting insults in combination with his aloof attitude towards me to figure that out, but it was still hard sometimes. Now, though, I too felt irritation at the sight of him. The last time I saw him, we didn’t part in good ways and I guessed he wasn’t here to make it up to me, but to take me away for another mission. And I was really, really not excited for that now, as we had an amazing match to attend to with an even more amazing and breath-taking vampire player.

‘Yes, sir?’ I asked, nonetheless when he came closer. He laid a hand upon my shoulder as in an encouraging gesture, which only confirmed my suspicions for an upcoming mission.

‘I’m very sorry to interrupt your plans, but I need your urgent assistance today.’ He didn’t look at Penny, as though she wasn’t there and I didn’t have plans with her. Very sorry, my ass.

‘You have your wand with you?’ he asked. That shouldn’t be a question with Mages actually, but it once happened he had dragged me away to fight something and I couldn’t defend myself with magic because I had left my wand in my room. Not that that battle went much different than others, since I’m rubbish at spells and skilled with the sword that I still could summon. Anyway, the Mage had scolded me back then and made me promise to always keep it with me for moments like this. So I nodded.

‘Excellent. Then let’s get on our way,’ and he strode away, not doubting I would follow. It wasn’t like I had much choice, but I still felt like a soldier without a will when he acted like this. _A lost puppy_ , Baz’s voice snapped in my head. Merlin, he was right, I thought sadly. Penny was looking at me as she could guess my thoughts. _So, I guess you’re going?_ her eyes asked. I shrugged.

‘Okay. Then, see you later? Be careful,’ she said, stepping backwards to the pitch. I waved a little at her. ‘Yeah, enjoy the match.’

She chuckled. ‘This was not how you imagined your day, huh?’

‘Nope,’ I sighed, letting the p plop. Then we split up and I jogged towards the Mage.

‘Today, we’re going to visit a demonic dealer in the city,’ he said when I caught up. ‘But I need to go and grab some potions first I ordered in a shop. Then we shall have to wait until the evening because the dealer apparently uses some Normal night club as their basis.’

Grab some potions first? Wait until the evening? I started getting annoyed and had to make sure my voice was even as I asked him: ‘But why do I need to come with you as you will only need me tonight?’ I could’ve watched Baz playing, goddammit.

‘There’s not that much time for me to go to the city, grab the potions and then come back at Watford for you to go back to the city _again_. And thereby, I thought you would be interested in the potions and the shop and its keeper. Seeing some theory from your classes in daily life. I don’t think you’ve seen much from that,’ he said, not looking at me while unlocking his car.

 _No_ , I thought bitterly, _because we aren’t allowed to leave the campus for such long trips and you send me away in my free time_. But really, again, what could I say? I didn’t answer and he didn’t seem to need an answer, so the rest of the trip was clouded in the silence of determined ignorance of whatever the other one was thinking or feeling.

There was an excited buzz in the streets of London as we passed hundreds of Normals in party clothes. Guys were wearing ripped jeans and jackets while the girls had more naked skin than was allowed in any self-respecting circumstance. Definitely when it was as cold as this night. I didn’t have a jacket with me of course, so thank God my magic kept me warm, but still. The Mage could’ve warned me before we left that maybe I could use some more clothing than just this shirt.

I heard a giggle on my right and looked over at a girl who received a leather jacket from a bloke. He was standing behind her and draped it over her shoulders while kissing her in her neck. She was smiling and tugged it closer over her deep-cut neckline dress, tilting her head to the side to give him more access. His hands were around her waist and went so low I had to look away. My face must’ve been quite red. Not just because of their privacy - because everyone could see them here on the sidewalk - but because I felt a storm of envy boiling in my throat. Agatha and I were never this affectionate with each other, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to. I’ve always quite liked physical touching and I wanted to have that too. Blame it on the not-so-loving-childhood.

I dreamed of having someone who loved me back. It didn’t matter if it was a boy or a girl, just someone with who I shared a connection and private laughs and some prospects of a happy future. Someone who would look at me like I was something precious, worth of attention and caring for. Who wouldn’t be ashamed to be seen with me, gliding his arms around my body and snuggling me closer against his chest while waiting, or to warm one another, to show we were taken, or really just because we could.

Oh, who was I kidding. There was only one person who fulfilled that fantasy when I imagined that.

The Mage and I were really underdressed (or, well, overdressed) and I almost felt embarrassed for being seen with this full-grown man in a green middle age thick mantle who I was following between all these peers who were clearly having the time of their lives, not of to go on a demonic hunt. I thought we would attract a lot of attention but after a while, I guessed the Mage must’ve put a spell around us to not make them care. I felt almost guilty for the relieved feeling that came over me, but then I didn’t. After the most boring shop errand and a whole day wasted in a random parking lot where he made me practice spells I should’ve been able to manage years ago, I was ready to take down whatever I had to take down and leave this day behind.

‘Honestly, what’s wrong with teenagers these days,’ I heard the Mage mutter as I almost bumped into him when a couple started kissing in the middle of the pavement. And I must admit that they were very eager with their open affection. As in, I could see their tongues tangled when their lips weren’t connected to each other. On the other side, I don’t think the Mage has a girlfriend (or… boyfriend? Nah, he was definitely straight. Way too macho) so who was he to blame other people’s dates? I wouldn’t probably give a living fuck either when I would be with someone I loved as he decided to snog me in the middle of a mass. 

I keep saying ‘he’ automatically, it seems.

When we finally arrived at the club, I followed the Mage into a small alley where I almost bumped into another kissing couple. Kissing, groping, moaning,… you get the point. Honestly? They looked hot and completely of the world. I didn’t get aroused or something, I wasn’t a pervert, but I did let my eyes linger a little longer on their collided bodies than necessary.

‘Simon,’ the Mage snapped with narrowed eyes, holding open a door for ‘ _staff only’_. Guess I looked a little longer than ‘little longer’. I quickly stepped into the building and was in no time surrounded by complete darkness when he let the door fall closed.

‘ **A light at the end of the tunnel** ,’ I heard the Mage cast under his breath, revealing a storage closet with a lot of alcohol. ‘Come on, Simon. Open the door,’ he said, and only then I saw the entrance before me. There were stacks of boxes and giant plastic bags that blocked the way and I nearly groaned. This was my job, apparently. Making way for the king. If I was good with spells, this wouldn’t have been a problem, but I’ve been embarrassed enough for the next semester with today's practise and wasn’t planning on letting the boxes explode. I tried to clear the way as effective and fast and possible, but I’m clumsy as hell, so it took me longer than expected. I felt the Mage’s impatient growing. _Do it your fucking self_ , I wanted to spit. I didn’t. Every time I had to hold myself, I hated it a little bit more.

The door opened and a blast of music smacked us around the ears. We were somewhere in the back of the club where the staff has dropped its stuff where no party gangers are allowed, which gave us some time to orientate.

‘We’re on the opposite side of where we have to be. I guess there’s no other way than to cross the crowd and follow the length of the bar to get to the other side,’ the Mages says a little too close to my ear with all the noise. I suppressed a shiver of discomfort and a huff for his word choice at the same time. The other side. Demons. Yeah, good one.

His hand was on my back to lead me forward and I quickly started walking to outrun him, catching glimpses of a crowd. It was still quite early for the big mass of people, but they were still everywhere. Bumping into each other, dancing around each other, drinking and talking loud to hear one another over the music,… the lights were blinding and I had to pay attention to where I stepped. If the Mage did cast some **_There’s nothing to see here_** spell, we could scare the hell out of people by accidentally touching them.

Or, in my case, falling into them. Before I knew, a guy from the left jumps back, causing me to extend to my right and interrupt a guy mid-snogging session. I wanted to apologise right away but realised as I saw his dazed face that 1. He couldn’t really see me, and 2. He didn’t mind as much, seeing as he went back immediately to his partner. Another guy. They attacked each other’s mouth before my eyes, and now I really couldn’t look away.

They moved in sync, leaving each other breathless but not minding the lack of air as if the other could give it to them. I couldn’t hear them, but I almost felt how the vibrations of their sounds moved across their bodies as they let their hands wander across their chest, arms, back and into their hair, tugging them even closer than before. The guy I bumped into was pinning his date to the counter of the bar, leaning him back, causing their underbodies to touch which led to frantic uncontrolled grinding. The pinned bloke closed his eyes when the guy took the lead, burying his face in the crook of the guy’s neck.

This. This was arousing.

‘Ugh, please, Simon. Stop goggling at those faggots and concentrate on the mission.’ I almost jumped when the Mage is standing next to me, grabbing my arm and pushing me forward. I stumbled, mind blank.

Did I hear that right?

Was he really… no, please… That was so rude, so unnecessary, so… I didn’t dare to finish that thought. The Mage couldn’t really be…

The more I’m with him and hear of his plans, the less I like it, but my gut feeling has always wanted to see him as a guardian. Someone who came for me and saved me. Someone I wanted to make proud of me, leaving me depressed when I saw the disappointment in his eyes when I couldn’t reach up to his standards. But if he really…. I mean, I’m still not sure what I am, but I’m definitely not straight. At all. Those two guys, holy shit, that was so hot I nearly got hard myself. Probably would have when I wasn’t on a mission with the Mage carelessly throwing a homopho-…

I whimpered, half from the strength he used to lead me and half from the half-formed idea in my head. I know I should’ve finished it, but I couldn’t. Not now.

I put it away in a dark corner of my head, hoping it would not distract me from whatever was going to happen. I didn’t want to die tonight, so I should concentrate on keeping my mind as clear as possible.

That was not going to work with the Mages hand around my arm, so I tried to wring myself out his grip as subtle and fast as I could. Thankfully, he didn’t notice. Or cared.

We stopped in a mirrored side hall from the one we were in before, but now the Mage briskly walked to a door with a huge stop sign. He turned to me and asked: ‘Ready?’

I had no idea what we were going to face but I had staked my attempts to get information. He doesn’t give it anyway. I just summoned the sword and nodded, hoping I didn’t have to kill too many creatures. He whispered something and ticked with his wand against the handle, causing it to swing open like he had cast a **_Sesam Open_**. Immediately, he cast a protection shield, as always, so we could examine the situation we walked into. Not for long, because he wanted to save his energy. Most of the time, I didn’t know for what though, for I always needed to defeat whatever there was to be defeated.

I walked in the room right after him, looking straight into the eye of the most normal-looking man I had ever seen. Flat brown hair, a light stubble on his symmetric but worn face, a uniform of the club, sleeves rolled up and revealing pale thin arms. A fraction of a second, my mind is confused and lets his defences down. But when my eye caught the bag in his arms that was literally radiating way too powerful (probably illegal) magic, my nerves were on sharp again and I waited for a sign to see what was expected from me.

‘Are you going to show yourself in your true form voluntarily, or do I have to spell you?’ the Mage asked the man, voice cold and neutral, the same as I heard him talking to people in the Coven or the shopkeeper this afternoon. Like this was just another business errand instead of a probably powerful demon. The man didn’t try to pretend he was unaware of what we were talking about, just shrugged and said thoughtfully: ‘I’m not really sure if you mortals could handle my true form. But since you asked so nicely after storming in so invited,’ the sarcasm dripped almost visibly from his tongue, ‘I shall see what I can do.’ Before I could blink, there was a dark red creature with horns and fire blazing eyes gazing at us. His skin was blistered and shined with a layer of slimy liquid. He looked ready to attack, teeth that were made to rip out throat after throat and I knew this was just what he wanted to look like, and not how he was.

A shapeshifter.

‘If we can fix this without a fight, we will,’ the Mage said, giving the demon a trading proposal as if it really was a business meeting. ‘Give us the bag and you can go.’

The demon snorted. ‘And why would I do that? I’ve worked hard for this. Think of all the mortals that have suffered for this. Don't let it have been in vain,’ he begged with the most sardonic voice I’ve ever heard. Its tongue slipped out every few seconds, leaving a trail of opaque saliva dripping down his chin.

It was pretty disgusting, I thought, but not the most awful thing I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot of creatures in these last few years. The shapeshifter snapped his head to me and I felt a cold breeze blowing around my head, almost in my head, like I’ve breathed it in and it was clawing at my brains. It was too late before I knew what had happened.

 _Get out of my head_ , I thought for him and he answered with a grin that confirmed the mind-reading theory. ‘So you can invade my privacy, but I can’t do the same with you? How unfair. Did nobody raised you saying you should be polite to strangers?’ he asked me, voice dark and deep, making the room rumble.

A flash of white anger blinded me. My hand twitched around the handle of the swords, my magic filled the room with smoke. How dared he, speaking of manners to me after immediately going for the low blow as soon as he probably saw my whole life laid out before him. God, were all dark creatures like this? Not that I’ve spoken with much of them in a real conversation, but I do room with one…

‘Ah, yes. That one definitely has a talent for snipping remarks,’ he answered my thoughts. I didn’t want to, but a slice of fear sparked up in me. Baz. My Baz. My feelings for Baz, a bloke, that nobody knew about now completely exposed for a freaking demon for Merlin’s sake. Well, a lot had happened that day already, but this wasn’t what I expected to end the day with. By now, the Mage had realised the demon could read my mind and I felt the slight irritation in the look he gave me. He probably had shielded his mind completely off, but I had no idea how to do that. Not that it would have helped if he had warned me, but it seemed that he didn’t care enough either to try teaching me that particular thing in the whole afternoon, I thought bitterly.

‘No, he absolutely doesn’t. Care, that is.’ The shapeshifter was now inspecting his black nails with an almost bored attitude, but it was clear from his face that he enjoyed my misery way too much.

‘Simon!’ the Mage snapped, and I recognized not only the scolding but the warning for the beginning of my task as well. The instant thereafter, he dropped the shield he had already held up way longer, giving me free rein to attack.

Of course, that didn’t work. The demon had already read every action that was going to happen from my mind. I kept it as blank as possible when I lunged forward, sword stretched out before me to stake him fast, but I stumbled and came to an abrupt halt when he played his last and strongest card. He transformed the moment before I plunged into him, not even trying to dodge the attack as he was so confident it was going to work. And he was right.

I found myself staring into a pair of pleading grey eyes, framed by the most beautiful black waving strands of hair as if he had walked out of a goddamn magazine without doing anything for it. The person that I was supposed to kill one day, but that had changed his position in my dreams from nightmare villain to charming vampire prince. The only bloke that could make me smile by insulting me when we argued one of our regular - and rather domestic - fights and could have me pinned up against the wall, fangs bared and still making me ache to indulge his lips into mine with the softest kiss he had ever imagined.

That fucking shapeshifter knew that, even if it was an illusion, I could never ever kill Baz Pitch.

I swallowed, frozen in my movement. I heard the Mage calling out my name behind me, but that only brought back his earlier comment about the kissing guys. I closed my eyes to block out the illusion and the man behind me, gathering the magic from under my skin.

‘Just fight him, Simon! It doesn’t matter he looks like the Pitch boy, try to see it as practice for the real job,’ I heard him saying, upsetting me even further. I’m so bothered and embarrassed by this exposure of one of my deepest secrets and the Mage talking to me like the demon, who could read every insecurity that skipped in my head, wasn’t even there. I tried to control it, I tried to see the real situation, I was really really trying to focus on the job so I could go home to my real life and the true and only Baz, I tried to stop thinking but…

‘It doesn’t work, huh? It seems you shall need to think for once in your poor life, you fucking imbecile,’ his soft but smirking voice cutting through my mist, grabbing my attention since it sounded so so hard like him it hurts. Breathe, breathe,…

‘Oh, are you going to explode? Is it really that hard to just do what you have to do?’ he coated even softer, but with a hint of disgust and it’s too much, too much.

 _Let go_ , a memory whispered faintly, a nicer version of his voice. I do. But since he was not with me to guide my magic, I exploded and blacked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you ever fear the world and our society is collapsing, just keep in mind we have at least one thing in common.  
> We hate the Mage.


	16. 16

**BAZ**

I’m not in a good mood.

Not only did Simon not show up at the football game, which made me irritated and made me play worse than I wished, but I also didn’t know then it was the Mage who plucked him away, which made me madder than reasonable. But as the day went on and the evening passed, the night fell and Snow still wasn’t back, I became nervous.

Aleister Crowley. It’s not like Snow has never been away for more than a day, or even more than three days. It was just that I wasn’t very convinced in Snows current ability to handle every situation that tested his limits, leaving him to go off way too often. And the Mage wasn’t very helpful either. In fact, I think he even preferred his Chosen One going off to fight his battles so he didn’t need to do anything anymore.

The last time he came back, he almost exploded for the third time that day. Thank God it was literally ‘ _almost’_. That was, surprisingly, thanks to me after I had… what did I do? What did he do? Gave his magic? Lent it? Dropped his surpluses? But why could I of all people (or well, creatures) handle that, and not Bunce? She had pleaded with Snow to try it with her but had to snatch her hand back the moment he started, leaving nothing but a high feeling of pain behind. Not that I would trade it, not for the world. I had never felt a connection with anybody like that, and to have it with Snow was like a dream come true.

I’m weak. I would take everything he gave me.

It was late enough to go feeding. I was ravenous after skipping three whole days and not eating enough at dinner. Another side-effect of worrying against my will. I went down to the Catacombs, snapping at least seven rats their necks before refreshing the flowers on my mother’s grave. I didn’t know what to say to her, since my mind was full of Snow and how close we became in the last days, maybe even weeks. I knew I actually should be wary of what would happen after all this. Because this was something so beautiful, so precious, that could not last. Those were things that weren’t meant for someone like me, partly because I made sure of it by being so horrible to him since the very unfair beginning.

I still don’t know if I regret that. I do want to be friends with Snow and be part of his life and help him with his homework and lessons and know what made him have nightmares and how he felt and what he thought and just be there for him. But maybe it would’ve been even more painful to be so close to him and then fall in love. Would I’ve closed myself off when I realised I felt more for my friend and roommate? Would I start being mean, like I have been for the past years? Or would I’ve always been mean and sarcastic - because it’s actually part of my character, when we’re being honest here - but without the intention of hurting him?

He doesn’t seem to have a problem with my humour now. At least not when it isn’t directed to him, and even then he has laughed it away more frequently than ever. Oh, Merlin, his laugh. When there would not have been the complicated situation of our families, the War, the prophecy and my love, I would do anything to make him laugh like that as often as possible. Making him happy for the rest of his life, with me at his side, being the reason he laughed his thousand Watt-smile.

I groaned and banged my head more than once against the wall behind me.

Snow. Is. Straight. Crowley.

Being friends with him for years in another dimension, let alone some days in this life isn’t going to turn his sexuality. Thereby, I’m pretty sure I’m not Snows type at all. I’m no shiny perfect golden Agatha Wellbelove with a heart full of kindness and an angel aura. I am not his destiny, and I never would be. I could only accept what I could have, which was right now a truce and some tutor moments I could use as an excuse for a brush against his arm and a smile when he understood his theory. That was already more than I deserved.

I stood up, said goodbye and made my way up to the outside, hoping he would be back by now without any injuries or shimmering anger magic. Although, when I was allowed to be selfish, maybe I wouldn’t mind being the person to calm him down, perhaps touch him in the process and feeling his tired or desperate eyes on me like he was looking for the support I would grant him. I remembered the flow of his magic tearing me apart and making me more alive than I could ever imagine. How he felt relaxed after this burden had fallen off his shoulders, trusting me enough to fall in my arms and lead him upstairs, even if I was the reason he had almost exploded again. How he wanted to try it again in the room, taking my hands in his and just _giving_ me his power. Like we hadn’t been arch-nemesis forever.

How he had smiled at me. How he had said he didn’t want to fight me anymore.

Fuck, I was doing it again.

There was a rumbling in my stomach as I breathed in the air outside. Feeding the vampire in me wasn’t enough to satisfy my body and so I made my way up to the kitchen. The mashed potatoes with minced meat and carrots sounded now far more delicious than a couple of hours ago. I wondered if Snow eats on his mission. Now that I think about it, I’ve never seen him eat when he comes back late at night, so he must’ve gotten some food from the Mage, right? That imbecile isn’t able to cooperate without enough food in his body. Even when he clearly hasn’t eaten enough this semester, he’s still obsessed with all three meals and everything in between. Plus his mint aero-bars I like to steal sometimes.

I let myself visualise how he would react when he would come into our room and there would be a proper dinner waiting for him. No matter how much he has devoured before, he would never ever say no to another plate. There are some certainties in life.

It would be dumb to do it anyway, I scolded myself. The truce wasn’t meant to bring us closer, only to temporary stop us from fighting. Getting him dinner after a long day with the Mage after he would’ve in all probability risked his life again for that traitor was way too domestic and caring.

And I don’t care. At all. Never have, never will.

And thereby, I didn’t even know when he would come back. What was the point of bringing food and keeping it fresh and warm when there was a huge chance he wasn’t going to come back this night? Such a waste of magic. Let him go fetch some food by himself if he wants it, Crowley.

Maybe I could give him the key to the kitchen, so I wouldn’t even need to go with him. But maybe I better do since the disaster would make a mess from the kitchen in an instant, looking for his precious scones. I owe cook Pritchard that.

I screamed louder than I did in days in my own head. I. Was. Doing. It. Again! I groaned out loud and cursed my damn imagination when I stopped mid-step as I caught an aroma I recognised everywhere.

Fresh blood. Fresh human blood. Someone was bleeding in the forest, probably not far from the pitch. I hesitated if it would be a good idea to go there. I did feed, but I’m still a dangerous hidden vampire that had no idea about how everything works in my body. The chance the blood would drive me to do something I shouldn’t was too big, and it wasn’t my responsibility after all. I breathed through my mouth and turned my back to the direction of the smell, starting my way to the kitchen again. I halted again after a couple of steps.

I feared Snow's heroism might be contagious, as I would’ve never considered to go and help a stranger in the night. But the thought crossed my mind and if I didn’t know better, I knew I wasn’t going to sleep knowing someone could need my help.

Deciding I would punch Snow in the face for rubbing off on me to play the hero, I turned to the pitch and started walking rather slowly, leaving me the choice to stop this.

I didn’t stop. Not when I stood at the first trees, not when the blood smell became heavier, not when I was surprised in the back of my mind of how good my sense of smell was as I had noticed it from so far away - because this person was further away than I thought - and not when I halted to orientate and heard a small sob.

The first conclusion I jumped on was ‘ _That’s Simon’_. Which was just ridiculous. Everyone sounded the same when they cried, it’s just that I’ve heard him crying more than anyone else and thought automatically of him.

The second conclusion ignored this logical answer and just asked ‘ _What is he doing here?_ ’ which was a more valid question. Why would he be here, outside at night, bleeding and crying when he left with the Mag-

I started running. I didn’t care about the noises that would betray my presence, I was planning to help anyway, but if it was Simon… The sobs had stopped when I tried to run around a fallen tree, only seeing him right on time before missing him.

Two bloodshot eyes in a dirty face gawked at me, an arm dripping in blood hanging beside his pulled up knees. I covered my itching fangs that wanted to come out any second now and cried out: ‘What are you doing here?’ Only it came out more horrified and softer than intended. Less fierce with the lisp I had never learned to hide.

‘I… just… wasn’t… I needed… I couldn’t…’ he stammered, face red from the tears that had stopped making his way down his cheeks and the embarrassment of me finding him like this. I truly wanted to give him the time to explain, letting him search for words. Preferably in my arms, since that was the safest place he could be now.

But that was a lie. I wasn’t safe for him right now, not with the blood.

‘Simon, your arm… the blood,’ I warned, hoping I wouldn’t need to say it out loud. Thank Merlin his eyes widened in comprehension, but the idiot didn’t heal his arm. No, our Chosen One and saviour of all time wasn’t able to cast a healing spell on himself, so he shielded his arm from me under his legs, hand covering the wound as if that would stop the problem. I rolled my eyes so hard it almost hurt and gestured with my wand in his direction. It took him some time to understand my unasked question, but eventually, he stretched out his arm nervously as to give me permission. I mumbled **I'll be needing stitches** from under my breath, a spell from some Normal song I had learned after Mordelia had fallen from her rollerblades and had scraped her knee. I didn’t saw a difference with all the blood, but Snows face scrunched up a little. I guess his skin was stinging a little as Mordy had described it like that when I feared I had hurt her. But stopping the wound was only part of the solution, so two **Clean as a whistle** ’s and a **Smells good, mom** later, I finally lowered my hand. Snow wasn’t looking at me, eyes fixed on his arm where the wound had healed. There was only a thin white line left that would disappear in a short time.

‘So. Once again. What are you doing outside at night alone in the woods after a mission with the Mage, dripping in blood and tears?’ He didn’t look at straight at me, more like there was something behind me, but his gaze was too clouded. Lost in his own head.

Before my mind was rationalizing, I dropped down on the ground before him. That made his head snap up. He looked a little shocked and I fought the urge to just stand up and walk away because I was not going to leave him like this. We were on a truce, we were cast together by the Crucible, I promised myself and indirectly Bunce to look after him and… well, how could I leave him?

‘Snow? What happened?’

‘Nothing.’ It came out soft. The word was in shrill contrast with the view before me.

‘Seriously?’ I tried not to raise my eyebrow, but I’m sure I failed.

‘Well, no, I mean, the Mage and I went to a club to fight a demon… or well, shapeshifter, and I fought him. The demon, not the Mage, but I went off and it was over so quickly and before I knew I was back and I was just tired but I needed air but I wanted to be alone so I figured the woods would be good but I wasn’t looking and I tripped and that was like the last straw and I freaked out for some reason and cried and I was going to come back but it was already late so I thought it wouldn’t matter if I would stay away for a little longer but then you came and I’m sorry, I’m sorry Baz I never wanted this but I’m just so tired-‘. He was rambling like I hadn’t seen in a long time and with every sentence, I felt the worry grow. He looked like a frightened dear, caught in the headlights of a car that was going to crush him and if I could, I would jump right in front of it. The more he talked, the more he started scratching at his arm again. A movement that I recognized since the start of the semester. I frowned.

There was something more going on. I already knew that, since he hasn’t been the same since the summer, but it was only now I got another clue. I watched him.

‘Why should you be sorry?’ I asked, not unkind. He didn’t answer. His fingers were now fidgeting with a shirt that I hadn’t seen before that lay on the ground. It was brown from the dirt on the ground, but there were no bloodstains. ‘Simon,’ I tried to grab his attention by saying his name, rare as it is. He did look up but still didn’t say anything. We stared at one another, his magic glitching a little around us from time to time and I investigated his eyes and face for hints.

What was going on? What on earth could’ve happened that brought him down this hard, losing all his confidence and deciding that crying in the woods at night with an injured arm would be better than actually calling Bunce for help? Or our room, to me? He was watching me, and there was something in his eyes I didn’t recognize but gave me the chills. In a rather good way. I ignored it. This was not the time for some gay feelings for a straight broken boy.

‘Come on, Snow. Let’s go inside. You need to rest,’ I said, shifting my weight to stand up, and in a fraction of a second, panic took over his face and he said: ‘No no no, please, Baz, not yet.’ He grabbed my wrist in such an uncontrolled way that he used way too much force and I needed to catch myself with my other hand to prevent myself from falling onto him. I was a bit shocked at this reaction for going inside, but every thought drowned when I heard his breath hitch, so close to mine. His eyes widened, leaving nothing else in my vision that his blue red-rimmed eyes before his face scrunched together. With a sob, he lurched forward and buried his face in my neck, grasping my shirt tightly in his fists.

He was crying, but at the same time trying to make as little sound as possible. And that broke me. That he was feeling safe enough to cry in my arms, but still feeling not comfortable enough to really let go. My dead-heart was pounding as hard as it could and a rational thought yelled that I needed to control my breathing. If not for me, then for him. So, I carefully draped my arms around him, hoping I wouldn’t startle him, and to my surprise, he only folded himself smaller to fit right into me.

And he did, fit right into me. And I knew he felt miserable, so miserable he even trusted me to see him cry like this, but my body and feelings couldn’t help but feel like _this_ was where he belonged. That this was the reason I hadn’t set myself on fire yet, because even when he was bawling his eyes out, Simon Snow was so full of life I wasn’t sure I could take it. But I would. Anytime, everything for him. And if Simon wanted me for comfort, outside at night, you would have to shot me to refuse him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm... so sorry, again, but I SWEAR he's going to be fine <3


	17. 17

**SIMON**

Tonight was the second night Baz had to help me get inside, but I was slightly more alive than last time. I wasn’t drained from magic, but from emotions and tears, leaving me to use Baz’s strength as a tool to keep myself up. I wasn’t _using_ him, not like that. I really was tired. But I couldn’t help but enjoy the large amount of contact our bodies made and how not-disgusted and casual he was about it. That was distraction enough to make me finally calm down after I-don’t-know-how-long we sat there. I wasn’t bothered by the cold, but I felt Baz beginning to shiver slightly after a while. I may have tried to let my damned outburst stop so we could get inside, keeping him from freezing to death, which I regretted the same moment we let go of each other to stand up. But it was already so dark I didn’t see where I walked and when I stumbled over something I hadn’t seen, he grabbed me back upright and didn’t let me go again. 

Maybe Baz was still freezing, but it felt as if my body was on fire.

Back in our room, he lowered me on my bed, even though I probably could’ve handled myself once we were inside the tower where there was light. You didn’t hear me complaining.

‘Do you want to take a shower tonight?’ Baz asks me, standing between our beds with his arms beside his body, looking slightly down on me. It didn’t even look awkward. That gorgeous git could take on every posture and make it perfect for a model magazine.

‘Uhm, yeah. Maybe. I mean, it was a long day…’ I say. Baz nods and then turns his head away. For a moment, there’s a silence in the room and it’s like every tear I shred is hanging between us. Now that we’re inside and out of the masking dark, the whole situation gets incredibly embarrassing the more I replay it in my head. I feel my face getting red and I quickly stand up. The action gets me closer to Baz again, making me more flustered.

‘So, yeah… okay, see ya,’ I stammer out as I quickly gather my pyjama’s and make a run for the bathroom. The moment the door closes behind me, I groan and grab my face and hair in a frustrated tight grip. _See ya_?! Merlin, Crowley, Simon, seriously? The guy - who happens to be your crush - comforts you and lets you soak his shirt in the cold, then gets you inside making sure you don’t trip and you brush him off with a ‘ _see ya’_ in your own room? I need to get myself under control. The way we act around each other is way too precious to break. I mean, what he did today and how he acted the last weeks was such a relief and so amazing compared to our usual rivalry. Which, I know, has always been partly my fault, but there’s no point in negotiating that he started it.

But what must he think right now about me? Disappearing with the Mage, coming back while bleeding and crying alone in the woods, kind off needing his help to get back and then my weird behaviour. I mean, thank Merlin he didn’t know why I was crying. I don’t really think Baz is homophobic, but neither would he appreciate the way I think about him. I wasn’t ready to destroy our truce like that, and I don’t think I could handle going back to how we were before. Not now. Maybe not ever.

My head kept replaying everything that happened and every fear that could happen, not leaving the Mage his comments on those kissing blokes out. The water did help to relax my aching muscles a little, but I still didn’t feel completely myself when I got out. I was rubbing my hair dry with the first towel I saw and found myself staring at my reflection in the mirror. I lowered my arms.

It had been almost two months since I got back to Watford. Two months since I had to gain weight like every year and two months since I entered the room in nothing more than my pants while Baz was there. Today had been just as embarrassing as then when it comes to how I appeared to him, so that hadn’t changed. But I did gain weight, even if it took me longer than other years.

Another thing that had changed, more specifically today, was the wound on my arm. The wound that had only started as a little scratch the day that guy had pinned me down but had grown every time I picked it open when I got stressed. And today, the guy that I would prefer to pin me down had healed that physical memory without realizing what he did.

The sick thing was: I wasn’t even sure if I was glad that it was gone. I cringed at the thought, but I couldn’t formulate it differently. It was just that… now it was all in my head. And I’ve never been someone who handled things well that got stuck in my mind because that meant that I needed to think stuff through. I rather acted, as everybody knows.

I sighed, straightened my body and almost grimaced by how ridiculous I looked. Pulling my pyjama’s on, I opened the door and was greeted by the sight of an already tucked in Baz. His black hair was splayed out on his white pillow, but there was only a small part of his head that peeked out from above his covers. His eyes searched mine, but he didn’t say anything.

I flicked off the lights and got into bed, turning my body so I was facing him. Normally, I couldn’t see him in the dark, but now I could make out his features rather quickly thanks to the small amount of moonlight that seeped inside. It was then that I saw he had left the window open.

‘You’re not too cold?’ I asked him. I didn’t saw him detailed enough, but I could imagine lively how he would raise his eyebrow. ‘Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth, Snow.’

I grinned and felt myself slightly relax in the following silence. The sleep was sneaking into our room and I heard his breathing slowing down as my eyes fell closed. It all felt so familiar. As if this was how it was meant to be and I got used to it without experiencing. Thanks to Baz and how he acted and for some reason helped me more than he would ever know without asking through for the private reasons.

And I hadn’t even thanked him properly.

‘Baz?’ I asked in a soft whisper-like voice, almost asleep. He didn’t answer, but I knew he was awake, so I opened my mouth. ‘Thanks. For today. Really. You didn’t have to do that, but you did more. I… appreciate that. Enormously,’ I concluded. I wasn’t good with words, and absolutely never when I had to transform feelings into words, so I’m sure that came out poorly. But I said it anyway because he needed to know.

He kept silent and I already accepted he wasn’t going to answer, so I was surprised when he murmured after a while: ‘Don’t mention it.’ A small smile crept on my face and stayed there when I drifted off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly shorter chapter, but the night hasn't even started yet...


	18. 18

**BAZ**

I’m pretty sure I had only slept for a couple of hours when I was woken up by Snows muffled screams across the room. I was awake in an instant, pure on instinct. Snow lay cramped in his bed, hands gripping his covers like they were the only thing that could save him from the haunting things that taunted him in his dreams. Every couple of seconds, a noise escaped his throat, his breathing ragged and uneven.

I wasn’t sure if I needed to wake him up, but the decision was made for me when he opened his eyes mid-scream, so abrupt I blinked surprised. I scanned his face that had stilled, searching for a reason for concern, but he was focusing so hard on keeping his breathing under control that there was no place for something else. He silently groaned to himself while turning onto his back, leaving his blanket that was already balancing on the side of his bed due to his tossing to slide off.

My undead heart speeded up at the sight. His chest was bare, probably for the first time since he had walked into our room almost naked at the beginning of the year. I swallowed at the memory and the confusing thoughts of ‘ _why now’_?

He lifted up his hands to his face (which, Aleister _Crowley_ , stretched up his whole body like a magical spectacle), rubbing at his eyes. I heard a little sniff. And then again. After a minute, his whole body shuddered with a cry he tried to hold inside.

At that moment, I wasn’t sure if my heart had been dead all that time because if this wasn’t the feeling of a breaking heart, I was certain I would never want to go through that. Snow was completely turned around now and he had pressed his face into his pillow. It was only thanks to my vampire hearing that I heard the rapid breaths he had to take between his tears and my super sight that I saw the shocks that went through him every time he did. It was a sound I had only ever heard by my own doing. The times everything was too much and I had to hide myself in my room at home or the bathroom here to let out the emotions I bottled up… it felt like the same thing Snow was now going through. And I didn’t know if he wanted help. He probably tried to be quiet for me, which meant he didn’t want me to know about his breakdown. Then again, he had hidden himself in the woods for the same reason and he absolutely needed someone back there too.

A couple of minutes later, the situation hadn’t changed. In fact, his sobs had gotten louder, but I don’t think he realized it. My blankets crackled when I turned myself completely on my side, letting him know I was awake. Immediately, he tried to hold back every sound, but since that doesn’t work in the middle of an outburst, they escaped rather soon than later.

‘Snow?’ I started, not really knowing what I was about to ask since ‘ _are you okay?’_ was off the table.

It took him some seconds, but he breathed in shakily and said as steady as possible: ‘Sorry for waking you up, but it’s okay. Just… just a dream.’

I almost sighed heavily. Could he ever stop being the hero who wanted to please everyone? How could he say he was okay? After I had seen him crumpled and tear-streamed not even five hours ago?

‘Stop apologizing and lying, Snow. You’re not okay.’ Maybe it was too harsh. I hoped the whisper level of my voice tempered some of the impacts. He didn’t flinch, as he sometimes did when I was cruel, so that was good I guess. He did keep working on his breathing. I sighed for real now.

‘Can I get you some water?’ I asked, wanting to do to something, getting his mind of what was keeping him on the edge. He didn’t answer and I started frowning. I almost asked him again when he eventually croaked out a: ‘Yeah’, and I got up to fetch a glass. When I got back, he was sitting upright in a crossed-leg position, his eyes red and his gaze so helpless I needed to gather my breath. My body wanted to sit before him, besides him, behind him, closing him off from the world and just keeping him safe and sound and calm. It hurt, so so much, seeing one of the only persons you care about falling apart and not being the one to help them gather the pieces to build themselves up. No matter how broken I was myself sometimes, no matter how my life would look like without Simon Snow, no matter with who he would end up with, living his fairy-tale life after he had killed me, I would do it all if it meant he would get up again and conquer the world with his clumsy braveness and pure shiny golden heart as he always did. As he was supposed to do. As he normally did by himself before whatever happened that made him like this. Did it happen over the summer? Was he with the Mage the whole time? Was today the last straw, when he was on that mission? Or was this going on for even longer?

Would I have noticed it if I had looked out better for him?

Would it have even mattered?

I handed him the glass and he downed it a couple of seconds. ‘Need a refill?’ I asked and he shook his head. He put it on his nightstand, next to the book Bunce had left there. The book about sword fighting with the source list on the last pages. I don’t think he had looked at it once, but I did now. A quite reckless idea formed in my head.

Snow's breath still hitched sometimes from his jagged breathing, sniffing while trying to clear his nose from the snot. I leaned forward to my own nightstand, grabbing a handkerchief I had there permanently stocked as a habit from at home. He even snorted involuntarily when I handed it to him, easing some of the heavy tension in the room. He murmured a thanks and tried to blow his nose as quiet as possible. Since that’s not possible, it broke the silence completely, leaving me to snort ungallantly. He looked up, surprised at the sound I had made, which made me produce even a laugh. He clearly had no idea what was going on, but I didn’t care. He was no longer crying or looking broken and that was all that mattered. For some reason, I had fixed it to find a way to help him again and I couldn’t help but feel a little proud at that.

‘So… are you better now?’ I asked him after a while of standing there and watching him fidgeting with the piece of fabric. He didn’t look up, but nodded, half as an answer and half to himself. I wanted to ask him what had made him so upset. Not just why he woke up, but also in the forest and all these last weeks, but I didn’t. I still wasn’t sure if we were there yet with this truce thing. Was this still a truce? Where we already developing something more real here? Friendship? I sincerely hoped so with every nerve that tensed up when his blue big tired eyes glanced towards mine.

‘Want to grab some sleep? You still have the whole night,’ I asked gently. He hesitated, but then shook his head. ‘ ’M not ready yet,’ he murmured quietly. Which I understood. Most of the times, when I had a nightmare, I didn’t sleep again for at least two hours. It seriously fucked up my night schedule when I already went late to bed, but what was I supposed to do? Take pills? Not very healthy either.

Sometimes pills did sound very attractive, though.

‘Okay. Well. Are you okay with the water?’ indirectly asking if he needed me, but he probably didn’t catch that meaning. He shook his head again.

‘Tell me if there’s something, then.’ It wasn’t really a question, but I still hoped for an answer. I kept surprising myself in how soft I let myself be around Snow these days. What a huge contrast was compared to even the beginning of this year, but mostly all the other years and memories where we were both involved. This felt more real than anything we ever had. Our rivalry was real too, but it always had this edge. As if we were doing what was expected from two people who needed to kill each other during a political war. Other things just weren’t… accepted. How could you live with murdering your roommate? Crucible-brother? Maybe best friend?

Just don’t be friends. Which was exactly what we had always kept in mind - what I had always kept in mind - and totally the opposite of what was happening right now. I don’t know how he had experienced all that, but he did try to befriend with me in the very beginning, so he was a lot braver than me from the start. And I wouldn’t blame him if the hatred after that was real. After all, I have been so mean it would be unnatural if he didn’t hate me at least fifty per cent. It’s not that I never hated him. I really really did. With everything I had in me. But then, I don’t know, after a while, when I let myself be honest, I questioned if the hatred towards him wasn’t actually hatred towards me of how I let myself feel when he was there. Resulting in me blowing my anger up in frustration with him as my victim.

I held back a sigh and turned to my bed. I was shivering from the cold and hoped my bed would still be warm, or at least as warm as possible with my low body heat, but stopped when Snow opened his mouth and said my name. It came out crooked and broken, but mostly extremely uncertain. I looked at him, reading a troubled expression in his awkward tensed figure. He was struggling with his words and I gave him time to form an answer, speaking sternly to myself that I shouldn’t hope so much when he looked the same way I felt, but then on the inside. Not just nervous, but… afraid to ask too much. To be rejected.

He whimpered frustrated when he couldn’t form the right sentence, clutching so hard at his curls that I could clearly imagine how he was going to pull them out.

I wish I could hold them. His hands, that is. _Oh, who am I kidding. Both his hands and curls._ That he would relax under my touch and keep himself enough together to ask for what he wanted.

He dropped his right hand on his bed beside him with a loud thump, looking up at me with an exaggerated but questioning look in his eyes. I had no idea what he was trying to ask, so I just stood there, waiting for the rest of his request. His face scrunched together slightly when he saw I didn’t understand and he lifted his hand again, this time to pat on the bed multiple times.

I held my breath, trying to keep my face as neutral as possible but wanting to jump with joy and run away screaming at the same time.

‘Needing company?’ I asked to be certain, voice soft because _how could it not be?_ He dropped his eyes and I saw a slight blush appear on his cheeks that I wanted to feel under my lips, but he nodded, what gave my own body permission to produce a blush. Thank Crowley, it was too dark for him to see that.

I slowly made my way to his side in case he would change his mind, but he didn’t and I sat down beside him with my legs stretched out before me, grabbing his blanket to cover most of my body. Snow didn’t meet my gaze, seeming rather occupied with my limbs who were too long and dangled over the bedside. I couldn’t suppress a grin but made it disappear quickly so he wouldn’t think I was laughing at him.

And so we sat there. In a deafening silence. Not very comfortable, not extremely awkward either. I was watching my breathing to keep it steady and after some minutes, we were breathing on the same tempo. For some reason, that made me relax fully and for the first time, I let myself enjoy being in Simon Snow's presence with the silent night and a feeling of mutual comradery in the air between us.

‘Baz?’ Snow scraped his throat and I watched him with half-closed eyes, leaning my head against the wall behind me. ‘I… I already said something similar, but I really, really meant it… and you did it again, so you deserve another… umm… just… thank you. Like, seriously, you’ve helped me out so many times already and I didn’t come to your match and then you were right there and just took care for me, again, and you just do that and you don’t ask questions-‘ he was rambling instead of forming normal explanations in his head that took too long, but I felt warm at his praise and expression of gratefulness. I didn’t want to interrupt him, feeling that could come over unnecessarily harsh now that he was still uncertain, unstable. So I picked up my courage and laid my hand upon his lower arm that had earlier indicated to sit down. He snapped up his head and I was overwhelmed by his gaze and the warmth he radiated, but I kept it there and told him friendly: ‘It’s okay. Don’t mention it.’

‘Yes. No, Baz, I will mention it,’ he said, a little frown forming in his forehead that I wanted to smooth out, although he looked unbearably cute. ‘You’ve said that already three or four times, and it’s not… I want to mention it. I don’t want to forget it, because this… just, you’re… you’re so amazing and…’ his voice trailed away. I felt dumbstruck and blessed at the same time. His eyes were now wide open, a little shocked at what he had said, but then the nightmare stuck out his chin and gulped visibly - which I followed mesmerized - before continuing: ‘… and you need to know that. Baz… I think you’re amazing…’

I had no idea what I had done in my poor undead life to deserve him or the feeling he gave me. Nobody had ever said to me something that even hinted the same meaning as what he just said, and I felt myself falling in love all over again in only a single heartbeat. The emotions were so heavy and hard I wasn’t sure I could handle them and I wished I could feel the endless feeling of Simons magic again if only to have the possibility of storing every small detail of perfection so I could come back to it every time I wanted. I’m pretty sure my face wasn’t composed as the way it was supposed to be, judging by the small twitch of his mouth, and I didn’t look away from those soft chapped pale-rose lips as I spoke in a hushed voice. ‘You’re not so bad yourself, Simon.’

Now his eyes rounded at the use of his first name and his face heated up so quickly I almost chuckled. I glanced up and saw him gazing at my lips, my eyes, chest and my lips again and he was so so close…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... will it happen?


	19. 19

**SIMON**

Baz wasn’t just amazing. He was the bloody definition of a snarky perfect bastard.

The way he had looked after I had called him ‘ _amazing’_ … Besides how horrible that sounded once it came out of my mouth, he was so surprised and vulnerable and open, I swear I had never seen something so priceless in my life. He clearly didn’t want to, but it was as if all his walls were down and there was nothing else but him and me and our words and history. I wished I could make him look like that all the time. I was extremely in love with that version of him.

Not that I was not with the other side, the smirking posh side, but we all have our preferences.

We were sitting incredibly close to one another and I didn’t fail to notice how we didn’t separate an inch. At all. In fact, it looked like we pulled on each other like a slow-motion gravity, like we were back in our star lighted galaxy and we needed each other to prevent floating away.

The last time he had sat on my bed, that had happened.

The last time we were this close, I had realized he was more to me than just Baz.

There were only inches between us, but they were filled with a thousand thoughts that were left unsaid, and I didn’t have the courage to dive into the list of admissions I wanted to make. Not yet. Maybe there would be one day that felt fitting to throw a bucket of feelings over his head, feelings were I was once sure off he would just laugh at before using them against me. But there was this little thing blossoming open in my chest, clawing it’s way outside with no other description than hope, as I saw how he looked at me and how his eyes sometimes seemingly without knowing would glide towards my lips, parting as I licked them slightly in response. My chest was roaring and the desire I felt was so immense that I knew I needed to lean back right now this moment or I would do something I was going to regret.

Like plunging forwards and capturing those pale lips in my mouth, tugging at them while pressing his whole body against that wall using my own chest. My fingers busy in his hair, with his cheeks, trailing his jaw so he would gasp and I had free access to that sharp tongue of him that would cut me open from inside to free the rose of hope in my soaring belly. He would be all action, tugging at me and my chest and back and shirt and oh Crowley how we would spend the night to do things that would leave us both blushing by daylight.

I leaned back. The spell was broken.

Baz blinked, twice, back in the moment in an instant and he looked away. It felt like I could breathe again now that I was no longer captured, but at the same time, I felt dread growing now that I was left on my own. The galaxy was gone, but the feelings only grew.

My throat felt dry again, and I reached for the glass that I had put down earlier. My movement gave the time permission to start again. I heard an animal howling outside and I thought: ‘ _Yeah, I feel you, buddy_.’

Baz followed my hand, but then kept looking at my nightstand. I searched for what had caught his attention and saw the book Penny had left for me the day I had fallen asleep watching Pokémon. He tried to say something, but his voice cracked so he had to clear his throat, which he clearly found embarrassing. I could only grin because it was cute.

‘Have you already started that book?’ he asked, his head nudging towards it. Honestly, I had completely forgotten about it. I wasn’t lying when I said books hold absolutely no spark of intention for me and even when Penny managed to find one about something I do like, it’s just not the way to tell me something.

‘No,’ I shook my head. ‘Penny keeps trying, but there’s no point. As we all know, my concentration span is minimal when it comes to passive things like reading. It’s hard enough to read schoolbooks, I’m not gonna do it in my free time.’ It was an opinion I knew Baz and Penny did not agree with, but whatever. He asked for it, and I was pretty sure I wasn’t declaring things he didn’t already know.

‘So, you’ve never read a book for fun? Not even as a child? A thin fiction book to pass time?’ he asked. His hands were folded formally as if it was an interview and I rolled my eyes. ‘No. Never. And the care homes in my childhood didn’t really have a lot of books anyway. I think they were too afraid we would rip them apart or use them to throw at each other.’

‘That’s one way of using it,’ he mused. ‘I don’t think I ever did that to you. Thank Crowley, you never did that to me. Using books as a weapon would be an official declaration of war.’

‘You sound like Penny,’ I told him, trying not to grin.

‘Never thought I would hear that phrase in my life,’ he said deadpan and I couldn’t help but chuckle.

‘So you never read fairytales either? Or have them read to you?’ he asked, frowning slightly but still avoiding eye contact. I remembered how I had asked him if he liked fairytales while he had helped me with my school work. I wondered why he brought this up.

‘No. All the spells with a literature background that weren’t discussed because it seems to be common knowledge were explained to me by Penny. And Agatha had sometimes lent me children books during Christmas to catch up, but, as you can guess, I never read them. It saves so much more time when someone can just explain the story in a minute instead of me plundering through all those pages. I know you don’t understand that, but I swear sometimes such a mass of letters and words frustrate the hell out of me. It just… it doesn’t make sense in my head.’

He was still and I recoiled my words to see if I said too much. It was extremely personal. I don’t think Penny even knew this in so many words. She knew it wasn’t for me, and since she’s basically the only one (besides Baz) who reads for fun, she just accepts it as a fact of ‘ _everybody is different, and Simon doesn’t like reading’_.

I would’ve never thought of saying this out loud to Baz before, as it was a perfect opportunity to mock me for the rest of my life. But we were past that, and he wasn’t laughing now. In fact, he had his plotting face on, but it felt less threatening.

‘You know how I had asked you to read the subject material out loud before?’ he started. I nodded and he continued. ‘Have you ever tried that with other books? I mean, obviously not,’ he quickly interrupted as I opened my mouth, ‘since you hadn’t tried it for school and you avoid books at all cost.’ He managed to sneer that without sounding mean. It was impressive. ‘But maybe that is a way of how it could work. Forcing yourself to see every sentence since you have to read it out loud to go to the next one.’

I pondered on his words as I thought of something Agatha had once mentioned. Apparently, Normals sometimes recorded books for blind people, since not every book exists in an expensive braille version. They saw that those audiobooks, as they call it, were bought by more people than their original target audience and so it became a thing that had grown a lot over the last years.

‘So, you mean, like, instead of having someone to read a story for you, reading it out for yourself?’ I concluded. He thought about my definition and then nodded. I grinned. ‘Could work, but I would still have to spend my free time on books, which isn’t appealing to me at all.’

‘You sure about that? Because that was a fancy word you used there, Snow. Surely you didn’t learn that all by yourself,’ he smirked with his eyebrow high up. I huffed and punched him lightly on his arm as a response, which made him only smirk harder. ‘Very eloquent,’ he said and I laughed a little out loud. I wondered if I imagined how his face softened at that, but it was gone before I could double-check. He was chewing lightly on the inside of his cheek.

‘And what if you have it read out loud for you?’ he finally said. I didn’t answer, hoping he would elaborate. ‘You would still need to spend your ‘free time’, but it would be like listening to a movie, except without a screen.’

‘You’re saying I should go look for an audiobook version?’ I guessed, not getting excited by the idea, but also not sure what he was saying. I saw his hands clenching together harder.

‘Could work. But I was saying that maybe there are people in your life who would do that for you.’ He was now finally looking at me, expectant as if he wanted me to react in a specific way.

‘Who would do that? Agatha? No offence to her, but she has absolutely no patience and isn’t interested in books either. Penny? She already has enough work to do and wants me to read myself. Says it’s good for me and all. Who’s left? The Mage?’ I scoffed, the idea of the Mage spending quality time with me leaving a bitter trail in my mood. Baz had now both eyebrows raised and looked at me like I was the dumbest person alive.

‘Crowley, you’re thick,’ he breathed heavily and slightly annoyed before holding out his hand. ‘Give me that book.’

I frowned, confused about what he was about to do and how whatever was between us had shifted to something else. I handed it over and saw him readjusting his posture, sliding his hair back behind his ears (I wanted to do that) and opening the book on the first page. It wasn’t until he actually started reading that I finally understood where all of this was leading to. Christ, I really was thick.

‘Baz, hold up… what… what are you doing?’ I interrupted him after not even two sentences. He looked up. ‘Well, as you can see, I’m not writing to my sister this time. Or calling her, as you suggested was less middle-aged.’ In the back of my mind, I was surprised he still remembered that conversation. ‘I know the lighting here isn’t that good, but sure you can see that?’ he retorted sarcastically. I rolled my eyes. ‘Yes, I can see that, you git. But why would you read for me? At this hour? From a book you’re not even interested in? Or just, you know, in general?’

‘I can decide for myself what picks my interest, thank you very much. For the other questions, you said yourself you weren’t going to sleep anytime soon. And maybe I pity you for the fact nobody ever read you a relaxing bedtime story before. Even I had someone who did that for me.’ His face was impossibly neutral, even slightly cold, which was weird considering what he was about to do, but I didn’t dare to point anything out. Because it warmed my heart and lighted my head. Because Baz was truly an amazing perfect person who was helping me again - completely unasked, even unnecessary this time.

Because I didn’t want him to stop.

‘Just so you know, I don’t need your pity, thank you very much,’ I said, using his posh accent for those last words. His grey eyes stormed and his knuckles were slightly white from how hard he was clenching the cover. ‘But,’ I continued, ‘I do… appreciate it.’ I searched for my words as he relaxed a little. ‘Indeed, nobody has ever done that… for me, and… well, you can’t blame for being at least a little surprised for you being the first one,’ I laughed lightly and he snorted in response.

There was a short silence in which I felt like I was looking at us from outside my body. A broken boy and a soft vampire who were once supposed to be archenemies, sitting close to each other in the dark, bonding in the most unexpected way. No way, that whatever happened after tonight, would set us back to how we were before. This night was a night of change, and I could not let it go to waste. I took a breath.

‘Isn’t it too dark here to read?’ I asked softly, meaning he could go on, but saying he should be comfortable if we were about to do this. He grinned haughtily and flicked his wrist, producing a small flame in his palm.

‘Baz, for fuck’s sake, put that out! You’re flammable,’ I gasped out, afraid by the vision in my head of him going up in a huge dramatic fire. Leave it to him to make a terrifying impressive exit out of this world by his own strength.

‘So are you, Snow. So is everyone. So is this book,’ he said without a care in the world.

‘Penny would kill you if you set it on fire,’ I said distractedly.

‘I’ll make sure that if I catch fire, I’ll drop the book so it’s safe.’

I watched him, mouth open. I wanted to say him I didn’t want him to go up in flames. I would miss him so much I wouldn’t be able to get up in the morning. I would mourn my whole life and probably never move on, seeing his face and his hair everywhere, being haunted by his snarky remarks and witty reports. My life would be empty without his presence. I wouldn’t want to live in a life without him.

‘Please don’t catch fire,’ I managed to whisper. His eyes stared into mine, so deep I was afraid he could read anything I had ever thought about him.

‘I won’t,’ he said softly, slowly going back to the book. Then, he started reading again.

I never wanted this night to end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I'm just sssoooooo in love with the idea of someone reading out loud for you I just HAD to put in in :D


	20. 20

**PENNY**

Simon doesn’t look like he has slept much at all, but he’s not as down or absent as I would expect. His eyes are accompanied by dark bags that worry me a lot, but he looks more lively than a lot of other days. Maybe going out with the Mage and fighting (and winning?) has perked his energy up? I had hoped to see him coming back yesterday, but I had gone to bed without knowing how things were going. My relief when I saw him entering the Dining Hall this morning was big.

I am always relieved when he comes back unharmed, but more so these days. I’m not so confident in his ability to stand up easily after getting knocked down.

‘I assume things went well yesterday with the Mage?’ I asked after he had eaten his first scone - which he still didn’t eat as fast as he used to. He tensed noticeably, stopping mid-chewing.

‘Why do you think that?’ he asked, brows furrowed and voice a little off, which surprised me. Simon has never been good at outing emotions when they hit him hard, but after years of being his best friend, I started to notice the signals. He’s not good at hiding them either, but you can sense a difference between a simple problem (mostly Baz, or Agatha when they were dating) or things that went deeper, like the Humdrum.

If yesterday’s mission had something to do with the Humdrum, that would explain it. But it had been a long, long time since the Mage seemed to be invested with the whole Humdrum affair. Which meant that it was something else. My mind recalled my question, catching up fast.

‘What did he do?’ I asked, not looking extremely invested as to leave enough space and time for him to form his answer, which I knew he needed when it came to him explaining what was on his mind. He opened his mouth but choked on a piece of scone and he gagged loudly, attracting a lot of attention. I rolled my eyes as he coughed the piece out, flicking my wrist to make the disgusting pile of soaked crumbles disappear. Right before I looked down at my own breakfast, I saw him clenching his jaw, as he did when he’s frustrated, but when I looked up to see what was wrong, he was already stuffing another scone in his mouth.

‘I… uhm, I ended up going off,’ he murmured after a while, pulling at his food, appetite gone as quick as it came. I almost regretted asking anything at all, but I didn’t need him to close of completely to me. We had a no-secret-pact so I could take every detail of what he had been through in account for when we needed to strategize. The last weeks though, Simon had been completely off and… I had just no idea what was going on in that head of him. First, I thought it would be helpful to let him set the pace of when and how he wanted to tell me what was bugging him. Now, it was clear he wasn’t planning on telling me anything all if I didn’t ask him directly.

‘Ow, are you okay now?’ I asked him, trying to keep the concern as much as possible out of my voice, but he knew me too well. Throwing me a reassuring nod, but a tired one nonetheless, he took a small bite.

‘Good, that’s good. What happened?’ I tried, approaching calm but unwavering. His mouth opened and closed a couple of times, nose slightly pulled up while debating how to answer that question.

‘Once again, I…I don’t really know what it was all about, but in the end, we went to this… Normal club? Via a back entrance? And then we had to cross the bar…,’ his voice trailed off and I saw his eyes widen a bit, but then he went on. ‘Anyway, we faced a demon with a bag of… I don’t know what was in it, but it seemed as if Normals had… suffered for it… But then the demon turned out to be a shapeshifter who could read my mind, which the Mage had apparently forgotten to mention for Merlin’s sake,’ he growled, which startled me a little. Yes, Simon had started to see that that man didn’t care for him at all, but mostly those feelings kept being covered by thankful and respecting ones. But now he seemed pretty frustrated. I was extremely curious now at what had happened.

‘The shapeshifter took advantage of some of my weakest memories, throwing low blows at me since the Mage had apparently blocked his mind to be safe, and… he…’ he now stopped talking. His gaze hadn’t been on me for the whole time, always slightly unfocused, but now he was looking over my shoulder at something. Or rather, someone, as I already knew without turning around. Instead, I watched his expression change from irritated to something much softer.

Something I had only seen a couple of times before. Years ago when he had dated Agatha, and at moments when I did something for him that he hadn’t expected.

There was a muffled light bubble in my head that was _begging_ to be discovered and I thought back of the conversation I had with Baz while Simon was sleeping on my shoulder. There was something there too that I, for some reason, didn’t understand.

Simon's lips were curling into a small smile, greeting Baz in a way that picked my interest and made me turn my head, catching Baz nodding back. Not smiling, mind you. When he saw me watching, probably reading my curiosity, he raised his eyebrows a little before nodding to me too. I returned the gesture and he went to sit with Dev and Niall at their usual table.

‘Things seem to be good between you too,’ I asked airily. Not that Simon would catch up on a hidden meaning anyway. I loved him to death, but he was extremely painfully oblivious.

‘Yeah… I guess… he was, eh… in our room when I came back and… helped me calm down.’

There was more to the story than that. That was clear. I wasn’t sure if it would be a good idea to poke, but he seemed a little more open this morning than otherwise, so I gave it a shot. ‘So, no snarky remarks?’

He shook his head. ‘No, at least not like it used to be. He was… rather… uhhh… sweet?’ he cringed visibly at the word, but I became amused.

‘Sweet? Basil? I knew he was making efforts to calm down the attitude since he helped you study too and all,’ I said, making him smile, ‘but it seemed you cracked through his armour then?’

At that, Simon looked once again at their table and fidgeted seemingly unconsciously with his scone.

Simon? Playing with his food instead of eating it? What was going on here?

‘This truce seems to be going better than thought,’ I mused, ‘although he’s still arrogant when it comes to other people, as I can see in class, so it must be just you.’

I was watching Simon closely and could not miss for the love of Crowley that there was a blush creeping up onto his cheeks. My amusement faded into disbelief but was quickly interrupted by a short laugh that came out of my throat. He looked up at me, noticing that I had (finally) caught up with the situation and he became as red as I had never seen him before.

‘Are you guys a _thing_ now?’ I gasped out, maybe a little too loud. Simon’s eyes filled up with panic as he shushed me down, avoiding sternly every pair of eyes that were now listening closely. ‘No, Penny, God, cut it out! We’re not!’ he hissed hard. My mood crashed down.

‘… But… you want more, right?’ I asked hesitantly. He looked down, uncertain. His scone was now completely crumbled and he dropped it before bringing his hands up to his face, nodding miserably. My stomach clenched at the sight. ‘Oh, Simon…’

‘It’s okay, it’s okay,’ he quickly said. Tilting his head and pressing his lips together. ‘I can live with what we have now. He’s not mean anymore, so he doesn’t really hurt me…,’ his eyes were emptier than before, but also sparked with determination. ‘We even kind of agreed that we are not going to fight each other in the War… I think? Which is a relief, obviously, because there was no way I am able to kill him now.’

‘You think you have an agreement? Or you’re sure you have an agreement?’ I asked to be clear. If this was true, and both parties wouldn’t have their heirs fighting each other and Simon not being the Mage’s weapon, then things were going to be really interesting. There was an extremely little chance the Mage would win without Simon. Was he going to risk that? Was there even going to be a war then?

‘I’m not a hundred per cent sure, but… yeah, pretty much though,’ he said.

‘And you? Are you going to fight at all? You never liked the idea of the War, and now that the only task they ever gave you in it is seemingly off the table…’ I hinted, hoping he would catch on on the meaning.

If he went against the Mage and became neutral, he would be free. He would be alive for at least just that little longer. Not risking his life for some dumb political reason before he even got the chance of killing the Humdrum or building the life he desired.

‘I never cared for the war. It’s not my fight after all. But…’ he stopped and got a hint of frustration and shame playing on his face.

‘But what?’ I asked gently. We were so so close now, I needed him to go on.

‘I… I don’t know if I can just… go against the Mage his orders,’ he finished unhappily. I touched his arm to comfort him, his own hand tugging at his curls.

‘Simon, you’re a kid. We’re not supposed to fight the wars of adults who use us in a front line. My mom doesn’t want me to fight, and absolutely not in favour of the Mage, but I would do it anyway to help you. But you don’t have to do this, Simon. What can he do? It’s your life!’ His magic was rolling off in waves now, and the students around us got irritated with how much space he seized up, attracting attention for the third time this morning alone with suffocating smoke. Basil was now watching us too, concern barely hidden but averting his eyes fast to not seem suspicious. Which was suspicious enough to get my attention and expand the light bubble in my head.

Baz is not a warm person, not to other people than those who he cares about. Dev is his cousin, Niall is his cousin's roommate, but further than that, he does not have more friends. Except for Simon and me now, but that friendship was more based on a truce after a heavy rivalry and the need for research. Not that I didn’t want to be his friend, strangely enough, but it wasn’t a normal foundation.

And still, he had opened up more to us, to Simon, than their original agreement had asked for. Even behind the scenes, he started helping us, Simon, by being friendly and understanding; involving his sleeping and grades.

So. Baz cares about Simon. Right when Simon starts to care a lot about him too. Interesting.

‘The Mage would never agree on me not participating in the War,’ Simon said, snapping me out of my thoughts. He seemed to have calmed down, but his features were nowhere near peaceful. ‘I don’t know what he’s planning for me, but it would be a lot harder to get out of it than _’just not doing it’_.’

‘I can see that, but still. In the end when it all starts, let us pray it won’t be for the near future, it will come down to ‘ _fight for the Mage and against Basil’_ or ‘ _don’t fight with the Mage, keeping you guys save’_. It’s not something you have to decide right now,’ I tried to reassure him, although we both already knew there was no way he was going to fight Basil, ‘but just… keep it in mind, okay? It’s better to form an opinion so you can defend yourself against those who don’t share it.’

It wasn’t the most subtle way of saying ‘ _so you can defend your friendship and crush on your ex-enemy guy against our conservative school head’_ but it was the truth, and I never really saw why we should disguise the truth. Although, in all those years, I’ve learned that some people do need that. Mostly on emotional moments. That’s where I most of the time pull off an ‘ _Agatha’_ and leave the discussion. Except for Simon. He’s the exception for most of the things in my life.

Simon had laid his head on the table, grumbling against the wood. I flicked his ear and said: ‘Can’t hear you like that,’ at which he scowled at me, copying Baz so comically I couldn’t help but laugh. He scoffed as a response but sat upright anyway. His jaw was clenched again and I waited for his words.

‘I don’t even… when it comes to Baz, everything is so… is he even gay? Didn’t he flirt with Aggie the whole time we were together?’

‘Yes, he did. But he also stopped the moment you guys broke up and never spared her another flirty glance,’ I recounted. I remembered how unaffected Agatha had been by it, surprising me too, because I secretly thought she was after him. Turned out she wasn’t interested in a future with magic. I couldn’t even wrap my head around the thought that the reason she would turn Basilton Pitch down is because of his extreme powers and strong magical bloodline, but oh well, she and I had always different interests at mind.

‘That was because I told him she would not want him for the same reason she didn’t want me,’ he said. I was a bit stunned at that. ‘I didn’t know you had talked to him about that. That must’ve been… two years ago?’

‘Wasn’t intended,’ he shrugged. He started picking up another scone, which relaxed me a little.

‘He doesn’t have to be gay to like you back. He could like boys and girls, like you. Or be pan. Or whatever other sexual orientation he identifies with,’ I said. I didn’t know a lot about the queer community, but enough to know the logical basics that there was more than black-grey- and white. But Simon frowned as he did sometimes when he didn’t know what to do with his homework. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Exactly what I’m saying. You loved Agatha, who is a girl, and now you like Basil, who is a guy. I presume you’re bisexual, or pan, but correct me when I’m wrong. Why can’t Basil be like that?’

Simon's eyes were almost cartoonishly large, scone again forgotten on his plate. ‘You mean… I just thought that because I lo-, like Baz… I’m not gay?’ he asked incredulously. I made a face at his conclusion, glad he didn’t raise his voice enough for the others. Simon Snow would be just the guy to out himself in a clumsy unintended way. ‘Not automatically, no. But that’s not for me to say, you should figure that out for yourself. Finding out what feels the most accurate or comfortable enough for you. You seriously never heard of the LGBTQ-etc. community before?’

He shook his head and I smiled a little at him to ease his nerves. ‘I’ll show you some sites if you want. Then you can get at least an idea of what exists.’ He nodded at that, and then nodded again but more to himself. ‘Yeah, that would be great. Thanks, Penny,’ and he crooked a smile that put me enough at ease to let go a little of the worries I felt for him. Then, something occurred to me.

‘Simon, how long have you been worried about this?’

He kept eating with little bites - not normal - and avoided my eyes. ‘Uhm… a couple of days? … weeks, maybe?’

I raised my eyebrows at him and it was his time to laugh, although sheepishly. ‘Sorry, Pen. Just wasn’t very comfortable enough to admit it all out loud.’

I hesitated at my next words. I was on serious unknown ground, but as his best friend, I had to say it. ‘You do know there’s nothing to be ashamed of, don’t you? There are thousands and thousands of people who are not straight and we live in a free country in an increasingly free world. Anyone who gives you shit about it doesn’t deserve a slice of your attention.’

Simon has stilled. His eyes were upon his sleeve and forearm as he almost mindlessly turned it around. His fingers were flexing from relaxed to stretched before dropping it and shifting to me. My heart crumbled at his expression, uncontrolled and broken and in high need of comfort, curls completely dishevelled and lips red from the pouting and biting. The resemblance with how he first arrived at Watford all those years ago, when this expression made me feel fierce enough to take care of him and bombarding myself to his best friend, was so extreme it felt like we were back at the start. His eyes were starting to get a little glossy and it was clear he was fighting himself from spilling tears.

‘Come on, let’s go outside for a minute. We still have some time before classes start again,’ I said, gently tapping his hand and wrapping up his scone for later. He sniffed slightly, using his the end of his sleeve to rub hard over his eyes. We left the Dining Hall and sat outside against the wall, watching the orange blue sky in the chilling morning while holding each other in a comforting way. His head was on my shoulder and I knew he was getting ready to open up again. To heal from what had been plaguing his mind and letting me in. This was a start, and I felt warmth and proud swirling in my stomach.

_I promise you, I’ll do whatever I can to help you through life. You’re my family, Simon. My lost brother. You’re not lost anymore. I love you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Penny, the wise mother hen who explains our otherwordly and extremely confused Simon about the grey tints of the LGBTQ+ community. We all deserve a friend like her <3


	21. 21

**BAZ**

This was the first time Snow and I greeted each other that openly and friendly in public in our whole life, and every time we locked eyes, there would be nothing but a smile or healthy curiosity. Not of the obsessed, plotting or suspicious kind. Niall and Dev had been frowning at my behaviour and when Dev had asked what in Merlin’s name was going on, I had answered with a voice that left no space for discussion: ‘Snow and I are on a truce. We both have our advantages by deciding that.’

‘Doesn’t mean you’re friends already,’ Niall had murmured under his breath. I had stared so hard and superior to him he had quickly apologised with an: ‘Crowley, Baz, calm down. Sorry it’s a bit weird for us, but you’ve hated the guy for your whole life.’

He had a point with that, but I didn’t think it was worthy to answer with a lie or half of the truth. We would see where this truce led us and then I could think of an explanation. We didn’t talk much that morning and I was mostly lost in thoughts filled with Simon Snow and last night. He had fallen asleep with his legs touching mine after about half an hour, snoring lightly in an even rhythm. I had stopped reading when I noticed. Partly because it’s stupid to read out loud when nobody is listening and to prevent him from waking again, but also because I had to, thanks to the lump in my throat when I saw him like that.

I was now almost ninety per cent sure our truce meant something more to both of us, and not just me. He had slept without his shirt again, trusted me enough to calm him down in his own bed, wanted me close to him and didn’t mind when we touched and he had looked so sincere when he complimented and thanked me.

He had called me amazing. He didn’t want me to catch fire and die.

Crowley, it was pathetic how giddy that left me.

I kept my face carefully neutral during the whole meal and scanned the hall when we stood up to leave. Snow and Bunce were gone, which was weird, because they were normally one of the last, giving Snow enough time to shovel at least three portions inside. My first reaction was to worry again, my second to roll my eyes at myself. I figured in my third reaction that it was probably nothing bad since they didn’t leave in a spectacle and I hadn’t even noticed.

I didn’t have classes with him until the third period, so I tried to clean my head from his haunting eyes and calmed my nerves. I got rewarded when I walked into class after two hours and saw him sitting at his usual table, smiling with something Wellbelove was saying.

I passed his table, not intending to look at him, but instinctively following his head as it turned to me. His lips quirked up further, greeting me without words or a nod but in his typical nonchalant way that left my breath a little hollow. I went to sit at my table and felt Wellbelove and his gaze in my back.

There were almost seven minutes left before the class started, so most students were still outside, leaving it very easy for me to eavesdrop on what they were saying.

‘I’ve already heard from Penny things were a little more civil between you too, but I didn’t expect it to be this true,’ she said, quiet and curious. I wasn’t proud of listening to them, since I wouldn’t hear them without my vampire hearing, but how could I not? My crush and his ex were talking about me and him, for Crowley’s sake, and I needed to know what he was going to say. Maybe it would inform me of where we were exactly.

‘Yeah, it’s kinda crazy. If you had told me this at the beginning of the year, I would’ve laughed at you,’ he said and I silently agreed.

‘It became time though,’ she said, ‘this has been going on for long enough. And it became extremely unnecessary since he hasn’t pulled a stunt on you since fourth year.’

They kept track of what I did that detailed? I was impressed.

‘Well, he still was a prick before our official truce. Guess he just tried to suppress it a little.’

Wellbelove kept silent for a little and then asked him a bit funny: ‘Why are you smiling like that?’

It took me every ounce of self-control I had gathered in the last seven years of rooming with Snow and handling my siblings to not turn around at the spot and seeing what she saw, but I managed by biting the inside of my cheek and opening my book, searching for the page where we had left of.

‘Nothing, nothing, it’s just weird… and it’s nice. I’ve always wondered how life would be when your roommate, specially bonded to you by the Crucible, was actually your friend and not your mean and bullying archnemesis.’

That stung. A lot more than I thought. Especially the fact that he was right. How many times I had fantasized about another dimension where we would meet each other without being part of rivalling families, both into boys and free in life with a normal youth as teenagers ought to be. I’m sure I would fall for him in every version of this story, and maybe, just maybe, he would see me as more than an acquaintance or ‘ _just a friend’_.

‘Yeah. I get that. I mean, at least for a part. Not the enemy part, but the ‘ _being friends with you roommate_ ’. I don’t really miss a roommate, but I do wonder sometimes how it would’ve been if Philippa hadn’t left and we could’ve learned to befriend with each other,’ Wellbelove pondered.

‘You know, I actually still doubt the motives of the Crucible to put the people he chose together. You weren’t friends with your roommate, Penny has a hard time with Trixie and I was supposed to kill Baz according to a prophecy.’ Wellbelove snorted in agreement at that and then they both fell quiet. I was a little disappointed that they weren’t going to discuss more. I knew that sounded twisted, even in my head, but I craved for more. I was going crazy with the amount of information I had and how little that explained everything by the information I didn’t have.

Snow and I were on very friendly terms. Was there something more? Is Snow into blokes?

Snow is glad we're not enemies anymore and smiled at the thought, according to Wellbelove. Is he that happy about not having to kill me anymore or was he thinking about something else?

He trusts me. Like, a lot. I have no idea how to feel about that. What about my vampirism? Does he suddenly not care anymore? After trying to out me for years? What had changed?

‘Hey, Baz, you’re zoning out again, mate,’ Niall’s voice interrupted my train thoughts and I turned my head as he sat down.

‘I thought we had established years ago that the ‘ _mate’_ \- word is forbidden territory when aimed to me?’ I half demanded. Seriously, I got the chills of that word. Everybody could use it to everyone. Everybody could claim me as someone worthy to them to call me a ‘ _mate’_. We are, last time I checked, not animals, and certainly not friends.

I mean, the ‘everybody’ are not friends. Niall and Dev are. Sort of, I guess. But when they don’t approve of the rule of cancelling the word ‘ _mate’_ around me, I urgently needed to reconsider that.

‘Calm down, man. It’s the twenty-first century and we’re friends. What am I supposed to call you? Sir Grimm Pitch?’

‘Preferably. But I’ll be indulgent and say that sir Pitch is enough. We don’t need to exaggerate, do we?’ I leaned back in my chair, legs outstretched and I watched Niall with a raised eyebrow. He rolled his eyes and sighed something that sounded a lot like ‘God bless me with this wonderful friendship’. I smirked.

‘Hey guys,’ I heard Bunce behind me, followed by a chair scraping over the floor. ‘What are we laughing at?’ she asked and again I wished I could look at them. Instead, I sternly stared forward and greeted Dev as he plopped down beside Niall.

‘Nothing special. Just Baz being his obnoxious haughty self,’ Snow answered and I knew more than I felt that the whole trio was looking at me. Instinct told me to sneer. Ratio said I wasn’t supposed to even hear them.

‘Maybe you could teach him some good manners, now that everything is going better?’ Wellbelove snickered. There was no force in the world that could prevent my eyes to roll at that.

‘And while you're at it, he could teach _you_ some table manners. Maybe the Crucible has cast you two together to learn these things,’ she went on with a laugh in her voice. Bunce was giggling now too and Snow moaned in a desperate way that shot a shock through my back - and sad enough to less appropriate places as well. Thank Merlin the teacher came in and the lesson started before I could lose my composure.

The Minotaur was droning about the personal aspects of magic and what defined a ‘powerful magician’. He had already handled the subject of the Old Families last year, but didn’t really care to leave it be and had started all over again. Mixed with what was supposed to be new material (how the passing of magic to children worked, or how marrying a Normal influenced that) that I had already read when I was around twelve years old, it was a fairly boring lesson. Nonetheless, I took notes and listened like the good student I am, in case he would mention something I didn’t know yet.

‘If we had never married Normals and never had children with them, our bloodlines and powers would be immense and huge. Many families consider it as a loss that this didn’t happen,’ he buzzed in a monotone voice. I recognized the jab to the Old Families but ignored it. What he said was true, after all. They mourned how weak some bloodlines had become.

‘Others don’t care about that and follow their beloved ones into a life together, weakening their magic when they reproduce youngsters.’ The class snorted at his way of explaining ‘having sex and popping babies out’, but he ignored it. ‘Still, the magical world is not sure of how one Normal parent and one mage parent affect their child. There have been studies, showing that it is not without danger to have a baby in this kind of marriage, giving the example of a higher chance of a dead born. There are not enough cases of that to say this is a truth, but it is something to take into consideration when following that path of life.’

I blinked my eyes. I did not know about that. Catching Bunce straighten her back, she apparently either. The Minotaur started again, but Bunce raised her hand.

‘What are the chances of having a… dead born? I mean, according to the most recent studies?’ she asked. The Minotaur, always happy when a student was paying enough attention to ask further, waved with his wand to make a sketch in the air while he was talking.

‘They are still busy bringing all of their information together. The last study results that they have published date from almost two years ago, so it’s all very fresh.’ That would explain why we had never read it in books in our libraries before. He started drawing circles and diagrams, pointing at them saying numbers and percentages and I quickly copied them down, but Bunce wasn’t done.

‘How do they know that the baby died because of the… uh, combination of parents?’

That was a very good question. I sulked a little that I didn’t come up with that.

‘It seems that once the baby is born, we could still feel a sense of shimmering magic under the skin of the child for a period of almost forty-eight hours. Researchers have linked this with documents of reported deaths from centuries ago were mages were killed by the theory of magic transferring. That was the first thing that gave them a hint of a connection, but as I said, it’s all very new. I don’t know much more than that, I only mentioned it more as a side note.’ He flicked his wrist and the sketches disappeared.

For a moment, I wondered if I had imagined what he had just said, but when I caught Bunces and Snow's eyes, I was sure I didn’t.

Killed by magic… transferring? We had never used that term in our research, and definitely not in combination with death. Bunce her eyes were round and got this excited glint at the mention of new information for one of their missions. I mean, our mission. After all, I’m part of it. Although I was not so sure anymore that is a good thing.

Before she could raise her hand again, mine was already in the air.

‘Sir, can you explain what this theory of magic transferring is? And how it is linked to death?’ I asked in a normal and educational curious tone. He squinted his eyes a little at my question and I couldn’t blame him. I was the only Pitch heir, a big part of the Old Families, known as the boy who’s supposed to kill their Chosen One. If I was a teacher, I would be hesitant too to give a student information like this.

But if he wasn’t going to give it, I would just search it up until I found it, now that I knew the terms.

There was a short silence and I felt the whole class looking between me, the Minotaur and the table of Snow. Maybe I should’ve left this to Bunce… I glanced at her, and as if she could read my mind, she said: ‘Is it like a shock that you produce with your magic or something? Just bombarding your enemy with power?’

The Minotaur’s face relaxed a little when the other one of his best students - the one with the better reputation - seemed interested too and I heard some classmates murmur to each other.

‘Magical powers are a very personal thing. They not only represent a part of who you are or from which bloodline you come, but they appear to be so acclimatized to the core of your own person that it is impossible to give it away. Many and many magicians who have fallen in love with Normals already tried to give them a share of their powers, leaving burns on their skins behind. Or even worse, melting their intestines by the sudden shock of magic that their body doesn’t recognize and the inability to pull it back once it’s flowing. It is extremely dangerous to experiment with magic, which is why it has been forbidden for hundreds of years. It used to be a defence mechanism in wars or when in danger, but since the result could be the death of the other person, it has been illegalised and put in the same category as torturing spells.’

I felt cold all over and had to work to keep my cool.

It is illegal? People have died because of melted intestines? And… nobody has yet survived it? But why… why was it different with Snow and me? Was his magic that different?

I started smelling smoke in the air once I tried to concentrate on what was happening and I automatically looked over to Snow, who was already watching me with a confused, shocked and even worried face. Why was he worried? Did I do a that bad job of hiding my thoughts? He cocked his head as if asking if I was alright and my throat suddenly felt dry. If there would be no one around us, I would have a much harder time to prevent myself from getting up and grabbing him close to me. The bastard had just heard he was probably the only one in history who could transfer his magic, to his vampire enemy of all people, but his first reaction was to ask me if I was alright?

In my peripheral view, I saw Bunce seek the attention of the Minotaur once more.

‘I’m sorry, one last question. Is it possible that it is the process of getting used to strange magic that kills those people? I don’t know how it is for Normals, but if we use magic on other mages during, for example, healing, then we get in touch with strange magic too. Is it maybe too pure to just give raw magic?’

Niall was fidgeting on his chair. ‘Where for Crowley’s sake is she after?’ he picked. ‘Does the Mage use them to find out more about illegal magic to have an advantage in the war?’

I didn’t answer, way too invested in the answer we would now hopefully get. It felt like we were so close as if I could already know, but I didn’t, and this was our chance.

‘Who knows. I’m not the teacher to ask those questions, but if I had to think logically, I would say that it is indeed maybe possible to adjust to another mage his magic when you put it like that. Although, if that really was an option, I guess it would’ve been discovered before. It was a highly popular theory during the Middle Ages. But you can’t keep practising or experimenting when the only result seems to be death.’ He started to grin a little as if thinking of something funny. ‘Death is final, isn’t it? It’s not like a dead body has time to get used to it. Then it’s too late.’

When you’re dead, you don’t have time.

Dead bodies don’t come back to life.

Death is final.

Too late.

But it’s not… for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ..... So.... This is one of my explanations for why they can share magic.... I guess it's kinda sad too, but, well, we need a catalyst and believe me, this is one.  
> Becaaauuusseee nexttt chappterrr ttheeeyyy-


	22. 22

**SIMON**

Oh God oh God oh God why, of all reasons, is Baz being a vampire the answer to the most magical thing I have ever experienced?

Being in the middle of a class was not the most perfect timing to find out that the only reason he and I were able to perform illegal magic was because he had died once, as I deduced from his paling face and eyes that went from shock to painful self-hate to an alarming cold mask.

As soon as class was over, he was gone.

‘Penny, I have to go after him,’ I said urgently, more informing her than asking for permission, but she nodded anyway. I almost bumped into Agatha in my haste but didn’t say more than a quick sorry before running down the halls and leaving the entrance.

I stopped, trying to think fast about where he would go in this situation. Our room? No, he probably wanted to be outside, alone. So, not the Catacombs? No, he would be reminded of what he was constantly by all the memories. The Pitch? Too open…

The Wavering Woods were open. He could easily run for miles without seeing or being seen by anyone. The Woods it was.

I started running, hoping no teacher would be outside to make me aware of the fourth period I was supposed to be in and crossed the bridge after a quick scan. Then, I entered the first line of trees and started calling out his name, because I had no idea where he went.

Please, let him be here.

‘Baz? Are you here? Please, come out,’ I yelled, breathing hard because of the running and calling. No matter how sunny the day was, the Woods always had this dark and humid atmosphere, full of ominous and sinister promises. Normally, I loved it. Today, I hoped it wasn’t an omen.

‘Baz, come on, where are you? It’s okay, you know. Now we just… know. It doesn’t change a thing,’ I tried. Maybe he was listening and I just needed to reassure him. My feet were making loud noises against the fallen dried leaves and I had the feeling of being watched by animals and less-animal-creatures. My fingers were itching for my sword, but that was not wat Baz needed right know. If he was watching me at all.

‘Pitches don’t run away from their problems. You told me yourself. This is not even a problem, just a fact. It’s not important,’ I proclaimed, hoping I could provoke a reaction by bringing in his own words and last name. I slowly came to a halt, already deep into the endless mass of trees without a sight of him. My breathing was ragged, but I prepared for another round of yelling.

‘I’ve never seen you skipping a lesson before. Is this seriously the day you’re going to tr-‘

‘Shut the fuck up, Snow,’ a deep snarling voice interrupted me. I turned around, unintentionally a little startled at how he still managed to sneak up on me and what an easy target I actually was. ‘If I decide to skip class, then that’s my business. If I decide to do it today, then I do the fuck what I want. And if you think that what we just discovered doesn’t change a thing, then fuck off and leave me the fuck alone.’ He was shimmering in anger and his eyes were blazing with the fire inside him. The way he stood there, drenched in power and fury, surrounded by branches that he could summon by his will, bowing for their only master and compliant by his will. The way he carried his body now, as if he didn’t just hear something that had hurt him, attitude the complete opposite of his words and the unspoken threat of _‘don’t you dare to come closer to me, because you will regret it’_.

He was mesmerizing. If I didn’t know any better, I would say he was using his vampire powers to enthral me. I wouldn’t even care. I would follow him everywhere.

‘Baz, please,’ I started as I stepped forward, but he held up his hand and blinded me with a blowtorch he lighted up in his hand. I let out a small scream at the unexpected turn of events, but it only took a second for the fear to claw its way into my chest.

‘Could you please put out that fire?’ I pleaded, hoping to be calm but reading in his reaction I was much too frantic.

‘Why.’ It wasn’t even a question. He didn’t even want an answer. His gaze was colder than the destroying heat in his palm and it scared the hell out of me. I gulped it down and took another step forward. The flame became bigger and my instincts screamed to back off, but I couldn’t. Baz needed me, even if he didn’t want it.

‘Because you promised me you wouldn’t set yourself on fire,’ I whispered. I saw something flicker in his eyes, but it could’ve been the reflection of the now blue flames too. 

‘You’re so naïve, Snow. Did your precious Mage never told you not to trust Dark Creatures?’ he sneered. I ignored him and the feeling he wanted to give me. He didn’t want to do this. If he wanted this, he would’ve never done all these gentle things for me the last weeks.

‘I don’t care that you are a Dark Creature. You never were a dark creature. You’re not like that, and you know that, Baz. I do trust you,’ I entrusted him. I reached out my hand tentatively, not knowing what I wanted from him, but hoping he would calm down and put out that damn fire.

‘You shouldn’t,’ he said without emotion.

‘But I do.’

‘Back off, Simon!’ he screamed so hard that a dozen of birds flew away with a screech in the sky and he aimed his hand at my feet with a speed I hadn’t expected. I jumped back, right in time and I saw the dry leaves catching fire. The heat immediately warmed my skin and it was like looking away from an accident. You didn’t want to, but you needed to. I needed to. I needed to keep my concentration on Baz.

_This was getting out of hand._

‘Baz, you can’t do this,’ I pleaded and I felt tears forming in my eyes. _This could not be happening_ , I thought as I saw him sinking on the ground. _This was not how this was supposed to end_ , I cried as he pulled his knees up and hid his head in his arms. _This could not be the end…_ The fire had spread faster than I had ever seen, claiming the magical connection with his emotions. It surrounded us both but kept me away from him. _I could not lose him… I couldn’t…_

‘ **Let me through!** ’ I shouted, magic spilling in my words, uncontrolled but effective as the second the words left my mouth, a small path opened up before me. I didn’t think and launched myself forward. The fire closed again behind me, but I didn’t care. I dropped myself onto my knees and grabbed both Baz’s forearms. His head shot up, looking at me like he had never seen me before. There were tracks of tears on his cheeks and I wiped them clean before I could think the better of it. His eyes never left me, but they fluttered as I let my palm cupping his face. He didn’t feel cold at all.

‘Why?’ his voice was now hoarse, as though he had screamed the lungs out of his body.

‘Why not?’ I whispered back. My thumb swiped over his lips and I left it there, feeling his breath stutter. ‘It’s pure selfishness, Baz. I can’t lose you.’ My head leaned forward and our gazes locked in a heartbeat. I had never seen them so full of thousands of tints of grey and green, shining and filled with unspoken emotions. They grabbed me, didn’t gave me a chance to fight against the feeling of adoration that overwhelmed me.

Not just adoration. Wonder. Affection. Admiration.

 _Love_.

‘I’m a monster. I was supposed to die over ten years ago. My mother died because of me. She would hate what I have become,’ his voice broke halfway, tears now flooding freely over his face. I couldn’t stop myself, feeling my own face becoming as wet as his. My hand kept cleaning his cheeks, rubbing them comfortably while my other cupped the other side of his face. I held him tight to make sure he was looking at me, needing him to feel what I was going to say. What I meant from the bottom of my heart.

‘You. Are. Not. A. Monster. You’re a magnificently powerful and talented mage. You’re an amazing big brother. You care for people, even if you’re too proud to admit it. Monsters don’t care, but you do. Your heart is so big, Baz. And it beats. You’re not dead, no matter how hard you try to convince me or yourself. You’re alive, and you deserve to be alive. Your mother would want you to be alive and be the perfect son she gave birth to. You’re a Pitch, Baz. Don’t throw that away.’ I had to fight to keep my voice working. It wavered and slipped away, but I kept going. I came closer and closer and kept whispering the praise he deserved, the things I thought about him, everything he needed to hear. Everything to keep him here.

His eyes had slipped closed and he was breathing through his mouth, lips redder than ever from the biting and I came closer and closer until we shared the same air between us. Our noses bumped, my hands tilted his head slightly up and a fraction before I closed the distance, he opened his eyes. And I had never felt more at home then that moment.

My lips pressed on his, tasting salt and smoke and a sweet aroma that was with no doubt pure Baz. They were full and warm and soft as he sat there, still and unmoving. Shocked.

The fear blossomed up at the thought of my mistake, of misreading every small action that had led me to this. For my bad instincts and the stupid idea of what could comfort him. But then he launched himself back at me and devoured my lips, blowing my mind and taking all the breath I had left away. One hand slipped into his hair, so soft, one slipped down onto his neck, pulling him closer and closer until I almost fell over, dragging him with me. We stopped momentarily by the movement, gasping for air. I coughed as I only got smoke inside my lungs. Only then Baz seemed to realize this could be the moment we were going to die by his hand if he didn’t put out the fire this moment.

He leaned back on his heels, slipping his wand out of his sleeve and cleared his throat. ‘ **Make a wish** ,’ he shouted, but not with enough magic in his words. He clenched his jaw and gripped his wand tighter as he shouted with more determination: ‘ **Make a wish!’**

Only a fraction of the fire disappeared, quickly replaced by the other flames. Closer and closer, a ring of inferno made his way towards us and for the first time since he had produced the innocent flame in his hand, I read fear in his eyes.

I took his hand and he looked at me like a deer captured in headlights.

‘Let’s work together,’ I whispered softly and encouraging. He hesitated at the idea of performing the magic that had made him break down in the first place, but I coughed again when breathing in too deep and every doubt disappeared. He nodded and I let go.

Baz back straightened in an instant and he closed his eyes at the feeling of infinity I shared with him. He raised his wand and shook the hair I had loosened up during our kiss back. He looked every bit of the breath-taking controlled mage he was.

‘ **Make a wish!** ’ he roared above the noise of the flickering fire and before I could blink, it was gone.

The silence was deafening. The animals and their sounds had disappeared. Only our irregular breathing was left to hear in the aftermath of the fear. The smoke that was left pricked in my eyes. I didn’t let him go.

‘ **What a view** ,’ I heard him mutter and I felt how he unknowing tapped my magic, clearing the forest and the air. My chest felt lighter as I took a deep breath and looked up at him, safe and sound and _here_ with me. I almost sank to the ground when the realisation hit me. Baz was alive. He wasn’t gone. _He was here_.

I was still holding his hand and I pulled him to me, eyes flickering from wonder and disbelief. He had to brace himself with his knees on both sides of my thighs to stop himself from crushing me. I wouldn’t mind him crushing me, but you didn’t hear me complaining about him straddling me. And according to the blush that decorated his beautiful sharp face, he didn’t either.

‘Don’t ever. Ever. Do that to me again,’ I whispered shakily, bringing him forward to rest my forehead against his. My other arm rested on his belly, rubbing him with the back of my hand where I could reach him. His eyes dropped close and he let out a soft sound that sounded half broken half pleasure. It was like music to my ears and I pressed a ghost of a kiss on his nose. A small whine escaped his mouth and my lips wandered to his cheek.

‘Believe me, it was pure selfishness,’ he said after a couple of moments getting himself together. I withdrew my mouth from his face and looked incredulously at him.

‘I couldn’t lose you either,’ he purred with a small smile and I groaned before claiming his mouth once again. He met me halfway.

We were drenched in passion and heat and nerves and I had let go of his hand to embrace his fit waist to pull him closer, never losing the contact to keep the magic flowing. The world stopped existing and it was just him and me and his mouth and his tongue and his hands his touch his smell his sounds just him him him.

Our bodies were pressed together as one and I was never going to let him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it happened :) In their most cliché environment.  
> And maybe the fire has died, but their internal fire didn't.... *woop woop oops*


	23. 23

**BAZ**

My reflection didn’t stop smiling for some reason. Most of the time, it was scowling back at me while I was slicking my hair back or judging me from the vain attempts to make myself as attractive as possible for the person on the other side of the door. Now, on the other hand, my whole face was changed by the stretch of my lips, the display of my teeth and the dishevelled state of my hair, due to rough, freckled hands.

I’ve never been vibrating with life like this before.

His leftover magic in my veins was pulling me towards the Golden Boy that was stumbling around in our room, letting me feel I was too far away from him. I knew I was too far away from him, I felt it in my dead (undead?) heart, but that could be my dramatic side speaking. I splashed water in my face, tried to tame my hair, took some deep breaths and pulled myself upright, all while smiling like an idiot lovestruck foul.

Well, I was an idiot lovestruck fool after all. How could I not? He kissed me.

Oh, mother of Crowley, Simon Snow kissed _me_.

While I was about to set myself on fire nonetheless. My smile disappeared slightly at the memory of that suicidal action. I wasn’t even really thinking of dying, but it just happened. I lost control, half because of him and how he wanted to let me know that me being a bloodsucker didn’t change anything. That apparently, he didn’t care that what we did had killed people years ago and its highly illegal and was never seen before. He was just trying so so hard, following me and spilling all those arguments at me and I didn’t know what to say, because I didn’t believe him. The only thoughts in my head were ‘ _it’s wrong, I’m wrong, I’m supposed to be dead._ ’

That sounded a lot more suicidal now that I thought about it. But it had never happened before to this extent, so it really was one stupid dangerous impulsive action.

I guess it was just one thing extra, one too much, that I wasn’t special for being the only one able to handle his magic or strange magic in general. I was just dead. Even more unnatural than I thought.

The smile had gone and my reflection was now one perfectly sad gay vampire having pity for himself. It was thoroughly depressing.

My super smell notified me before I heard the knock on the door, and Snow jumped up to open it.

‘Hi, Si. You didn’t come back. And Baz neither. Are you guys okay? Where is he?’ Bunce’s voice asked, concern slipping through. My chest warmed up at the thought of how she seemed to care for me at least a little. The memory of how she had helped in class to get an answer to the question when I seemed too suspicious flooded through my head, and I needed to remember to thank her.

‘He’s in the bathroom. It’s okay. Right now, at least. Things went a little… down. And then up again,’ he added. A small silence fell and it was like a déjà vu when Bunce asked: ‘Why are you smiling like that?’ Although she sounded a lot more knowingly.

‘Turns out… He’s, well… I did have a chance?’ and it sounds like a question, but I can imagine how red he must be right now, cheeks dimpled because of the smile he was trying to hold back. Bunce shrieked and clapped in her hands, upon which he shushed her down. ‘He can hear you, calm down,’ he said panicked and I snorted behind my hand.

‘Whatever,’ she said. ‘Things didn’t look this positive when you ran after him, but I like how it turned out. Even though it’s a little sudden. What happened?’

‘Uhh…,’ Snow hesitated and I got a little anxious about how much he was going to tell her. ‘He got a little… upset, about what he had heard, and I found him in the Wavering Woods.’

He stopped talking. ‘And?’ Bunce asked further. It was like I could hear her furrowed forehead.

‘And… well, we talked?’ he answered uncomfortably. My heart melted at his voice and I saw myself growing soft in the mirror. That gorgeous nightmare tried to protect me and how bad I got. If I didn’t already know how amazing he was, it was clear now. Their no-secrets-pact was holy, but he broke it anyway.

Merlin, I loved him so bad.

Quickly making myself ready to leave the bathroom, I made some noise to make them aware that I was coming and then I opened the door to save him from the awkward situation.

‘Bunce,’ I greeted her. She just raised her eyebrow at me. It was scary how good she was at that. The only other persons I knew who were gifted with that talent were family, naming Mordelia and my father.

‘Baz. You okay?’ she asked. I nodded, allowing a small smile. ‘It seems you now know for sure about my condition. Don’t give me a reason to hunt you down.’

‘Baz!’ Snow exclaimed shocked, looking at me with wide-open eyes like he couldn’t believe I just threatened his best friend. Bunce on the other hand didn’t seem fazed at all.

‘Don’t worry. As long as _you_ don’t give _me_ a reason to set you aflame, your secret is safe with me.’ Her arms were folded over her chest and even though she was much smaller than me, she succeeded in giving me a glare that made me shrink as if I was a child. I didn’t let it show, but damn, that girl was scary.

‘Noted.’

‘Perfect.’ She smiled as if nothing happened and as I glanced at Snow, he did had no idea what had happened.

‘Have you seen that, Snow? This is how you threaten people in a civilized way. You can learn a thing or two from that,’ I told him with a smirk in its place. He scrunched his eyes and groaned, which was way too attractive to be healthy, saying: ‘Same for you, Pitch. Pushing me down the stairs is not a good example of good manners.’ I rolled my eyes and threw my hands in the air in an exasperated manner. ‘That was one time and not even my fault. You were being clumsy in the wrong place at the wrong time.’

‘Sure,’ he snorted, head bobbing in a sarcastic way. I was proud of that performance. I hoped I could take credit in teaching Simon Snow how to be sarcastic, but if I was fair, Bunce probably had her fair share in that. Said person was looking between us as if figuring something out, following Snow as he sat down on his bed. Her eyes fell on the book on his nightstand that I had left last night with a bookmark neatly placed around page thirty. She looked shocked.

‘Did you read, Simon?’ she gasped. I had to hold back a laugh again at how astonished she was and Snow looked annoyed. ‘Stop saying it like that,’ he said, ‘but… actually, no. I didn’t.’ His face warmed up and it was as endearing as always. Bunce now looked at me with a question in her eyes.

‘Yes, I did read it,’ I sighed before she could ask it out loud.

‘Didn’t saw you as the type for that genre,’ she stated.

‘Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?’ Snow shouted, hand over his heart as if he was hurt, but we both ignored him.

‘You’re right. I mostly go for… advanced reading,’ I said, choosing my words more to tease Snow than really making a statement. Bunce, who was way too smart for hidden meanings, just rolled her eyes. ‘I would’ve thought that now you two cleared out the attraction is mutual, things would develop to nicer intercourse, but I should’ve known this is just some kick for you guys. It’s like foreplay that goes on for years.’

If I had fed recently, I would be as red as Snow was right now, but I still felt a shocked and embarrassed blush appear at her words. It was weird to hear it out loud in the open. We had only kissed one time. Multiple times in that one time. And I would not pass it beyond Snow that he did it just to save me.

 _Turns out… I did have a chance?_ The ghost of his words echoed in my head. I almost didn’t dare to hope. But maybe… just maybe…

‘Penny! Oh my God, shu- what? You can’t just say stuff li- like that!’ Snow stuttered in an attempt to defend himself, but it was helpless. Bunce was grinning like she had won the jackpot. ‘Stuff like what?’ she dared him.

‘That Baz and I had- you know… That we're… that there is now… Just because you saw me smile- I mean… You know!’ he cried out with his hands in his hair.

‘Don’t work yourself in a knot,’ I hushed him with a private smile in my eyes that I knew he saw. ‘Just like me, she knows how to push your buttons if she wants, apparently.’

‘Oh great,’ he sulked, ‘so know I’m nowhere safe anymore? Traitor.’

‘You’re just an easy target,’ I shrugged. A voice in my mind shrieked horrified: ‘ _Did you just shrug? Stop it! Immediately!_ ’

‘Yeah? Well… you’re just a bully!’ he blurted out so childish it was laughable.

‘And you still like me,’ I smirked. And then I froze.

Merlin, Morgana, I did not just say that. Bunce and Snow were both looking at me like I was crazy and the instinct to erase their minds and run away to Mexico or Hawaii showed his head, but then something crossed Snow’s face, so fast I almost didn’t saw it.

‘Yeah… I guess I do,’ he murmured softly. I wanted to swallow the dryness in my mouth. His hands were still fidgeting with his clothes, but his mouth gave me this half crooked smile that once made me fall in love with him and still made my knees weak. Did he just admit out loud he liked me? Was this really happening? He bit nervously on his lip and everything in me screamed to walk to him, pin him down on his own bed and nip at that delicious looking mouth before discovering his tongue and sounds.

‘Honestly, guys, go eye-fuck each other somewhere else,’ Bunce sighed dramatically. Snow instantly snapped his head down and hid in his hands, but I did not give her the satisfaction to surprise me two times in such short notice.

‘I think we can do what we want since this is our room. You’re the voyageur here.’ She averted my eyes at that, so I must’ve stepped up enough in my come back. And even if I didn’t, Snow reacted in sounds in a very satisfying way.

‘Then go on with it and be done before lunch ends. I’m not going to listen to him moaning over how he missed his food.’

‘Don’t worry, I’ll feed him and listen to him moaning,’ I avowed her, waving my hand in a dismissive way.

‘I gave that away, didn’t I,’ Bunce groaned irritated, with even a hint of disappointment.

‘Oh. My. God. You guys can’t be serious, I’m right here!’ Snow sputtered in a high-pitched voice. Enjoying my momentary boldness, I said in a happy voice: ‘Thank Crowley you are, I’m not done with you yet.’

Now both of them seemed so uncomfortable that if there was a spell to make the ground swallow you, Bunce would cast it without thinking.

‘I’ve had enough sexual tension and pillow talk for today. I’m going to eat lunch and talk to normal people and I expect you both dressed and behaving yourself in fifth period,’ she demanded, turning around to leave the room.

‘Wait, Penny!’ Snow stopped her and she glimpsed behind. ‘Could you maybe… not tell anyone else… yet?’ He looked at me, unsure and red, making me pity him a little. I nodded to say it was okay and he turned back to Bunce. ‘It’s just… we haven’t even… we need to… talk, maybe. So, no gossips would be… helpful?’

She smiled at him, reassuring his nerves. ‘Don’t worry. Who would I even tell? I’m pretty sure nobody would even believe me.’

‘Is that supposed to be a comforting thing?’ I asked deadpanned.

She shrugged. Wow, Snow really influenced us both. ‘Just stating the obvious. People don’t believe in miracles unless they see it with their very own eyes.’ At that, she opened the door and was gone before we could answer. A blanket of silence covered the room as we heard her descending the stairs. And then it was just the two of us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that escalated quickly :D Baz didn't hold back here, huh.  
> But now, they need to talk... We all know how that goes.


	24. 24

**SIMON**

I knew I had just said we needed to talk, but for some reason, my mind had not anticipated that that would happen this fast. But here we were. Looking at each other in fractions of seconds, waiting until the other one would gather enough courage to open their mouth and address the situation at hand.

We kissed after he had set the Woods on fire.

Baz had had a big mouth and a cocky attitude when Penny was in the room, but now that she was gone, he seemed to be more nervous than I had ever seen him. Scanning me in an attempt to find out if I was going to jump up and run away, or starting to spew nonsense or maybe even laugh.

There was nothing to laugh.

‘Baz,’ I eventually said, and I had to cough to keep my voice working, ‘I know we’re not the types of… talking… about our feelings.’ My face was heating up again but I kept going, watching him but not straight in the eye. ‘But… you now… we could’ve died there,’ he flinched as my words came out. ‘You could’ve died there. If I had not followed you, would you have seriously… killed yourself?’

The words are toxic in my mouth and my stomach turns around when the meaning of what I had said comes at me like a gunshot. If I had not run after him, would he have lost control too? Would I be now sitting in the Dining Hall, hearing from strangers that the Woods had caught fire and that he was gone? Would it be my fault since I had not run after him? Or was today my fault since I did not leave him alone?

It felt like a bucket of ice-cold water had been turned empty above my head and I shuddered, attracting Baz’s attention. He looked at me, slightly guilty with a hint of sadness, leaning against the wall.

‘No. At least, I don’t think so. I’m not sure,’ his voice trails off. ‘I don’t really have… you know, suicide thoughts… but today was weird and I was not thinking clearly.’

I almost didn’t dare to ask, but I needed to know for sure. ‘Would you have stopped the flames if I wasn’t there to ask you?’

‘I mean, I probably would’ve not been able to stop them in the first place. You had to give me your magic. Seems that controlled spell work and emotions don’t work together that well,’ he said grimly. ‘I don’t know if I would have started a fire if you weren’t there. I just wanted to scare you away. Keep you on a distance. I should’ve known you aren’t that easily discouraged.’

I wished I could laugh about it, keeping it light to keep it easy, but it came out pained. He immediately caught on and his face seemed to soften a little. He hesitated before asking: ‘Can I sit down?’ pointing at my bed. I nodded, smiling more genius at the idiocy that he still wanted to ask that after everything we’ve been through these last days. He carefully placed himself on the edge of my bed and stared at my crossed legs. His forehead was wrinkled and his breath came out a little ripped. He was working up to something, and I was slightly stunned at how clearly he was to read. He must’ve let all his defences down. The thought made my heart clench and my chest warm.

He breathed in and then asked fast: ‘Why did you kiss me?’

I knew it was coming, but it still felt so raw. The sun was pouring in our room, making this seem even more unreal. Most of our more intimate conversation had happened in the evening or even in the dark at night, giving some psychological effect of protection. Now, it felt so much more dramatic and sensitive. Our words not hidden, but clear like a black on white contrast. It was terrifying.

‘I wasn’t really thinking, but I wante- I mean, you clearly needed someone to calm you down, no?’ I answered nervously. He flinched again, but more violently this time. My throat closed off in the fear of saying something wrong.

‘So, you just wanted to distract me of dying?’ he forced out, tone cold and unpersonal. The complete opposite of how he was not even a minute ago. ‘Is that your way of saving the world? Kissing everybody so they will stop attacking you?’ he tried to sneer, but it came out forced and my eyes grew wide as I finally realised what I had said. _God, I’m so stupid._

‘No! No, that came out all wrong, sorry. Just like you, in the heat of the moment,’ I internally groaned at the stupid word choice, even Baz raised his eyebrow, ‘I just acted… on instinct.’

‘So, your instinct in a burning forest where we’re both on the verge of dying tells you to kiss me?’ he asked with a face like he could not believe it. This conversation went so much more poorly than I had anticipated. I opened my mouth like a gaping fish, closing it before opening again, all without saying a word. Baz looked at me expectantly, waiting for an answer, so I nodded. I swallowed my pride and fear of rejection away, noticing how he looked at my throat. I blushed so fiercely it was not funny anymore.

Baz though seemed at loss for words, something I had not seen much before, but his mean and distant icy demeanour had softened again, so I could not help but hope for a more positive outcome.

‘And have you realised that just now?’ he asked softly, unsure but with a flicker of desire in his eyes.

‘I… did not. Guess I had thought about for… a while,’ I muttered. I had never felt more uncomfortable in my life. Why did everything go so much more smoothly in movies? Talking seemed so much easier when others did that, but I was so shit at it. I was extremely tense when he didn’t react, but after some seconds, I felt the bed dip as he moved. I saw his legs shuffling closer in my down casted vision and followed his hand that slowly raised itself onto mine. It was cold, refreshing and hot at the same second, sending sparks up into my arm, almost as if we were sharing magic again.

‘Snow, look at me,’ he said so softly it astonished me. I lifted my eyes and was caught by his deep grey gentle examination. The green I had seen in the Woods was gone, together with the red rims, so that must’ve been a side-effect from the tears. He was not crying now. In fact, he was looking at me like I had hung the moon myself, full of adoration that left me confused. My body on the flip side reacted like he was the last bit of air I desperately needed.

‘I don’t know what could’ve happened if you weren’t there. But I’m glad you were. I’m always glad when you’re near me. And I’m glad you kissed me.’ He was whispering now, thumb making soothing circles on the back of my hand, sending electricity through my veins. His gaze had dropped to my mouth and I could not prevent mine to do the same to his. His plump pouting lips were parting as if he wanted to say something else, but I only felt a small warm breath on my skin, so incredibly close I felt dizzy. If I would be standing right now, my knees would not be able to carry me. But I was not standing. I was sitting on my bed with the boy I had loved for probably longer than I realised, lost in the feeling of his hand, his breath and his proximity. The distance grew smaller, but there was no way I could say if I was the one leaning forward or he came closer. It didn’t matter. The next thing I knew, his lips were on mine and my eyes fell close at the overwhelming feeling of him.

It was an exhilarating feeling I’ve never felt before. Now that there was no danger of dying, there was no escaping of every small detail and feeling and sound and touch, making everything so carefully perfect. I felt how he was hesitant at what he was doing, responding eagerly when I pushed back and I realised in the back of my mind that I was probably Baz his first kiss.

I almost swooned right there and then and felt the immediate concern of not living up to his expectations, but the moan that vibrated in our contact as I, more accidentally and on instinct than on purpose, slipped my tongue out and licked his bottom lip proved me wrong. Encouraged, I pushed myself up slightly, towering just a little bit above him. It was enough to push back and get control. His hands had slipped from my hand and were now sliding up and down my body, sides, back, latching into my hair to get me closer and I couldn’t breathe.

I never wanted to breathe again if it meant I could keep doing this for the rest of my poor life.

I had grabbed hold of his shirt, keeping him in place as I got comfortable on his legs, copying the position he was in in the Woods and he pulled back with a gasp. We were both panting like crazy, but it was not what we were concentrated on. Our hands didn’t stop grazing each other on every possible place and I leaned closer again when I pulled on his hair, tipping his head back and absorbing the whimper he let go. I didn’t think when I pushed him down and pinned him to my bed, attacking his mouth like it was my only goal in life. Our bodies were flushed against each other and we were moving like one, groaning when our lower bodies rubbed against each other. Normally, I would be ashamed of that reaction, but when I looked at the scrunched up expression of bliss of the gorgeous boy below me, I knew he felt the same. So I did it again. And he gasped loudly, followed by a high soft moan. And a wave of proud washed over me because _I did this to him_! So I did it again. And again. And he had to murmur my name while opening his eyes to stop me from losing control.

‘Simon,’ he breathed, and my heart went from beating like crazy to nothing at all, ‘as much as I- _uhmpf_ … enjoy this, let’s go a little slower, okay?’ His eyes were almost completely black, pupils consuming the greyness as if it was nothing, but even if his hair was as messy as I had ever seen, he looked more in control than me. I knew he was right. We had only kissed twice and we had lunch - and classes - soon. But it was so hard to keep track of my movements when he looked like the God he was. I dropped my head into the hollow of his neck, trying to get control of my breathing and flushing because of how eager I was. His body fitted perfectly in mine, longer but skinnier so I was caging him in, but that didn’t mean he had no control over me at all. The first chance he got to latch his lips onto my neck, he started kissing and licking and _sucking_ for Crowley’s sake. I had never gotten a hickey before, but he could hickey me for all he wanted anywhere he could think of if this was how it felt all the time. An embarrassing sound escaped me, making him work even harder and it worked. He got me so distracted that I almost forgot I could do the exact same thing. So I did. And it was so worth it.

Everything he let go was delivered straight into my ear, making it extremely hard to concentrate on keeping my body in control. I managed, and he and I alternated in getting the upper hand, leaving each other lasting in joy and pleasure as we kept discovering what we liked and craved. Time could’ve been flying or had stopped for whatever goddamn reason, but I couldn’t care less. There was only this and the unbelievable fact that this was happening, making me want to explode but for the first time in my entire life for a good reason. He was so compliant but dominating at the same time it left my mind reeling. But I followed his pace as if it was second nature, slowing down as he did, starting to kiss softly when he did, taking my time in dropping featherlight kisses on his face when he fell back with his eyes closed and a heavenly relaxed expression. Until we were nipping at each other, taking longer and longer breaks, just staring and smiling and drowning in the view. When I nuzzled my head onto his chest, his arms embraced me like a cocoon and my entire soul knew for once and for all that _this was the place I had been looking for my whole life_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slower? Baz, did you asked for going slower?? I'm sorry I didn't hear over the screaming from the next chapter...


	25. 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mild smut

**BAZ**

There was no way Simon didn’t hear my heart hammering in my chest. His head and ear were right there, resting on my body, nose prodding closer until I was convinced he had found his own place in my heart and decided to stay there. I felt his own heart thumping against my stomach, just as heavy as I heard his blood flowing under his skin. The rise and fall of his body had synchronized with mine and we felt like one. The thought and feeling left me breathless and giddy and overwhelmed with happiness, I didn’t know it was possible for my dead state to feel this way.

I did not felt dead though. He wasn’t even giving me his magic, but it was like it was pouring from him, wrapping me up and giving me a share of the vibrating feeling I’ve missed for twelve years and only showed his head when I was around him.

Literally, in this situation. He felt incredible in my arms.

‘So,’ I said in a low voice, trying not too hard to break the bubble we were in, ‘you’ve thought about this for a while, you said?’

His heart sped up again and he pushed his cheek deeper in my shirt, whining softly. I smiled without a sound at the endearing embarrassed reaction.

‘Guess so,’ he said muffled. ‘S your own fault, though.’

‘And why is that if I may ask?’ I indulged his unfinished thought. He lifted his head, eyes tenderly scanning my chest, my throat, my lips, my eyes.

‘Since you couldn’t stop being the fit handsome snarky bastard you are,’ he grinned. Now it was my heart’s turn to race again.

‘You seem to get the hang of insulting and complimenting in one breath,’ I responded, hoping the effect of his words wasn’t too obvious shown on my face. He just shrugged. How he managed that while laying down is the miraculous mystery of Simon Snow.

‘You just proved my point, but ‘s okay. It’s you. And you make up for it by being the most helpful and softest vampire I know.’ His chin rested down, rumpling his forehead in his attempt to keep on looking at me. I wanted to smudge it out, soften his expression by clearing the wrinkles. Then I realised I could now, so I did. His eyes fell slightly closed at the touch and he released a small huff when I continued smoothing down his skin, his hair, his soft curls that winded themselves around my fingers.

‘You know that much vampires, Snow? Do you have a vampire kink I should know of?’ I raised my eyebrows in a mocking gesture, but it lost its effect thanks to my hands and tone. He rolled his eyes. ‘Not that I know of. But who knows,’ he added, ‘maybe you can persuade me.’ He winked at me with those blue meaningful eyes when I felt now for sure a blush creeping up. The implication of his words, of what we could do, of what _I_ could do… it was arousing and promising and _hot_. I gave up my attempts to keep up the flirting when we were now allowed to do what indulged just as much mouth but with fewer words. So I kissed him again. And again. 

Maybe that was why he was so good at this kissing thing.

I wondered what else he could do with those pouting red lips.

My thoughts drifted off to a place I should stay far away from after I was the one to ask to slow down. I groaned in his mouth and involuntarily shifted my hips, catching his leg between mine and feeling welcome friction. Simon pulled back and looked at me with a question in his eyes. I shook my head. ‘No, sorry, not what I meant. Just… it’s the logic in me speaking when I say we shouldn’t do that right now.’

His eyes shimmered mischievously. ‘So you do want to,’ he said in a low voice, raw from the kissing and emotions. I held back an embarrassing sound and said a little exasperated: ‘After that dirty talk? Crowley, if you were as good with spells as you seem to be at this, you would be truly frightening.’

He didn’t look offended at the slight jab - good, it wasn’t meant as an insult - and just lowered his head until right above mine. The fraction of inches were we shared the same air were too much and not enough. His hands slid up to my wrists and he lifted them up, bringing them around his body and made my fingers intertwine with each other on his back. I was a little confused at the smug expression he gave me, but then he guided my hands lower and lower until they were cupping his perfect round arse. My eyes went wide as I caught on, but he wasn’t done. Pushing them down, he made my hands grinding his crotch onto mine and there was no way I could hold back the hiss. I almost missed his own pleasured expression when I scrunched my eyes closed, so I quickly opened them again to not miss another fragment of the Snow Show before me. He once again gave my hands the push, combined with his own grinding and we both clenched our jaw at the feeling. The third time, I helped him by using my hands myself, gripping him easier, making him whine. After that, we united our forces to chase that feeling of horny teenager dry humping.

I should be disgusted with myself. Crowley, I wasn’t. I could die, but I didn’t want to, because there was no way heaven felt as good as this.

Simon slouched forward to press his mouth hard on mine, never losing the rhythm we were building and it was fire and explosions in the back of my throat and in the depts of my belly. His hands, freed from his task, were discovering my shoulders, cupping my head, gripping my hair in an excruciating way. Our sounds were swallowed up by each other, but I felt them. It riled me up even more, pushing him down harder and meeting his hips halfway. He stopped kissing in order to release the moan and it was so good, so extremely unholy good.

‘Fuck, Baz, you’re gorgeous,’ he panted and his eyes were so full of adoration I could not believe this was real. But it felt so real. I whimpered when he landed hard, seating himself and not moving at all. The pressure was firm and I wiggled instinctively to get more friction, but his hands and thighs were holding me tightly down, letting me know without words who was in control. It was a fantasy that was coming true right before my eyes and I felt the need to beg but gulped it down right on time. I didn’t even plan to get this far, let alone to act like we were having full sex. We both had our pants still on for Merlin’s sake. And for what would I beg? To give me what I wanted? And what was that? Coming _in our pants_? I tried to calm down and clear the fog in my head, telling myself that it was in the middle of a school day. If he really wanted to go on with this, I was pretty sure he would not say no when I wanted to continue this evening.

I gulped again and opened my mouth, partly to ask him to slow down again, but I only got out a strained ‘ _Simon’_ before he started to move his hips back and forth and in tights small circles. I lurched my head back and forget to form words. Instead, I made sounds I would rather forget.

If that git wasn’t planning on stopping this sinful act, I probably would forget everything I had ever learned.

His hands had loosened his grip, now gripping at my sides for support and I watched how he concentrated on me and the feeling and his balance. The light from behind him gave him the golden aura I had always imagined with him and it was so beautiful I had trouble staying in the present. He was now groaning in the rhythm of his moves and I felt myself following his plan, dropping my smarter intentions of making him stop, because how could I stop right now? I held on to his waist, rubbing small circles and he opened his eyes to watch me coming completely undone under him. And then he went even faster and harder and I hoped with all my heart that nobody would hear our noises and our unavoidable shouts at the end.

‘Baz,’ he gasped tightly between two desperate breaths.

‘Simon,’ I whimpered as my muscles tensioned and I felt a warmth growing. I dug my nails into his sides and that made him throw his head back and let out a choked scream that would follow me into my dreams. It was angelic and unbelievable and delicious and he kept going, guiding himself through his orgasm and bringing me to the point of no return. There was a light flash behind my eyes as I felt the pleasure blinding me and controlling the spasms of my body. I didn’t hear what sound I made, overwhelmed by the feeling that was giving me by Simon fucking Snow. I vaguely registered his lips on my neck as I had bared it by throwing back my head. It took me another minute to come back and met the dazed eyes of the gorgeous golden boy on me. His hair was messier than ever, his cheeks and lips so red it overtook my vision and after I had caught my breath, I strained my neck to crush him in the most passionate and love-filled kiss we had shared today.

He responded eagerly, but slow and sweet, deepening rather than speeding up and I lost myself again in how he did that. And then there was the smell. His sweat, mingled with his smoke and warm breath, accompanied by the new sensation of our come that should’ve disgusted me more than it did while we were still rocking against each other without purpose.

‘Glad we did it anyway?’ he asked with his eyes closed, never really leaving my lips. I wanted to come up with a witty remark, giving him a taste of his own medicine after his filthy mouth and bold behaviour, but I was too tired and full of love for this sexy moron.

‘Understatement,’ I eventually managed. I felt him grinning and I nipped shortly as some kind of petty revenge. He only grinned further.

We laid there for a while before I carefully searched for my wand, which was tossed around on the place where we had started and I murmured a **Clean as a whistle** on both of us. Two times, just to be sure.

‘I do hope that next time we can do it with a little fewer clothes though,’ Simon said as he glanced down and frowned slightly. I laughed breathless as I pulled him into an embrace, his face in my neck and bright with the hidden promise of a next time. His breath was hot against my now also warmed up skin and again, it felt so perfect I wondered how I had managed to survive all these last years without it. I guess I would not have if I had known how it really felt.

I guess I would not survive it if he decided after this, or in a couple of days or weeks or months to stop this after all.

Simon let out a sound and tilted his head to mine. ‘What ‘re you thinking ‘bout?’ he slurred and my heart clenched. I felt that my body that stiffened, giving away how my mood had changed. I didn’t answer immediately and Simon now looked a little worried. I couldn’t bear to look at him while asking such a vulnerable question, so I glanced at his chin and over his shoulder while asking with as little nerves as possible: ‘Are you sure you want to do this?’

He looked confused and I felt panic growing in my head. ‘What do you mean? What we just did?’

‘No. Or well, yes, eventually, but… this,’ and I cursed myself for stumbling. His mouth was open and he was watching me, making me want to shift uncomfortable and reaching for the wall that was supposed to protect me. His eyes darted nervously around my face when he saw I was closing off, trying to understand what I had not said out loud. It looked so helpless that I tried once more to explain it. ‘This. Us. Being… more than roommates.’

Understanding finally hit him and he sighed in a relieved way. ‘Oh, of course, yeah, I do… I want this, definitely…’ Then the roles were reversed and he became the nervous one. ‘Don’t you? Want this?’

I felt the urge to laugh, but I would sound like a maniac. It was a situation I had never imagined before, but here we were. Kissing in a fire, almost dying, getting each other off in our pants and then having a misunderstanding while I asked for more and he thought that I of all people would not want that.

‘You have no idea how much I want that,’ I said instead, emotion filling my voice and making clear what I could not say. What would scare him off if I would let him know what I thought about him, so fast after everything. That I loved him, with every ounce of my body. _Someday_ , I hoped.

He laughed reassured and brought his hand up to my face. I nuzzled my face in it, before turning my head and kissing it softly. Simon giggled, for Merlin’s sake, and it was so precious I wanted to lock it away in a private music box.

Then, his stomach started growling as if he had been deprived of food for years and I laughed out loud.

‘Come on, let’s get you fed. I don’t know how much time we have left, but you probably will have to show how good you are in stuffing up that glorious mouth of you.’

As soon as I had said that I loud, I realized how dirty that could sound. Simon caught on when it became clear from my face there could be a double meaning and he started smirking in a way that made me want to throw him down and do it all again, me leading this time. 

‘Wouldn’t you like to know,’ he purred seductively in a way I didn’t know was possible.

The blush and thoughts that started there and then did not went away for a long time.

Let him have the control. It seemed I was a hopeless bottom anyway.

Aleister Crowley, I was living a pathetic charmed life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There there, it happened ;)


	26. 26

**BAZ**

There’s nobody on the grounds when we come out (no pun intended) and I’m walking close enough to Snow to take advantage of the heat he radiates. It’s obvious that the autumn is evolving from an after summer to a pre-winter and my body does not agree with it. I’m always cold, thanks to my complexion, and it’s not that I can warm myself up in the sun for hours. We don’t go up in flames like the myths, or sparkle like this damned characters in those YA Normal books, but it’s not pleasant after a while. I’ve learned that the hard way.

I still shiver when a cold breeze blows in my face and whips my hair back. Snow takes notice and then grabs my hand in such a nonchalant way my heart squeezes its way out of my ribs. He flashes me a short smile and then seems to think of something. Before I can ask what in Merlin’s name he has come up with, I feel the endless galaxy coursing through my arm and body. My own magic reacts as if it has found his mate and the fire swirls inside me, warming me up in a powerful and exciting way, both from the magic and the emotions. I could not hold back the smile that takes over my face for my own life and he beams back at me as if I was the one who gave my holy magic away just to warm him up.

We walk further in silence and it feels like I am walking on fucking sunshine, which is just ironic since I’m a vampire and he is the fucking sun himself.

That comes to an abrupt and extremely unexpected halt when we end up before the giant doors of the Dining Hall. Snow stops walking and his hand gets stiff in mine, but I don’t think he notices. I peer down at him, still high from the connection but also painfully aware of how his face suddenly looks afraid.

‘Snow?’ I ask him, not sober enough to make sure my walls are up for the feeling that starts to rise in my chest. He snaps out of wherever his mind had gone and looks up at me, helplessness and a glint of panic decorating his features.

‘I… don’t know if… people are gonna stare,’ he says, dragging his bottom lip into his mouth. I stay silent as I try not to assume the worst possibilities of what he means by that.

‘Like… Are you, uhm… gay?’ he asks nervously. I blink surprised.

_Well, I’m not straight, am I? You just kissed me stupid and brought us off even when we kind off agreed to slow down._

‘Yes,’ I say slowly. ‘I thought that would be clear by now.’

‘Oh,’ he whispers, inspecting the ground as if it holds the mysteries of the world. There is a silence and I’m painfully aware that anyone could come out of the Hall any moment, seeing us holding hands in the most pathetic way. Not that I would care. It’s no one’s business if I’m gay or snog my roommate, also known as their saviour and my enemy. But Snow seems to care. And that hurts a little more than I had anticipated.

‘Are you not yet used to the idea of being gay?’ I pry for an answer. I feel his magic crawling away, making me a little more aware of our surroundings and the situation.

‘Well… uhm… I guess I did not even… I don’t even think that I’m… gay?’ he stumbles. I freeze and feel a stab of betrayal in my stomach. _Leave it to Simon bloody Snow to have a variant of sex with the one that adores him the most after confessing he had thought about it for a long time and still not being convinced he could be gay_ , I thought bitterly.

‘So, what’s this then? Figuring shit out?’ I spit, more venom than I intended to conceal the hurt. His head whips up at that and I finally see another emotion in his eyes than the dazed fear and worry. It’s panic. Which is not positive, but at least the reaction I had hoped my words would have.

‘What? No! No, Baz, argg I’m not… that’s not what I meant- I’m sorry I’m so shit at words,’ he growls, running his hand frustrated through his hair and not feeling how his fingers are slipping from my hand since he’s not holding it properly anymore.

‘Then pray, what did you mean?’ I sneer. I know I should not be this harsh after everything, but it’s a defence mechanism. And compared to other situations, I don’t even think I’m that unreasonable right now.

‘I mean that… gay means being into blokes… and I am! I think… I don’t know, I’ve only ever been into one bloke, so maybe it’s just you, but I don’t know if that’s an option? Like, do I have to be attracted to all blokes to be gay? ‘Cause I’m not, at all, and I did love Aggie-‘ he rambles. I don’t even know how to name every emotion that flashes through my body. Frustration at how he doesn’t make sense? Irritation at how he can’t even acknowledge that what we did was quite gay? Then a sudden shock of softness when I read between his words how I must’ve been his gay awakening, since he’s not attracted to other guys, but I settle on hurt as he mindlessly brings Wellbelove in this. And not even lightly. He casually uses the word 'love'.

My hand drops completely out of his, and I’m instantly my literal and figurative cold self. He stops talking and eyes me. His face pales as he sees me shooting icy daggers at him and he opens his mouth in an attempt to… I don’t know what he wants to do, but I don’t want to risk to get hurt even more, so I cut him off.

‘I don’t even know if I have to be angry or just pity your weak attempts to justify what we did by bringing up your golden relationship with your perfect hetero destiny princess. Aleister Crowley, Snow, just say it already when you don’t want to be seen with me. It’s not like we’re engaged or something.’ I’m keeping my cool while cursing him into the depths of hell, but a small part of me notices that my word choice betrays my feelings more than I would. Compared with the step I take back from him to keep a distance from the gravity he can wield on me without knowing, it’s a weak attempt to distract him from my emotions and focusing on his sexual crisis. His arms are now bouncing up and down in his panic and frustration to say what he means, but I hear no more than ‘that’s not what I meant’ and ‘it’s not that’ and ‘Baz, please, you know it’s not like that’.

‘I don’t, actually,’ I retort, folding my arms in a haughty posture, using the extra inches I have to look down at him. I know I’m being a dick. I know I’m not helping at all. I see how Snows face flares in anger when I use the trick I’ve always used to rile him up. But I can’t let it go. It’s too vulnerable, too personal, too new. Too unbelievable. I react on instinct by shutting him off since I’m a constant disappointment to myself.

‘What did you mean then? What goes on in that straight head of yours? Use your words, Snow,’ I hiss. His chest is heaving heavily from the control he tries to keep, but he finally snaps, spitting out a full sentence without a single layer of protection.

‘I’m not straight! How can I be fucking straight if I’m in fucking lov-‘.

His eyes lock with mine, wide, shocked, fearful and so so painfully honest. There’s a stream of white noise in my head, and dead silence at the same time. There is no way I could comprehend what he had just said.

There is no way I need to because he could not have possibly meant that.

Right?

His eyes are scanning my face, searching for a reaction, and I’m sure he did not found the neutral expression I am going for. His arms fall down, hand twitching to do something. He shakily breathes in and steps forward.

I step back.

I ignore how his face shatters and try to grab a single string in the whirl of my mind. This could’ve been a perfect moment. The only thing I have ever dreamed of since I had realized he meant more to me. But it could not be true. And it was too cruel, even for me.

‘If that’s true. If you…,’ my voice wavers as I try to say it, but the words escape me. ‘Then why don’t you want to enter the Hall with your hand in mine?’

I wince at the softness and heartbroken sound in my voice but keep watching him. I pray for strength, pray for a response that could fix this, pray that this is not over already, not when it could be the beginning of the only perfect thing in my life.

His eyes start to water, deep blue pools of emotions he can’t explain and I don’t understand. I want to hold him, comfort him, give him time to come to terms and say me what he wants.

He doesn’t even have to say it. He would just need to grab my hand and nod and I would melt. It was a hidden second chance to make it up by gathering courage and choosing it was worth it. That I was worth it.

But nobody can read that off from a face, and I did not say that out loud. So, we both stare at each other, miserable and in conflict of how to fix this. He drops his head and looks down at his sleeve, rubbing the inside of his arm as if it itches. I recognize the tick he had picked up somewhere and almost snap at him to concentrate, but then he starts whispering.

‘It’s not you. It’s just… people… are mean…’ his voice breaks and I feel my own eyes filling up at the sight. My demeanour softens since it is impossible to keep the indifference up. It’s as if I know what I need to do, but I don’t have the courage. Which is ridiculous, after what we did in our room and how emotional and in dire need of comfort we were. I try to let the pure and good side of me act and I step forward, focusing on the hope that flares up in his eyes. It gives me the extra push to fight and speak up.

‘I know. Unfortunately, I’m… a good example of that. But you’re not alone. You have me. And Bunce. And Crowley knows you have other friends who are not homophobic. We are in the twenty-first century and being queer is not that unique anymore.’

He looks like I was hypnotizing him, absorbing every gentle word to ease the uneasiness inside him. I wished I could do more for him, but this was a fight he had to do himself. I have always been confident in my sexuality and had no problem with accepting my future as the last Pitch heir that would ever exist. I stood my ground every time my father began about girls and did not fear the prospect of someone finding out I was gay. I was not announcing it in the papers, but I was not secretive either, and so I would have no problems to accept the judging eyes of our schoolmates. But now that I had cooled down a little, I was realistic enough to know that not everybody was as aware of their sexual orientation as early as me, needing more time to settle down.

It was just unfortunate that Simon had not thought about that before I got my hopes up and kissed those heavenly lips and that long showy neck of his.

For a moment, I think I had convinced him to give it a shot and that it doesn’t matter what others think. I could see how he imagined our entrée and how nobody would give us shit, leaving us to ourselves and our happily ever after. I feel a small smile tugging at my lips, hoping it would calm him further and showing him it was all okay, as long as we stood together.

Then, the expression fades away into a washed-up version of the earlier fear, filled up by sadness that crushes my heart again. He closes his eyes and lowers his head, pulling the sleeve further over his hand and balling the fabric in his clenched fists.

‘I’m so sorry… I can’t,’ he croaks. His magic was fizzling, charged with electricity and burning need and it was as if I could see how it was turning against him, probing and poking him for his weak decisions. His shoulders were tense and slumping down with the seconds and even though I felt like sleeping for five years, crying my eyes out if my body allowed it and whaling in self-pity, there was no way I could leave him like this.

I lean forward, dizzy of the smell that surrounded him, and press a featherlight kiss on his curls. I leave my lips there a little longer than necessary, desperate to keep him closer to me, feeling him stiffen and then soften under me. I pull back and catch his eye.

He wants this too. I encourage myself to believe that. To accept that what he had said was not meaningless. But for a relationship to work, if that was what we were heading to, both parties needed to be sure to make it work. It would not end well if we rushed things as we had done half an hour ago, and I did not want to waste the chance I had after all these years. There was a time and a place for everything.

‘Come to me when you can,’ I answer him, soothing the tension between us, hoping he would realize this does not have to be the end. Then, I turn around and walk to the classroom of my first lesson way too early, reliving the bittersweet memories. For the first time in my life, I don’t destroy the hope that caught fire in me and I relish in the feeling of the leftovers of his magic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A kiss cannot fix your fears... Baz can comfort him as much as he can, but it's Simon's fight to become okay with everything.


	27. 27

**PENNY**

I had half a mind to save some food for Simon since I had no intention to let him blame his lack of concentration this afternoon on him missing dinner. Although maybe he would blame it on Basil.

Nothing new under the sun, it seems. Food and Basil, the two greatest obsessions in his life.

They were taking longer than I had hoped or expected and at the same time, I had already prepared myself for them not returning to class at all. So, I was half surprised when Simon’s magic filled the room and I saw him walking in a dazed stroll to his seat.

That did not bode anything good, I internally sighed. Those two could fill seasons and seasons of a cheap dramatic soap opera.

It’s not that I don't take his problems seriously, but sometimes I guiltily thought that I understood why Agatha had detached herself a little more from him. He had so many emotions and his life goes so fast from extremely bad to excitingly good and then back the other way that you can easily get a whiplash. Which was not his fault, nor the problems it gave me or how involved I became, but I had wished dozens of times that life would go easier on him. He had a hard youth, has a difficult time with school, his magic, his roommate ‘archnemesis’ and the future did not look bright either when there were tasks like ‘ _win the war’_ and ‘ _save the world_ ’. If he would just get these little certainties in life, like a stable relationship to fall back on beside the support that I would always give him, it would make both our lives easier to carry. Agatha was not that person for him, and that’s fine. Neither came out broken and not everyone meets The One from the first time… but after figuring out Simon’s feelings for Basil, I thought back of every other interaction between them, their words and reactions and it just… fitted. Especially now that Basil seemed more relaxed and less vigilant or vicious. I just hoped that maybe Basil could fill in that role. Honestly, if there was someone who could handle Simon, it would be him. That was clear after all those years of stalking and pranking.

Guess that did not go without a hitch either, I sighed tiredly as he slumped down and began to load his plate with things I had set aside from him. He moved robotically and his eyes were empty and confused. There was not much time left and for a moment, I wanted to let him be and just not let myself get in with whatever it was this time, but I immediately felt the guilt making its way up. I had promised this morning I would help him through life.

Was that only this morning? God, some days had the length of an eternity.

‘I know it’s a dumb question that I normally avoid with every strength that my mother gave me by giving me birth, but… are you okay?’ I asked, cringing at how bad I was at this. He was slouching over the table, leaving crumbs everywhere as usual and playing with his fork while chewing. He did not look up but was searching for words he could not find. Simon never said he was not okay, so when he left out a ‘ _yeah, I’m fine’_ on that question, things were bad.

‘Did you two talk after I left?’ I popped another question, hoping it was an easier one. He nodded, but not very convinced and a slight blush appeared as he seemed to think of something. I was now a bit lost. If they had talked and done some more (I firmly did not think about that), then why did he seemed so defeated? Did something happen after that?

‘Have you… told him how you feel?’ I tried carefully. I did not want to ask too sensitive questions, but he did not give me a lot to work with. Simon nodded again and did not seemed very embarrassed, so that must’ve gone well.

‘And does he reciprocates them?’ _Please, let me come closer to the core of the problem_ , I pleaded to anyone who would listen. He stopped chewing and dropped his fork, nodding again, vaguely accompanied with a smile.

I had no idea what to do. But it was for sure that I knew, thanks to Simon, that I would never go for the job of a psychologist. My respect for those heroes rose extremely high.

‘Then please tell me what the problem is?’ I half asked him with an exasperated tone. The longer he kept silent, the harder it became to stay the patient friend. I knew I was not cut out for this, and I would never keep it up for someone other than him, but even though I was a mage (and a damned good one if I dare say), I was not a mind reader or a fairy tale fey with a nonsense spell for everything.

The smile on his face was wavering, showing the thin line between laughing and crying and he put his head in his hands. ‘I fucked up, Penny.’

I had to strain my ears but thankfully understood him from the first time. ‘What happened?’

For a moment it seemed that he would not answer at all again, and I was about to give up when he took a deep breath and collected himself. There was a shiny layer in his eyes, but his cheeks remained dry.

‘We had talked. And then we kissed. And we went a little further than that. And everything was fine, better than fine, we were both into it and it was so soft and I was so happy that it was happening and I thought I would never want to stop, but then we were heading out to eat and we were holding hands and we were about to enter and… I couldn’t, Penny.’ He was rambling and I casted a quick **There’s nothing to see here** when other students were starting to get too intrigued by what was happening.

‘And he asked if I was ashamed to be seen with him, and I said no, but it wasn’t really because it was him, but because he was a guy- no, that’s not it either, I’m not ashamed of it, but I only said that I wasn’t gay and he thought I was using him but I’m not! And I’m not gay! That just… doesn’t sound right, for me, it’s… and then he was pulling back and I thought that I fucking did it. That I had fucked up the only thing I had pinned after for the last years, even though I had realized it only a few weeks ago, but then he hugged me and left, but he wasn’t mad anymore but… he did not look back and it hurt, fucking hell it hurts.’ His hands were pulling at his hair and his words were loaded with devastating emotions. I was glad he was talking, answering my question, but I still felt like I did not saw the problem. Simon was being Simon, bad at expressing himself and choosing a bad time to blurt out the wrong thing. He’s not always like that, but when it comes to Basil…

‘So, everything went fine until you realized you weren’t ready to come out in public?’ I tried to summarize, covering his hand in a hopefully comfortable way when he dropped it on the table. ‘And he was mad that you weren’t ready?’

‘No, no, I mean, yeah, in the beginning, but I don’t think at the end. He said that I was not alone if someone would give me shit, and I believe him, but the idea… it felt too harsh and life-changing and I panicked. And I think he wants to give me time, but it is… it’s not…’

I turned my palm into his to squeeze his hand, and he squeezed back a lot harder.

‘It’s what?’ I asked softly. I wanted him to say it out loud. Not for me, but for him. If it was out and in the open, he would know what he wanted, and then he had to act to get it which was easier for him than thinking. ‘What do you want?’

‘I want him,’ he blurted out. His mouth was set in a hard line and he stopped talking as if he did not expect to be this blunt, but it made place for a determent glint. ‘I know now that I can have him, but I had not prepared myself to come out today and acted in panic. And I realized my mistake as soon as I saw him walking away from me.’

I stayed quiet. He looked sure of himself. But his hand was still squeezing mine in a hard grip.

‘Are you sure you are already there? To come out, I mean. You just said you were panicking at the thought alone. And if I hear you explain the situation, Basil is willing to wait for you.’ At least I hoped I had understood that right, but seen the circumstances and the evidence in the past, I think I was right. ‘You don’t have to rush such decisions if you’re troubled about it. This is about you.’

His magic had calmed down after his outburst, and now he looked calmer but still a little on the edge. He smiled at me, more genuine this time and I smiled back in relief.

‘I know. And I guess I’m still incredibly nervous. But… he was right when he said I wasn’t alone. I have him, I have you, I don’t think Aggie would turn her back to me and… wouldn’t there be more people in Watford gay, or bi or whatever? I mean, Trixie and Keris are girlfriends, so they would help,’ he summed up. I hated to admit it, but he was right about Trixie. I did not like her as a roommate, and we were not friends in the slightest, but she had her heart in the right place and would step up loudly and with a lot of glitters to defend the LGBTQ rights, including Simon. She liked him. He had always been kind to her.

‘I guess I have to approach it as I would do in a fight. Just… full force and without thinking,’ he grinned, knowing that I did _not_ appreciate that approach in a fight where he could die.

‘That’s what pushed you over the line? That you know that we would defend you? I had sincerely hoped you already knew that’, I mocked him gently.

‘Yeah, I should’ve known. It just all happened pretty fast and… I needed that reminder. I’m not alone now.’ He breathed in deep and looked like a weight dropped off his shoulders. He rubbed his hands and arms together as if he was cold and croaked me a smile. I frowned slightly when I caught on that he has said ‘ _not now’_. I had always had his back. Did he mean before he came to Watford? I shook my head when he started talking again.

‘Thanks Penny. I have no idea what I would do without you,’ he admitted and it sounded so pure it filled my heart with love for him. I was glad and kind of proud of myself for pushing my boundaries and patience to comfort him and be there when he needed me. I had admitted to myself years ago that it was hard for me sometimes, but I had always believed that if the roles were reversed and I was him, he would do the same for me. He deserved it since he had been beaten down by life so many times and he still came out more than okay. Kind, brave, full of perseverance.

‘I love you too, Simon,’ I smirked back. ‘And I wouldn’t know either.’ He slapped me lightly on the hand that was holding him and I laughed, glad that the mood had changed and that we could joke again.

I checked the time and told him we should go if we didn’t want to be late and he followed me out the Hall, walking steadier than before. I glanced aside and watched him secretly. He was clearly thinking stuff over but didn’t seem too bothered anymore and I felt proud of him. I knew how strong Simon was and that he could overcome everything they threw at him, but he had scared me this semester with his changed attitude and bottled up feelings.

I should’ve known better. This was Simon Snow we were talking about.

___

When I entered the classroom I had for the fifth period that I didn’t share with Simon, I saw Basil sitting at his usual table. He was looking out the window with a bored expression, but his posture seemed less proud to me than other times. Maybe it was because he had changed these last weeks. Maybe it was because he was thinking of what had happened today.

I found myself walking towards him and caught his attention when I placed my hands on his desk. He looked surprised, but smiled politely, although a little tense. It confirmed my suspicions.

‘Basil. I’m going to be quick because we both don’t need sugar coating and emotional declarations. I know what happened,’ I paused to let my words have their effect and his eyes widened a little. For some reason, I knew he would blush right now if he could, but it seemed that being a vampire had his perks now and then to keep it cool. I raised my eyebrow and took a guess when I said: ‘No, I probably don’t know _everything_ ,’ and he seemed more embarrassed, so I was right that he was thinking of his more… sensual adventures with Simon. I kept a straight face to keep his attention on the conversation.

‘I know you like him,’ I said straightforward, and only when he avoided my gaze as if he got caught, I dared to continue, ‘and you should know that Simon likes you too.’ His head snapped back, the emotions that flashed over his face were more than I had ever seen on his face the entire time I knew him and I relaxed.

It was alright. Basil was not a villain. He was not playing with Simon.

‘I support you two and only mean to help when I say that I will hex your balls off if you hurt him and that you two really need to learn to communicate. Simon is a barrel full of emotions and he needs to learn how to handle them. That means patience from the ones around him, which includes you now. I truly enjoy debating with you and you have the honour of being my third friend ever,’ I said and he snorted at that but did not interrupt me, ‘so take this advice by heart: don’t give up when things go a little rough. You two are good for each other when you help and support one another, and Simon had a rough couple of months. Not only in school, but I think his summer was worse than in other years. Coming out is another big thing, so things keep being piled up. If you truly like him, you know what I’m talking about when I say I don’t want him to get hurt, which means that you have to promise me you will not lead him up and keep that snarky mouth of yours in control until things get at least a little more stable. As long as we are clear on that, I have your back whenever you need me. Am I understood?’

He was looking at me like he had never seen me before, but there was no malice in his searching gaze. He hadn’t said a word the whole time but was clearly listening and when he opened his mouth, I was sure I had never heard him so earnest.

‘Loud and clear.’

I believed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go Simon! Go Penny!  
> She has so much patience, it's unbelievable :D


	28. 28

**SIMON**

I was nervous and anxious and constantly rubbing at the memories of the wounds on my arm. I knew I was talking myself into fear, letting past and angst catch up with me, but it was hard to concentrate on something else once you got into the spiral. Technically, I was aware there wasn’t anything to be afraid of.

I was not the only one who was attracted to the same gender.

I did not need to call myself gay if I wasn’t comfortable with it and if there were other names.

Baz had kissed me back… he liked me back…

I was not alone. Not anymore. Not like this summer. Here, I had friends and a reputation and even if it was crappy, I had my magic. I was not helpless.

Still, the words did not consume my brain as the fear did, and I found myself twitching on my chair in every class, making the students close to me dizzy with my magic. I concentrated on calming down. I counted to two hundred, I copied the notes from the teacher, I doodled soothing things (no surprise there, dozens of grey eyes and a smile with two pointing fangs). But as soon as class was over, I ran out of the room and heard the relieved sighs from my classmates behind me. I forgot about it as soon as I ran away.

Because now, I shared a class with Baz.

Halfway my frantic run, I stopped and walked slower and slower until I stood still in the middle of the hallway. Nerves got the best of me and the negative thoughts bumbled through my head.

_Are you sure you want to enter that room and feel the disappointment of his gaze on you? You treated him like you liked him, but acted as if you were ashamed to be seen with him. You hurt him. That’s not how a relationship works. You need to show affection. But oh well, you weren’t a good boyfriend to Agatha either, so you’re probably used to it. As soon as Baz sees he can get better, he won’t wait for you. Why should he?_

I gulped and pressed the guilt and doubt down. Penny had said he liked me back. Hell, his kisses and hands and the sound of my name in his mouth as I let him come said he at least liked being with me. That he wasn’t against whatever we had. It was now my turn to show him, no, to tell him that I wanted it too. I was going to step into the classroom and give him a meaningful smile in front of everybody and when class was over I would walk him to his last lesson, saying that I had not meant it like that and acted in panic before.

He would smile back. A real smile, the one he had given me in our room when we were tangled together and he would search for my hand, asking if this was okay then. And I would not answer, but just let my palm slide over his cool fingertips, further down, until they were clasped together and I would be red without doubt, and people would stare and-

_People will stare and comment and laugh and insult you and him and they will follow you and harass you and him, but he can save himself because he’s a perfect mage and a bloody vampire. Doesn’t mean he likes to be a target though, so he’ll decide it isn’t worth it. It’s easier to be with someone who doesn’t attract so many problems. One of the reasons why Agatha has left you, isn’t it?_

Someone bumped into my side while I was on the verge of another spiral, letting me see I was in the way of the flow of students who were on their way to their last but one lesson. Like I should be. But the moment I started walking, I heard my name behind me.

‘Simon!’ the Mage called me, letting everyone know he was there and he wanted to see me. There were small snickers around me as well as irritated groans from a group of Old Families children. I felt a little embarrassed at the open confrontation, especially since he was one of the last I would like to see after our recent missions, but who was I to say what I liked or did not like?

‘Sir,’ I greeted him when he caught up with me. I had found a small clear space on the side of the hallway, but he clearly didn’t care if he held up the others by standing in his wide posture in the middle. His green clothes and pointed moustache were so outstanding and not in sync with the whole picture that it was almost laughable. Maybe if I was looking from the outside, I would laugh. But in this situation, I was the one he was watching with a demanding gaze.

‘Normally, I would send a bird to tell you I need you to come to my office, but it’s an urgent matter and I did not want to take the risk you would not get the message,’ he said, making me uncomfortable with the direct eye-contact. ‘I want you to come outside after your last lesson. You’ll see me at the gates. We have another important mission waiting for us.’

I hoped the despair and frustration were not openly visible on my face, but it was almost impossible to hold it down. What in Merlin’s name was this for a day? I needed to talk to Baz, as soon as possible and preferably in private. But no, I was being swept away by my I-only-talk-to-you-when-I-need-you-mentor and I couldn’t even say no.

‘Is there a problem?’ he asked. It was a rhetorical question and he was clearly not interested in the truth.

‘No, sir,’ I answered. ‘But I’m going to be late for class now.’

‘Just tell them I held you up if they ask you,’ he said, gesturing with his hand to show I could go. I slightly bowed my head in reflex as a goodbye and then walked away with a pressing feeling on my chest. My apology-plan hadn’t even started yet and it was already interrupted. I heard teachers starting their lesson in the classrooms I passed, letting me know I really was late, meaning I could not catch Baz. It would have to wait.

I dragged my feet forward and tried to keep calm. There was nothing lost, I still had every time of the world. It had only happened this afternoon.

I wondered in the back of my head if this went too fast. It did not feel like it, in fact, nothing had ever felt more right, but we went from nothing to everything to an immediate conflict since we skipped the actual talking.

I had no idea how to talk to him. How to explain what kept me from going inside and revealing something I had only recently discovered about myself after suppressing a lot of memories. But he deserved an explanation. He deserved more than the half-hearted attempts of me to keep him on my side. I wanted to go for it and give him everything I could give, but I was vaguely aware that I wouldn’t be so brave once I stood before him. Maybe there was a spell to make me think less and just say what needed to be said? I should ask Penny. Or maybe Baz himself. I wanted to focus first on explaining everything to one person. Getting used to forming the thoughts into normal sentences. Something I’d never done these last months because I don’t want to think about it at all.

But I need to. And I will.

I opened the door of my classroom and excuse myself with a murmured ‘Sorry, the Mage held me up’ to the teacher before sliding down into my chair. The students never looked up anymore when I came in late, but I felt one pair of eyes on me and my heart sped up in anticipation. I lifted my head and locked eyes with him. There was no anger in his gaze, no disgust, only a hidden smile and a slight hint of concern. His hair was still framing his face, impossible loose after everything that had happened since he had slicked it back this morning. The morning where we had no idea what was going to happen. His clothes looked as proper as ever though. Probably due to an ironing spell he had mastered in his young years to appear as posh as possible on Old Family meetings. Damn it, he was such a lovely arse.

It felt like he was asking if everything was okay and it made my heart feel like exploding. What did I do to deserve this?

I gave him a half-smile and a small wave to assure him I was okay, hoping that was what he meant. He kept his face in control, so I had no idea what he thought about me or about what had happened, but I felt my muscles relax when he nodded back and I could finally see the corner of his mouth creep up just a little bit. I hadn’t even felt how tense I was.

I stumbled over my own feet in my haste to clean up my desk and catch up with Baz in the hallway. Even when I’m not concentrated on the lesson and only look at and think of him, I manage to miss noticing class was almost over, leaving the whole tidying up until the last minute. But when I entered the hall and looked in the direction he went, I saw he wasn’t that far away. Hope blossomed up at the thought that he intentionally slowed down for me to catch up, so I quickly ran up to him and fell in the same step. He watched me from the corner of his eye but didn’t say anything.

‘Hi,’ I breathed, slightly out of breath, half from my haste and half from my nerves.

‘Hello,’ he said back. It sounded so normal I had, again, no idea what to think. But as long as he wasn’t sneering or shouting or insulting me or my unborn children, we were good.

Wait a sec, if I was into guys… Children were off the table.

 _Don’t be stupid, Simon. It’s the twenty-first century, there are more than enough ways to get a child in a gay relationship_ , Penny’s voice yelled in my head. Sometimes I suspected her from casting her advice into my brain to pop up when necessary. Like a little handy Penny for emergencies. The thought was rather comforting, instead of creepy, but I decided to never say that out loud. I guess those are the things that sound better in your head. I just hope that it would help when I was fighting the Humdrum too. But maybe it only worked for situations where she would know too what to do? In the end, we both had no clue what to do with the Humdrum.

‘Did you wanted to say something?’ Baz voice cuts through my thoughts. I shook my stupid ideas about children and handy Pennys away and watched how Baz’s eyebrow rose in a mocking gesture. Still, it did not feel like he was really mocking me. This was just how things went between us. For the first time, I could really let go of the stress, giving the thought that ‘things weren’t doomed’ a chance.

‘Yeah, sorry, uhmm… I guess I want to talk to you?’ My right hand was tangled in my curls, doing _something_ to seem less awkward.

‘You guess?’ he inquired.

‘No, yes, I mean- I want to talk to you.’

‘What, right now?’ he turns to me, but keeps walking to whatever direction he needs to go.

‘No, no, after our lessons or so. You have your last one now?’ I tried to ask as normally as possible. Relax. No stress. Just a normal conversation between two guys who made out and brought each other to orgasm only two hours ago.

‘Yes… Just like almost any other day,’ he slowly said, which was a funny answer to my thoughts, but his tone suggested that that was something I was supposed to know.

Well, okay, I did know his schedule by heart, but that was beside the point.

‘Okay, cool, then… eh, meet me in our room afterwards?’ I asked. He looked amused for some reason but didn’t comment on what he thought or saw, which I was grateful for. He just nodded in confirmation and then stopped walking. I quickly came to a halt, looking around to see what was wrong, but saw nothing except for students who sometimes gave us curious glances.

‘What’s wrong?’ I asked, frowning slightly up at him. His entire face was now radiating amusement and confused me.

‘I don’t know, you tell me. And when you’re done, I’m going to enter the classroom your blocking,’ he retorted with a smirk. My face heated up for the Merlin knows how many time that day and I wished I could just erase the last five minutes and start again, less embarrassing this time.

‘Oh,’ I said weakly and I stepped aside. His eyes followed me, but it was softer than I would’ve expected and it made my heart race against my ribs. When he stepped forward to walk into the open door, he brushed my arm and scanned my face in a fraction of a second. I hoped I did not imagine how he fixed his eyes a little longer on my lips.

‘See you in an hour then,’ he said softly and he slid into the room, leaving me with his scent and the memory of his touch. My brain needed some seconds to realize that I was grinning like an imbecile beside the door of a class I didn’t even attend and I quickly ran off in the complete opposite direction to my last lesson. Needless to say, I was too late and couldn’t remember a word of what the teacher had said when I made my way upstairs to our room an hour later.

I sat down on my bed, then stood up again and walked over towards my closet, only to get back to my bed because I didn’t need anything from my closet. I forced myself to sit down again, but I got nervous from my own movements and indecisions so the back of my mind provided me with the idea to practice some sword-wielding for the next few minutes.

Of course, if I had been a little more patient, I wouldn’t be standing with my sword outstretched to the door the moment Baz came in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Simon's internal in-between thoughts about children and having baby's with Baz is just so iconic though :)  
> But! Let's! Talk! Again!


	29. 29

**BAZ**

I was probably just as nervous as Snow was, taking his stammers in the hallway and the smell of his magic in the staircase into account, but I was a much better actor than him and prepared my face to stay neutral and confident.

I must say that I immediately failed when I opened the door and almost felt the tip of his sword against my chest.

I jumped back in reflex and let out a sound of disbelief. ‘Snow!’ I exclaimed, and it sounded more hurt than I intended. I watched how his face contorted in horror and he immediately dropped the sword. Literally. I winced at the sharp cling of the metal on the stones and he stooped down to pick it up before he made it vanish in the air right before my eyes. I had seen it a thousand times before, the appearing and vanishing, but it still gave him an air of extreme power and he didn’t even know it.

‘Sorry, sorry, that was _not_ what was supposed to happen,’ he almost yelled. He was waving with his hands to emphasize his words while half bouncing on his feet. It looked ridiculous, but he was so damned pure that I wanted to calm him down.

‘Really? You weren’t supposed to go against the anathema by piercing me on your sword after everything that happened?’ I asked disbelieving with my arms crossed protectively over my chest, but now that I knew he was just a complete idiot and not an avenging crush, I was mostly amused. I made my way to my bed and he followed me with his eyes, big and round and adorable.

‘No! No, Baz, I swear, please, I wasn’t… I was just waiting and I didn’t know how long you would take so I thought it was a good idea to practice a little to focus on something else but apparently that was not a good idea-‘ he rattled. I raised my hand at him and said in a gentler tone: ‘Easy, Simon. I know it wasn’t like that. I was just surprised for a second.’

He shut his mouth and looked at me with a wave of relief in his eyes. Slumping down on his bed, he murmured something like ‘thank Crowley’ and then moved his legs so his knees were touching mine. Although we were both sitting on the absolute end of our bed, as close as possible to one another, it still showed how close our beds were in our small room. And then they say we had one of the bigger rooms. _Can you imagine I had to live in an even smaller one with my imbecile crush for all these years?_

‘So. Here I am,’ I said as an indication for him to start. He was biting on his cheek and lip, making them red and slightly thicker.

‘Uhm, yeah… okay, so, I need to talk to you, and Penny said so too,’ he said, at which I raised my eyebrow, remembering how Bunce had told me she knew about us, but not _‘everything’_ when she must’ve read some embarrassment on my face. ‘But you know I’m not very good with words, so… could you… you know,’ his voice faded, insecure about what he was supposed to do. I nudged his knee with mine to show him I was listening and that he could take his time. No idea if he understood the deeper sentiment in that, but he breathed in and then blurted out: ‘I’m not gay.’

For a second, I wanted to bolt. It was exactly what I had feared and it smacked me hard in the face to hear those words out loud. It was almost synonymous for saying _‘I’m sorry, no homo, I didn’t mean it like that, please don’t expect the wrong thing now, it was just an experiment’_. But then why all the effort? And the reactions when I touched him?

‘I mean, that just doesn’t sound right for me. It doesn’t feel right,’ he went on, oblivious to my panic. ‘Penny said I could be bisexual, and maybe that’s the word, but how am I supposed to know? It’s all pretty new. So, I’m sorry if I can’t… uh, put a name on it.’

I immediately felt myself relax with relief when he did not apologise for what had happened and he must’ve read that sentiment because he looked slightly confused.

‘That’s okay,’ I said, ‘I don’t know anyone else who’s gay, so I can only speak for myself when I say that I just knew. But I’ve read enough online to know it’s not the same for anyone.’

‘Yeah, Penny said something like that. It’s just that I never had that much free and private Internet time, or anyone to ask. Not that I would ask it. I didn’t even know I liked guys… or well, you, before I realised I fancied you. For probably longer than I can imagine.’

His words almost brought a gigantic smile on my face, but I kept it in control and absorbed him as he sat there. He wasn’t looking at me while he talked, but that did not surprise me. This was very personal and extremely out of his comfort zone. What did surprise me was how he was looking at his forearms. Again. Mindlessly clawing at his skin, as if he saw something he wanted gone. It was a variant of how he always rubbed at it since the beginning of the semester and there was a small instinct that told me I shouldn’t let it go. Not now, while we were having this conversation. So I didn’t think when I reached out and grabbed his wrists in a firm gesture. He looked slightly stunned and was breathing through his mouth. I felt it grazing my face, but we weren’t close enough to fully feel it.

‘What is it with you and your wrists this year?’ I asked not unfriendly. He clearly had to think about that, his face puzzled.

‘What d’ya mean?’

‘I don’t know, it’s just like you have this new tick where you constantly rub your wrists and the inside of your forearms. Does it itch? Is it your magic in a new form or something?’ I tried to guess. My thumb was circling on his skin, which was not completely intentional, but I saw the goosebumps appear together with a blush, so of course, I went on. I travelled my hands lower until they were cupping his hands and I gave him a small squeeze when he opened his mouth but nothing came out.

It was a very pretty and very distracting mouth, I daresay, but this was not the time.

‘I…’ he started, voice tight and more anxious than I imagined. He was looking for words but clearly lost in whatever was going on in that head of him. Abruptly, a sense of discomfort and worry showed his head and I remembered something else Bunce had said. _I think his summer was worse than in other years._ Then I thought of how I had seen him in the first weeks, not eating enough and far more distant than any other years. How he had nightmares from the beginning. How he was tired and jittery and constantly even more behind in school than usually. The feeling grew with every second he didn’t talk and I hoped I imagined how his hand started to shake almost invisible. What could’ve happened with the Mage over summer that had scarred him this much?

‘Simon?’ I asked, ever so silent. He took in a sharp breath and tried to collect himself.

‘There were… I had cried and I shouldn’t have. It’s asking for trouble,’ he mumbled distracted and I shuffled closer, almost falling off the bed. I wished I could sit beside him.

_Why not? He likes you, doesn’t he?_

I sat beside him on his bed and turned him to me. He wasn’t with me for a full hundred per cent, but he did come more to himself when I looked him in the eye.

‘Why shouldn’t you have cried?’ I asked encouragingly.

‘It’s some kind of unspoken rule. Nothing official, but you’ll learn it on your own… or by other people making the mistake.’ His shoulders were slumped forward and I wished he would keep looking at me, but eye contact can be pretty intense.

‘What do you mean, mistake? And who are the others?’

‘The other boys, of course. It’s all about who’s in charge and who’s stronger and even without using my magic, they still feel I’m different.’

I was now pretty lost. In what mission did he have to play some game with other boys without magic? Why was he with Normals?

And then something clicked.

‘I just want to make sure I understand everything from the start,’ I said as calm as possible. ‘Where were you this summer?’

Now he did look up, only to search my face for some kind of sign I was joking. I was not, but I wish I was.

‘A boys care, of course. Where else?’ he said, not really asking. First, I felt confusion, but it was quickly replaced by anger. Pure, hot, white raging anger.

‘Why for Aleister Crowley’s sake would the Mage keep you in care?’ I asked, keeping the grumble out of my tone, but my body language was enough. Plus, he knew me enough to pick up the signs. Most of the times. Now was one of those times.

‘He says it’s to keep me close to the language. He can’t let me stay at Watford, can he?’ he said as if that was reason enough.

‘I thought you went with him when you’re not at Watford,’ I bristled. ‘Isn’t he your guardian for a reason?’ He winced and glanced shortly at our hands. I was holding him way too tight and loosened my grip immediately, but I did not let go.

‘No, I’ve never been with him aside from missions. And he didn’t adopt me or anything, just gave me some kind of scholarship when he found out about me. But that’s not the point-‘

‘Isn’t it? Weren’t you just going to tell me how you went through shit this summer, and probably a lot of other summers if I can assume that from how you return every time like someone who hasn’t eaten for months? Even if he didn’t adopt you, he should take care of you or find a reasonable place to go. You shouldn’t even have been in care in your youth, let alone after he found you.’ I know I’m talking too loud and that this is not what he needs right now, but it’s just not fair. How can he not see that? That he deserved better, that the Mage does him no good and feeding him bullshit instead of food?

‘It is shit, I know that, okay?’ he snapped harshly. ‘But being the Chosen One, being me, has never been a super-duper funny party, huh? Spending youth in care, exploding and burning up one, getting paired up with someone who hated me,’ he counted off and I flinched at this point, but he went on, ‘never even succeeding in being a mage, even though I’m supposed to be the best due to some stupid prophecy, because I can’t talk like a normal person. Getting dragged off to dangerous missions without getting explained for what, sometimes getting picked on by other students because it’s irritating as hell to be in class with me, trying to make the best of what I have even though I love it here, but then at the end, I got send back as some sick thank you for everything. The only one I had by my side no matter what, was Penny, and sometimes, I even feel like I’m too much for her but that she is just too goddamn good to leave me. I try, Baz,’ he said, exhaustion dripping from his syllables, ‘I really do. But it’s never enough.’

There were tears in his eyes, but he tried to fight them while clenching his jaw so tight it must hurt.

I think I was doing the same.

The silence was ringing after his words and I’ve never felt so bad and guilty for how he must’ve suffered in all these years. He did not deserve this. I did not deserve him, or his forgiveness. I dropped his hands and wished I could just leave, but I couldn’t. It would be selfish and rude and cowardly. And not what he deserved. For once in my life, I wanted to do something that he deserved. Starting with apologies I’ve never really given before.

‘I’m so sorry.’ It came out as a whisper. I heard him open his mouth, but I kept talking. ‘I have the excuse of the Old Families and the war and how we were supposed to be enemies, but after all is said and done, I’ve always been a jerk. Especially to you.’

‘It’s not-‘

‘Please, I have to say this,’ I interrupted him, ‘it’s the least. I know it sounds stupid, after what you said, that I only do this now… But, for what it’s worth, I never truly hated you. I’ve hated how you made me feel, and how powerful you were without doing anything, and how good and golden and honourable and brave you were- no, are, while I was supposed to be the dark evil vampire and the villain to bring you down. But I’ve been more cruel than necessary. I’ve always been on my worst and… I’m sorry that I was that extra burden you had to carry beside all that other misery.’ My voice was hoarse, but I refused to cry. I was not the one who was supposed to cry. I was here to help Simon, and I wanted to be there for him. For as long as he let me.

Instead of all that, I felt him lifting himself up and before I knew, he had thrown his arms around me. It felt like coming home. Like safety and soft love. Like something that I was not supposed to have, but felt too good to let go. I brought my own arms up and circled his waist, at which he only pulled me closer until there was no space between us. His chest was rising against mine and his warmth seeped into my cold body, settling in my stomach, in my lungs, in my heart.

‘I’ve never been good to you either, you know,’ he said in a conceding way. His breath was in my neck and I had to concentrate on not closing my eyes. ‘We’ve both played a large role in our history. I’ve been following you and outing you for the majority of my free time here in Watford, accusing you of plotting in every possible moment, including you brushing your teeth.’

I snorted as I recalled some ridiculous moments where he had seen a possibility for me to plot his demise. I never had privacy with Snow as my rival, but to be fair, he wasn’t completely unreasonable to be so precautious around me. I had done a great deal to hurt him. Most of those attempts unfortunately intentionally. I said so to him.

‘Yeah, can’t say anything to that,’ he admitted as he retreated. He kept his face close to mine and was very clearly focused on my mouth. His hands glided from my back to my sides and I closed my eyes instinctively to cherish the feeling.

‘But,’ he continued, and I opened them again, only to stare right at his lips as he breathed his words, ‘for some reason, too many things happened the last few weeks and days and hours to make me care about a past where we were both even more stupid than we are now.’

On other times, I would’ve laughed at that verdict, but it died in my throat when he came even closer. ‘You’re amazing, Baz, and it’s too bad I didn’t figure this out earlier. That we didn’t work this out before. But we have it now, so please, don’t let the past stop that.’ And then he closed the distance and drowned me in the softest kiss I could imagine after a discussion like this. I pushed up and answered him with every emotion I felt and roamed my hands over his body. He let out a soft noise against my lips at the feeling which fuelled the fire in me even more.

How did I get this? How was it possible that this was happening? It was real, so painfully nerve-wracking real and I never wanted it to stop. We opened our mouth and searched every inch we could find with our tongue, but it was asking and soft and full of wonder of what we were doing. It felt like he couldn’t believe that I was under him, that I wanted him this much and I couldn’t let him think that. I needed him, more than ever, to know that he had me. It felt like a chapter closing and a new one starting, and I was so ready for it. A small voice kept pestering me with ‘ _you are not what he wants, this is not something that will last’_ , but Simon Snow was effectively shutting that voice off when he pushed me down and climbed over me. We disconnected in the movement and he took it as an opportunity to attack my throat. I couldn’t hold back the whimper he drew out of me and I felt my body writhing in expectation, impatient as if it was longing and desperate for more. It was a little pathetic at how eager I was, but I didn’t blame myself. I had waited so long for this to become reality and now that I had a taste of it, I could never give it up.

Unfortunately, karma did not agree with Simons declaration and still found this the perfect moment to punish us by letting the last person I wanted to see right now slamming the door open and catching us in the heat of the moment. 

Snow froze, his face still in my neck my own body felt like someone had poured out an ice water bucket over it. Every feeling of arousal had vanished into thin air when I connected my gaze with the dumbstruck evil Robin Hood in our doorway.

‘Simon!’ he roared once he found himself recovered from the shock. The volume made me twitch and Snow shot up as if stricken by lightning, leaving me laying on his bed in a rather exposing way. But no way I was going to give him the image of embarrassment of a Pitch.

‘What is the meaning of this?’ The Mage fumed.

_Merlin, what does it look like? Chess? Then I wished we could’ve reached the checkmate._

His eyes roamed over me as I slowly collected myself and sat up beside a stiff Snow (not in that way) and I suppressed a shudder at the disgust on his face that spoke millions of languages. So now our non-responsible ridiculous headmaster was a homophobe too? Why did that not surprise me.

‘Sir, I-‘ Snow started in a voice that was way too high. I wanted to grab his hand or touch his back for comfort, but I doubted that would be helpful. Not when the Mage’s anger was pointed at our touching bodies.

‘I had asked you to meet me after the lessons for an extremely important mission. But it seems you don’t really care about your responsibilities or being a great help to the World of Mages.’

His hands were clenched in fists and there was a maniac energy hanging around him that put me on an edge. If we were not students and he was not the headmaster and we would not be in this school where he could not let go, he would knock us down. That was not a fact, but it felt like an enormous possibility. And this was the man that was supposed to bring our Greatest Saviour back, seat in the Coven as one of the high men and save us from the Humdrum with brilliant plans, all while running a school to prepare our next generation?

There was no way Simon was going away with this man once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good talk boys!  
> Not so smart to forget the Mage wanted to see you... but now, shit's going dooownnnn


	30. 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter!
> 
> Warning: serious homophobe talk from the Mage...

**SIMON**

Stupid stupid stupid. So extremely dumb. Why did you forget, today of all days, that the Mage had approached you by himself for something ‘extremely important’? And of course, of _fucking_ course he had to come up all by himself to search for me and find me draped all over my supposed-to-be-enemy. I tried to stay calm, but under the Mage’s storming scrutinizing gaze and sitting next to a way too collected but falsely undisturbed Baz, that was not easy.

‘Get your wand and come with me,’ the Mage hissed between clenched teeth. For a moment, I hoped he would go down already so I could catch up, but he was clearly not planning on leaving us alone. I hesitated for a second, but really, there was no way I could ignore him. With a heavy feeling in my stomach and my magic on an edge, I picked up my wand that had fallen on the ground when I had pushed Baz down. I watched Baz from the corner of my eye and saw straight through his mask of indifference. It was his eyes that gave him away. He followed me with a piercing gaze and refused to acknowledge the man in the doorway, only interested in what I decided to do. It was terrifying because I knew he didn’t like where this was going, but I feared that those were worries for later. I could only hope that he really liked me as much as he declared and that I was not ruining this for the second time today.

The Mage stepped aside to let me through and I quickly looked back for one last glance at Baz. His hair was ruffled from what I did to him and I wished for an intense moment I could just walk back over and shut the door in the Mage’s face to continue where we left off, but instead, I tried to give him a reassuring but apologising smile. He did not answer it in the slightest. I dragged my feet out to the stairs and heard the door slamming a moment later, followed by the Mage’s towering presence behind me as he followed me down.

He did not say a word. Not in the staircase where my heart was beating loud in a mix of fear and misery, not when we came outside and the freezing cold wind told me I had forgotten something warmer again (and the Mage hadn’t bothered to mention to bring it with me beside my wand), not when I tried to keep some distance between us but still keeping up with him when he strode over the grounds and not when we reached the Gates and he had problems concentrating on a spell as my magic surrounded us and probably made him dizzy.

‘Simon,’ he snapped, ‘control yourself.’

I didn’t answer. It was no use to tell him for the hundred time I’m not able to control my magic when I’m worked up because he would turn my words against me and say something like _‘that’s your own fault. You don’t practice enough’_.

‘Sir, can I ask where we are going and why it’s so sudden and important?’ I hoped to change his mind and gain information at the same time. Honestly, that’s the least I deserved.

‘A mission for the Coven. Details don’t matter,’ he answered in a clipped tone. I suppressed my irritation and went on.

‘How long will it take? It’s already evening and it’s getting dark soon.’ Actually, it was already fairly dark, the twilight dusk developed to an inky night sky. I loved this in-between of the day and night, although I wouldn’t mind a sunset and warm coloured clouds every now and then. It was every bit inefficient when going on a likely dangerous mission.

‘We travel at night, so we’ll get their by dawn. I don’t know how long we will be gone. As long as it takes.’ He was now walking towards a big SUV and I saw some bags in the back, clearly packed for longer than three days. My face contorted in something ugly and he caught the expression.

‘What?’ he asked in a voice that demanded I should keep my mouth. ‘It’s not like we haven’t done this before. What has changed? Are you suddenly more interested in your classes? Were you finally working on a clue for a Humdrum-related mystery? Or maybe you can’t wait to storm back and betray everything we stand for by snogging that evil Pitch kid in your own bed?’ The volume of his voice increased with every insult or insinuation and I winced at his last explicit opinion on what he had walked in to. ‘How long has this been going on? And if you necessarily needed to pick out a boy for your sexual satisfaction, why for Aleister Crowley’s sake would you choose your enemy? The boy who’s supposed to kill you? Who has tried to kill you in the past? Who you’ve hated for as long as I can remember? Did it ever cross you hormone-filled mind that maybe he’s using you to gain information or to set you up against me?’

There was nothing else to hear than his tirade and the silence he treated me with suffocated me, forced me to answer him against my will. He had been standing on the other side of the car, but had taken steps towards me and was now in reaching distance. I didn’t want to make it worse by stepping back, but my whole body prickled with discomfort and uncertainty about what was happening and how I was supposed to talk myself out of this. Instinct made me apologize, but my heart clenched at the idea and his words.

I had nothing to apologize for. He didn’t know anything about my life or what had happened between Baz and me, and thereby, that was none of his business. It was private and my life and it was precious and important to me. If I had learned one thing today, then it was that not being straight and giving into emotions was okay. More than okay. Actually, apart from all the circumstances in the forest and when I panicked before the Hall, today had been more perfect than every other day this year.

‘Baz and I agreed to not fight each other,’ I said slowly, as reasonable as possible. ‘We don’t want to fight in a war that isn’t ours, forced upon us by parents or… mentors.’ I was planning to say ‘guardians’, but he did not deserve that title. He was practically vibrating with anger and power, furious about how I talked back in favour of his opponents.

‘You two have a destiny,’ he growled, ‘a prophecy that says one of you is going to kill the other. Are you seriously ignoring that? You think he’s going to ignore that as well, instead of gaining your trust, only to stab you in the back?’

‘We don’t want to kill each other. I’m fairly sure… no, I’m absolutely certain he would even swear a magical oath to confirm. We don’t want to play a part in this war-‘

‘Then you have a huge problem, Simon. Because you are going to play a part in this war!’ he yelled. His arm swung wildly in the air and now I had to take a step back to avoid being hit. He didn’t notice but took every inch of space between us to fill by stepping forward, leaving me to head back. We created a situation where I blindly walked backwards, never leaving my eyes off the Mage, who seemed to have started a tirade that could take a while.

‘I fucking saved you from those homes, Simon. I brought you to school, taught you myself, trust you with all our important missions and still you manage to do nothing else but disobeying my orders and dodging your responsibilities, tasks and prophecies. What has that stupid son of Natasha Pitch done to you that you can’t even see the problems you’re creating for me, for you, for our world and the future!’

‘Sir, please, can we… uh, talk this out?’ I asked anxiously as I noticed how the air around us started feeling tighter. His whole expression was hard and his eyes, accompanied by large bags, were dark. I could barely see them as the sky grew darker and darker.

‘What is there to talk about?’ he fumed. ‘I can go on and on how you still haven’t managed to control a single fraction of your magic, how you barely scrape together enough grades to pass which leaves me looking stupid for the Coven since I brought you in as some kind of scholarship student, how you used to groan and whine and beg to change your roommate and did little to nothing to leave yourself out of trouble with him. You want me to go on?’ he hissed. ‘Or do you already understand that we have nothing to talk about unless you acknowledge your faults like the adult you are supposed to become? See this from my side. I found the boy that was supposed to be our hero in the middle of a burned down care. You couldn’t talk properly, you had jumped from home to home without a record, you were supposed to work and learn to become the person you’re meant to be, but you haven’t even managed to figure out what the Humdrum is, which is the _only thing_ our world wants from you. To be their promised hero and to show them why that’s you. Instead, you forget your wand on missions, you waste your time by the pitch, even though you can’t even play, you spend more time getting healed in the infirmary for unnecessary violence instead of going to the library to take your studies seriously, you refuse to work for your relationship with Agatha Wellbelove, who is possibly the best match for you that shall ever happen, but jump on the heir of our biggest enemy in a moment of an identity crisis. Do you see what I’m saying, son? You understand what is going on here?’

His face is twisted in holed up anger and a hint of disgust than turned my stomach around. Every word felt like a slap in my face and I feel the energy flow out of me because he was right. I’m not who the world wants me to be. Not even close. I’m so much less.

I vaguely felt my stomped off nails scratching at my arms, hard enough to mark angry red and white lines, but it helped me enough to ground a little. I thought I felt something wet on my face, but I wasn’t sure what it was. Sweat? Spit? A tear? What did it matter? I sniffled silently and turned my head away. I wished I could turn back time and prevent this argument. I wished I had just get in the car and did whatever he wanted me to do, as always. But the thought felt wrong too and I almost heard Baz in my head saying that I wasn’t his toy. _Don’t you see it? He’s wrong, Snow. Bunce says so too, and he just won’t stop spewing bullshit. He’s a shit mentor, and you know it. You’re just a coward you don’t even dare to come up for yourself_. That stung. Even my own imagination managed to hurt me.

‘Are you ready to leave? We have a long ride planned and we’ve already wasted enough time with this nonsense,’ he snarled. He gave me one last look before turning around and striding off to the car, his green mantle bulging in the wind.

‘I’m not your son,’ I heard a pathetic voice saying. It sounded wrong and a little choked up and it only dawned me that it was me who had opened my mouth and retorted when he halted and slowly turned around on his heels. I couldn’t see his face, partly because I didn’t dare to look at him. I felt my words echoing in my head and the silence was ringing expectantly as if it couldn’t believe what I had said and was waiting for an apology. I did not apologise. Instead, I felt my mouth forming words that fuelled the fear in me.

‘You asked: ‘You see what I’m saying, son?’ and I don’t. See it, that is. And I’m not your son.’

_What was I doing? Where did this come from? Shut it out, Simon, hold your tongue for one goddamn moment! How in the world can you be able to form this when you can’t even spell the lights off?_

The Mage looked as if I had told him I’m friends with the merewolves. I’m sure Baz would have a fancy word for his expression, but my mind did not come up with a word to describe the shock on his face.

‘Care to elaborate?’ he asked dangerously in a tone that implied I better not elaborated. But I was already dead, so I somehow found the courage to keep the words coming.

‘You did found me in that home when I was eleven. And I can’t thank you enough for that. I’ll always be grateful for that. But you drop me off at one of them every year again. That’s not what I call saving, more like borrowing me for the school year and the missions. Missions where I never know what I’m doing because you never care enough to explain it.’

‘Because it’s none of your business,’ he announced in a tone that left no space for input.

‘So, I have put my life on stake countless times for things that aren’t even my business? I could’ve died a hundred times before I even had the chance to fulfil that damned prophecy!’

‘But you didn’t, because you’re the Chosen One.’

‘I didn’t, because I can’t control my magic and go off and save ourselves by luck!’ I yelled. My knees were wobbling and my throat hurt from wanting to hold back the words, but something was wrong. It was like a string that pulled them out of me. Every frustration and realisation I never wanted to admit out loud, or even to myself, but it kept coming and it terrified the shit out of me.

‘You blame me for being incapable, but it’s not my fault. Nobody has ever had as much magic as me and there is no handbook on being me. I tried, of course I fucking tried. You think I like being the worst Chosen One that has ever been chosen? Parentless, a hopeless babbling mess with monsters coming after me since I was a kid? Guess what, I don’t!’

‘You can’t outrun who you are, Simon! Face it and live up to it!’

‘I. Am. Trying!’ I screamed at the top of my lungs. My breathing was heavy and wrecked and I felt like passing out every moment. My hands were tightly clenched in fists, I could barely feel the blood flowing, but my heart was pumping so hard it vibrated in shocks through my whole posture.

The Mage and I were staring at each other, but we were separated through a wall of smoke. My magic was so far gone it took all of my last energy to keep it with me and not just let go. I was not sure of the consequences if I did.

‘I’m sorry, sir. I’m sorry for not being who you hoped I would be. Merlin, I barely know what or who I am. I always identified myself the way everyone saw me, but… I’ve learned some things in these past months. And…,’ my voice seemed to fail for the first time in my outburst and I was now sure the stream of cold wet on my cheeks were tears. A voice in the back of my mind knew what I was going to say. What I was officially going to admit. It was something I thought I wasn’t ready for, but in that fraction of a second, I knew that was not true. I was okay with it. Chances were big I had always known, but just never been asked the right question. It was the moment of transition that tired me out. The transition where everyone would have their opinion and call me out for the umpteenth time in their life. But if not then, then when? He already knew.

There was a last push of fire in my belly that crawled up to my throat and pushed the words out of my mouth. ‘I will never be in a relationship with Agatha anymore. We both decided that, and it was one of the best decisions we ever made. I’m not straight. I did love her, that was never in doubt, but what I feel for her now is still the same. It’s the same as I feel for Penny, my best friend who is just a friend. And it’s nothing as my feelings for Baz. Sir, I don’t know how to phrase it otherwise, but Baz is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. This is it… This is why the Crucible has cast us together. And I’ll be forever sorry I didn’t figure that out sooner.’

I practically felt how the fire and smoke agreed as one that it was done. My skin felt as if I had been burned, but I saw no blusters or wounds. My shoulders were heavy and at once I had to work to keep them upright. My chest felt rigid but freed at the same time and it was glorious. As if I could sleep for a hundred years without the prospect of nightmares or early mornings where I wouldn’t feel rested.

 _You are an incredible idiot. Crowley, you’re so brave_. It was as a whisper of a ghost, but I could almost feel how Baz would breathe these words in my ear. In combination with the fire I had felt earlier, it was simple to imagine him standing behind me. Backing me up where I needed him to.

I tried not to squirm under the Mage’s gaze, but then I followed how his eyes widened and his mouth fell slightly open. It was as if he was reminded of something and recognition dawned on his face. He held in a breath and then exhaled it through his nose. I could hear it from where I stood.

‘Simon,’ he said. It sounded so soft and gentle I almost got whiplash from the change of situation. Before I could help it, hope flowed through my heart and I stopped breathing from expectations. Was it possible? Maybe he really saw I meant it. Maybe he was not as bad as everyone claimed him to be and I had been right to trust him. We had a horrifying argument with harsh words, but this must’ve been the first time I spoke back this hard, so it was not a surprise. We could work through this, right? According to the way he looked at me, eyes welling up with an emotion I did not immediately recognise, maybe he did regret some of his words. I would forgive him, of course, everyone makes mistakes. What has happened is in the past, but now we could-

‘I now see what has happened,’ he said, slowly stepping my way. I watched him and felt suspense taking over my head. ‘But it’s okay, we can fix this.’

It took me a while to process his words, but instinct formed dread in my lower stomach.

‘… Fix what, sir?’ I asked cautiously.

‘He must’ve cursed you, or spelled some feelings or thoughts into your head or heart. I’m sure he’s not afraid of going down that road to get what he wants,’ he said. I blinked, confused about where this conversation was going.

‘I’m not following.’

‘It’s not difficult. He must’ve messed with you. The Pitches are known for long-forgotten curses or manipulations of the mind, so he must’ve found something to change your… feelings for him. Or maybe he’s been ordered to. All with the purpose of bringing us out of balance and turning you against me. Don’t worry, Simon,’ he said to ease the baffled expression that must’ve taken over my face, ‘we’ll find something to fix you.’

At once, my mind was empty. I could not comprehend this. I knew I should feel furious or sad or horrified at his reasoning, but I was done. This was it. I had hoped and tried and did more than I ever thought I would dare, but if he refused to see something else than his own visions, I had nothing to offer anymore.

‘This… this is real, sir. There’s nothing to fix. I’m not going to… I can’t explain it a third time. I’m sorry,’ I said, tiredness creeping into my voice. Then, without thinking, I turned around with the intention to walk back to my room, the mission long forgotten.

‘Don’t you dare to walk away from me, Simon!’ he shouted behind my back. Every tone of gentleness or, what I now define as pity or compassion, was gone. ‘You don’t know what you’re saying. You would never say this when you could think clearly. You’re broken!’

His words hit me right in my heart. My steps faltered and I almost fell, but I was left so dazed that I could not think of an appropriate reaction. I only felt my stomach hit the ground and it was so brutal I had to gasp for air.

 _He’s not wrong, you know_ , said the most hated and unhelpful voice in my head, _he’s wrong since he’s talking about your feelings for Baz, but you are in fact nothing more than a broken artefact._

_You’re a broken failed mage._

_You’re a lost broken orphan._

_You’re broken in your soul._

_You’re broken._

‘You’re broken.’

‘You’re broken.’

The words were reverberating in the air, circling between my ears, pounding me in my head like a mean migraine attack. I touched the sides of my forehead with my fingertips, but it didn’t help. No matter how hard I pressed, I still heard the Mage saying these words over and over again.

Until I noticed through the haze how he choked on a sound during the voice. Which is impossible.

I turned around and saw the Mage was not looking at me. A frightening expression was covering his face as he watched the side of the parking lot. He was not talking, but I still heard his words repeating over and over again. I followed his gaze and was dumbfounded at who I saw there standing like he was the king of the fucking world, with a smirk only he could pull off and the posture of a commander in control.

‘Those are pretty harsh words. I would be terrified for the prospect of them becoming public knowledge,’ Baz said in a sweet but threatening voice. His hair was framing his face but moved along with the hard and sudden gusts of wind. He held his wand out before him, wrist turned a stroke of the clock. Every other second, he seemed to be pulling at something in the air.

And every time to let go, the voice spoke again.

‘You’re broken.’

‘You do realize,’ Baz went on, ‘that this is not really perfect headmaster-, let alone guardian behaviour? What would the Coven say of this?’ He seemed to be winding something up in the air, and when he stopped, we heard how the Mage’s voice accusing me of slumping off, not taking anything seriously, fraternizing with the enemy and not being who the prophecy predicted. He sounded like a maniac and I remembered how he was spouting his insults at my face as the sentences blew over my head. Baz caught my eyes and grinned as a victor in the sneakiest way possible, but I saw how he scanned my face and tried to suppress the worry that took place in his eyes. His body was turned towards the Mage, but for that moment, his full attention was on me.

And I wished I could just run into his arms and never let go again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... a*@#g% the Mage  
> That was... hard  
> But it's not over. It's a fight that has to be fought, and guess who has the upper hand now?


	31. 31

**BAZ**

‘What do you want, Mr. Pitch?’ the Mage called out after he had collected himself again. I heard the hostile and impatient tone but I couldn’t care less. I’ve wanted to have this moment for so long it felt unreal it was happening. But it was. I had the winning cards in my hand.

‘I want a lot of things, starting with you to stop spreading rumours about the Old Families and that we want a war, while you are the one who’s raiding houses and probing for reasons to blame us for faults you make.’ My voice resonated over the parking because of the spell I had put on it before I made my presence known to make sure they would both understand what I was saying. Nothing breaks the moment more than having to repeat yourself.

Maybe I had done it slightly for the drama, but who cares.

‘I’m not inventing things,’ the Mage answered, ‘and raiding your houses is out of necessity. I found a lot of forbidden artefacts and books, so I was right not to trust you. It’s only the law, and you can’t blame me for protecting the World of Mages by following the law.’

‘They are family heirlooms,’ I argued. ‘We’re not going to throw them away because the law _made_ them forbidden. And most of all, we don’t use them for bad purposes and especially not against you. Which leaves me with another official law. And a right. Something about privacy? I’m sure you know the whole book out of your head since you’re so smart and studied, so I don’t need to remind you that no matter how you defend yourself, we have a least twice as many defences.’

‘What is this about?’ the Mage’s mouth twisted in disdain. ‘Simon? Did you know about this?’

‘Don’t you think you’ve insulted him enough already?’ I hissed before he could even shake his head. A quick glance in his direction told me that he wouldn’t even be able to lie about what he knew or didn’t know. Snows face was an open book, and right now, he looked as stunned as I had secretly hoped.

_What? You really think I was going to let you go? Again? After I finally had a taste of what we could have?_

‘What happens between Simon and me is our business,’ the Mage said.

‘So when I hear you screaming at him and manipulating him, I’m not supposed to help him?’

‘Why would you? What do you gain from it?’ the Mage asked infuriated. He started to step forward, but thought better of it and remained on a safe distance. I couldn’t suppress a small grin.

‘Aren’t you the one who told him we were cast together for a reason every time he wanted to change rooms? Don’t you have what you wanted now?’ I asked with my chin high. There was a challenge in my voice. ‘Or is this not the way you imagined it? Is this… a little too much?’

The smirk on my face fueled the Mage even further.

‘What do you want?’ he repeated himself. I wasn’t sure if he wanted to state something or just did not know what to say.

‘Besides an end of the ridiculous War that does not seem to have a real purpose, I would like to wish for you to leave Simon alone.

It was bold, I knew that. When all is said and all is done, I’m only a student with a dark secret that could ruin me. But I also knew that this was an opportunity I could not miss. I would hate myself if I would pass this chance to finally take revenge for everything he had done to my family.

‘I’m Simon’s mentor,’ the Mage barked, ‘and we have things to do. We need to work for the world you live in, you unthankful little brat.’

‘I think Simon does all those things alone. Every time you two come back, he’s the one being dangerously injured. On the verge of going off. Tired and done with everything. Does not sound like something a mentor would want for him.’

‘He’s the Chosen One for a reason!’

‘For the Humdrum maybe. But he’s not your tool!’ I was now almost yelling and barely kept everything together. I had to calm down for Crowley’s sake, or my fangs were going to pop. Fortunately, it was already dark, but it was not a risk I was willing to take.

‘I don’t understand why you have a problem with how loyal Simon is to me. It’s kind of hypocritical, really. You would do the same thing for your family. You would do the same thing for your mother.’

And that was the last straw.

‘Leave my mother out of this.’ My voice was cold but measured, back in utter control. It was a stark contrast with the heat of my magic that accompanied my words and burned his way through the chilly air. ‘You have no right to talk about her when you ruin everything she ever made.’

‘She never gave a chance to the mages without pure blood. Simon probably wouldn’t have been accepted into Watford if it was for her.’

‘That is over thirteen years ago,’ I sneered, ‘times change. Everybody told me she was a smart and wise woman who listened. She would’ve changed the rules if she had the time. And as for Simon, he’s without a doubt a pure mage, even with the mystery of his past and parents-‘

‘Stop talking about things you don’t know the truth of,’ the Mage interrupted me. ‘There was a lot more going on when you were just a kid. There is a lot more going on right now. People don’t dare to talk ill of the dead ones, but I want that people know how I changed her achievements for the good.’

The tension was to choke on, and that could be partly because we were all three vibrating with magic. But it was mostly Snow's typical smell that dominated the air. He was looking at me with an expression of worry and fear and kept glancing sideways at the Mage. A shot of panic broke through my blood boiling anger when I realized that maybe, even if I was right and winning, Simon did not agree with what I was doing.

What if he was still loyal to the Mage?

What if he was too afraid to finish what he had started?

What… what if the little courage spell I had put on him to spill the truth about what he felt was too much and he hadn't been ready for the truth? Not to the Mage, and not to himself? What if this scared him more than that it healed?

I had done it without really intending, but he was so close, and I had seen the opportunity and I had taken it.

_But you used him. You used him and his fears for your own good. How could you still think you deserve him?_

It was not for nothing. Even if he would never even look at me again, I could free him from the Mage’s chains. Free from unnecessary danger and bad influence. It would be worth it. Right?

I looked away from his eyes and kept my facial expression in control, gulping as subtle as possible.

And then he started to walk. The Mage looked up and grinned when he approached him and it was as if I saw everything happen in slow motion. _Stupid, stupid, stupid_ , I kept repeating, but the thought was drained in helplessness. I lowered my hand. Gravity had a power over me. I wished I could just give in and bury myself, as I was supposed to be.

But Simon did not meet his gaze. Instead, he passed him an reached my side, taking place on my left. His eyes lifted up to mine and I was done.

There was a question in them and he searched my face for an answer. I was pretty sure that the relief that almost knocked me out did not hide anything else, including my love for this stupidly brave and loving idiot. A small smile decorated his lips and he brought his hand up to my back.

I straightened with the infinite new power. Thoughts I did not know I had become words.

‘Even if you did change some things for the greater good, in my opinion, you destroyed more than you repaired. The only real threat to our world is the Humdrum, and we would have a better chance to defend him by uniting ourselves. Simon would have a better chance if he had more people who had his back. Instead, he risks his life for unknown reasons, while he is in fact still a child. And this has been going on for years and years. If we combine this with what I’ve recorded from tonight’s outburst and your, let’s say, false accusations and light homophobic statements? I’m not sure how the Coven is going to react to this. Maybe they’ll decide you’re not morally appropriate to fulfil the function of Watford’s headmaster.’

It was a full-on threat that was maybe not the smartest thing I could’ve said, but I was drunk on power and love and the feeling of having the upper hand felt so good. _How did Simon manage to handle this all these years?_ I thought vaguely. He hadn’t said a word the whole time but followed us with big eyes where I read surprise.

‘I knew you had nerve, but don’t fly to close to the sun. Don’t get too cocky in situations like this. You’re making a dangerous statement here.’ The Mage had lifted his wand in an airy manner, but I stiffened, prepared for an attack. ‘You’re not an adult mage, and you don’t have as much experience as me. Rule number one: don’t underestimate your opponent.’

This was it. This was the moment. It was perfect, presented on a silver plate with golden stars.

‘I guess,’ I said, ‘the same goes for you. Very contradictory if you ask me. Because how were you planning to prevent this scandalous from coming known,’ I waved my wand in the most confident and powerful way possible while whispering something under my breath, ‘if I am in control?’

The Mage stood frozen on his place. He blinked as if paralyzed. Maybe he was. With fear.

‘You did not just…’ he said, voice low and disbelieving.

‘Guess I did though,’ I said.

‘They will never believe you,’ the Mage tried once again. I wasn’t sure if he was stating the obvious or convincing himself. The words missed their effect.

‘Don’t be so sure about that.’

Snow was following us with an expression that said he had no idea what was happening and if it were any other situation, I would’ve rolled my eyes and made fun of him. (Lightly).

‘Have you ever send a voice message, Snow?’ I asked him. He shook his head, but it was slow and I almost saw a giant light bubble exploding above his head.

‘… But how did you… is that a spell?’ he stammered with his hand in his curls. I tried to concentrate on my words, and not how I wanted to push my own hand in his hair.

‘I’ve been practising for our assignment at the end of the year. Where we have to make our own spell. Actually, you were the one that gave me the idea. To contact Mordelia, instead of writing letters.’

If I had said I was a goblin instead of a vampire, his eyes wouldn’t get bigger.

‘So… I… you made a spell based on something I blurted out and now… tricked the Mage?’ he whispered the last part.

‘Oh, I wish I could take credit for tricking him, but honestly, he admitted everything all by himself. Even if I were a Normal, I could’ve recorded him. It just would’ve taken longer to send it to the Cov-‘

A flash of purple light shot me in my chest and I flew back of the impact. My mind barely had the time to keep up with the white-hot pain that flared up in my veins and I howled. My back collided with a giant tree and I vaguely heard the crack but didn’t know if it was the wood or my spine.

Quickly reconsidering that moment of doubt, I choked on the feeling of being smashed from every side. I think I screamed again and again, but my lungs… they were shattered. I couldn’t keep my eyes open, every fibre concentrated on the power that kept working on me. Blackness crept into my vision and I gasped for air between involuntary shouts. My body was twitching with shocks and I became dizzy and nauseous.

I believed someone was calling out my name, but I had no idea if they were close to me. A feeling of what I could only describe as a golden spark tried to soothe it, but when it extinguished, pain blew me back in the face and nearly knocked me out again.

‘Stop it!’ I heard the voice saying, closer than before. ‘Stop it! You can’t do this!’ Frantic, terrified, crying. ‘Please, please, I’ll go with you, I don’t care, just stop!’

 _Simon_.

I tried to say his name, but my voice wasn’t mine to control. I tried to look at him, reach for him, but nothing worked. I fought to keep my concentration on him, but I was drifting away.

‘This is not right this is not right please Baz stay with me please stop it stop it stop **it sTOP IT!** ’

And then it stopped.

My skin was burning hot and goosebumps painfully wretched my limbs, but whatever the Mage had done to me, it had stopped.

I was left with the echo of torture and the memory of ripping agony.

My night vision wasn’t worth a thing. I only heard the harsh breathing of Simon next to my head. I turned to him.

‘Baz?’ his silhouette sobbed. He gripped my hand and my shoulders and lowered his head to mine and my chest and he was shaking. ‘Stay with me, stay with me, stay with me,’ he kept whispering as a soothing mantra.

I was so tired, but I formed the words with my last strength.

‘I’ll always stay with you.’

Then, I blacked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> d o n ' t p a n i c  
> tag said: angst with a happy ending, you're going to get it :)  
> But can we all just appreciate Baz's bravery in this chapter? Normally, Simon is the brave one, but they really work as a yin and yang. Maybe partly because of Simon's powers, but he did it anyway, and it worked deliciously wonderful with his spell.


	32. 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter where we get to know what happened with Simon...
> 
> Warning: violence and homophobia (f slur) mentioned

**SIMON**

Hours later, I was dozing off on the side of Baz’s bed in the hospital.

Mr. Wellbelove, who the Coven had summoned after the nurse had no idea what had happened to Baz, had tried to heal him with spells and a potion but was out of ideas when there seemed to be no improvement. The only times he was on the verge of waking up, was when I tapped my magic in him. But I was not planning to tell them that was my doing.

It was the first time since last evening that I was alone with him. Breakfast was about to start, but I was not planning to go. Penny, who had been picked up by her mother when the Coven arrived, had promised to bring some scones and tea upstairs, but I doubted I would be awake when she came back.

I had been up for over twenty-four hours. And oh Aleister Crowley what a twenty-four hours it was. Seriously, how much can happen in a day?

The Coven had asked dozens of questions about what had happened, starting with how Baz had sent the ‘audio message’ as they were calling it. My answers were vague, because I was worried sick and tired of fear and emotions, but also because I seriously did not know what Baz had done. And no, I had not noticed ‘my boyfriend’ practising. And no, ‘my boyfriend’ had not mentioned anything, because everything was still new. Very new. As in, not even twelve hours old.

It was weird to hear them referring to us being a thing. It was weird of it being out in the open, full stop. But they did not comment on it, or reacted weirded out and I kept hearing Penny's voice, saying ‘ _you worried for nothing, we aren’t the nineteenth century anymore_ ’. And it was nice. I mean, I wished it had happened in different circumstances, but I was the small proof of reality I needed.

I had trouble keeping my eyes open, but I kept pushing magic every other minute. For the first time without the Humdrum being involved, I felt how mages could feel ‘drained out’ after using too much. Normally, I never ran dry but last night was a step too far. We did not have dinner either, so maybe it was partly because of that.

Feeling my stomach protest by lack of food, maybe I better waited for Penny and those scones anyway.

I had expected to start scratching at my arm again after everything, especially how our ‘gay-relationship’ was the catalysator of everything. Apparently, having people who have your back ease your identity crisis nerves.

 _‘What is it with you and your wrists this year?’_ he had asked.

… I guess I was going to talk about it.

___

‘Dev and Niall have asked after him,’ Penny said. She was leaning against Baz’s bed and looked at him with a soft expression. ‘Rumors aren’t spreading, yet. But with you two gone and the visit from the Coven…’

I nodded and almost burned my tongue on the tea she had brought. Scones were long gone in my belly and it was as if they had started my system again, leaving me hungrier than before. Guess I was going to ask if I could get some more later.

‘Is there… Do you want me to tell the truth? Or keep everyone off until you can do it yourself?’ she glanced my way but kept her voice neutral. I smiled involuntarily at how thoughtful she tried to be but shook my head.

‘It’s okay. You can tell them if they ask. We’re good… I’m good.’

Penny raised an eyebrow at my word choice since we were both absolutely not good, but she understood what I meant and left it at that.

We were silent for the following minutes before Penny was whisked away for classes. The nurse urged me to take a bed and sleep some more, but my stomach growled in lieu of a response. ‘Instead of just going to breakfast,’ she sighed but left for the kitchen anyway. I felt a little guilty because she too had had a long night, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave Baz.

I stretched my arms above my head and yawned. Something popped in my back, and that felt better than it should. Baz was laying still as a corpse, his heartbeat slow but steady. I had always wondered if he had a heartbeat and I had discovered that every time I gave him magic, it would beat a little harder. As if I was giving his body life.

Secretly, I liked that idea.

Glancing around, I confirmed we were still the only one in the room and I gently placed my hand on his chest, right above his heart. With my other, I took his hand.

I didn’t even have to think or concentrate anymore. Everything went so fluent, it was as if meant to be. The last bits of my magic ran smoothly through my veins and dripped into his hand palm, where it ran up to his arm and upper body and further. Only, now it was not just a shot of magic. Now, it kept going.

I felt his heartbeat speeding up and I breathed out in comfort, not knowing I needed that. I watched his hair and how it was splayed out in shrill contrast on his pillow. His lips were almost as white as his skin, which still worried me, but Mr. Wellbelove had assured me that even though he did not know what the Mage had done, he was going to be alright.

And then his lips moved. ‘See something you like?’

My eyes flicked to his, darker and duller than I knew them, but open and watching me with a hint of amusement.

‘Baz!’ I jumped forward to keep him close to me, but his face scrunched up in pain and he hissed through his teeth.

‘What’s wrong, what is it?’ I asked panicked. I started rooming my hands over his body to search for wounds or broken ribs that we forgot, but he panted through heavy breaths: ‘Your… magic…’

It took me a few seconds to realize I had stopped sharing magic when I saw him awake and I quickly pushed a giant bulb in his body. Immediately, his body relaxed in the mattress and he exhaled in relief.

I did not dare to let go anymore.

‘How do you feel?’ I whispered.

He swallowed and almost choked since there was nothing to swallow. My head nodded towards his nightstand where there was some leftover tea. He had downed it in no time and I hoped the nurse planned on bringing an extra pot.

‘Like I’ve been thrown against a tree after exposing an evil bastard,’ he said with a small smirk and I couldn’t help but laugh at that, although sadly.

‘The Coven was here the whole night,’ I told him. ‘And they seemed very interested in the spell you had used.’

‘Of course, they were,’ he drawled. ‘It’s simple but genius. Honestly, how has nobody thought of that before?’

‘You’re such a bastard,’ I growled without a trace of an insult. ‘What’s the spell?’

He looked me straight in the eye and said without magic: ‘We need to talk.’

There was no other sound in the room than our breathing and some faraway footsteps in the hall and our focus was only on each other. Baz lifted his hands and laid them over mine where I pushed magic in his stomach. They were cold, but not as icy as normal.

‘How long has this been going on?’ he asked softly. I looked down and thought about it while pushing away the fear of speaking evil of the Mage. The fear of people not believing me and making it sound like I was exaggerating before leaving me because I was talking nonsense.

‘I… don’t know, exactly… maybe since he started bringing me to more dangerous missions? I mean, the times I really knew what our mission was about… I can count them on one hand.’

‘What about the rest?’ he asked.

‘The rest?’

‘The accusations, how he scolds you for your grades, your break-up with Wellbelove,’ he sums up and I shook my head to interrupt him.

‘He has never done that before. I knew he didn’t like it and I felt in his behaviour what he thought about it, but this was probably the first time he… outed it in so many words.’

I expected Baz to be mad. To the Mage, to me, to whoever he thought was responsible, but I glanced at him from under my eyelashes and saw sadness clouding his features.

‘So, even when he deserves to be sent away, he’s not the one who made your summer hell. I mean, indirectly he did, but something else happened.’ His eyes followed his hands that trailed up from mine to my wrists.

‘You almost died twelve hours ago, you just woke up, you’re in pain when I don’t give magic and still, you want to talk about me?’ I said baffled.

He raised his eyebrow and smirked in his typical way. ‘You talk about me enough, you dolt. Let’s switch the roles because I’m getting tired of hearing how irresistible you think I am.’

‘You wish, Pitch,’ I managed to say without stuttering. Didn’t matter, because my face was so hot I wanted to hide under the bed.

‘Oh, I do,’ he muttered under his breath. ‘But seriously… have you told Bunce? Anything at all?’

I shook my head again.

‘And I thought I was the one with the unhealthy coping mechanism here. Just… tell me one thing…,’ he hesitated. Baz never hesitated. ‘Did you… cut yourself?’ His eyes were caring and trustworthy, but I saw the fear he tried to hide. The fear that I hurt myself on purpose. Maybe even die on purpose.

I shook my head, although a little too slow, because it was half my fault, but I hadn’t started it.

‘You’re not lying?’ he asked. ‘Look me in the eye and tell me you’re not lying.’

‘I’m not lying,’ I assured him and saw his shoulders drop a little in relief. ‘I did not make the scratches in the first place, but… let’s say they itched a lot while they were healing and when I was stressed… I need to do something with my hands when I’m stressed, and my hair wasn’t long enough back then, so I started picking at the crusts and… kept doing it?’

‘So, they never healed,’ Baz said, mindlessly rubbing his thumbs over my skin. That felt way too good for simple skin on skin contact.

‘Yeah… got bigger actually. That night you found me in the woods? The mission had not wounded me. The blood was simply from the picking.’

Baz was very silent now and I didn’t dare to look at him. He must think I’m crazy. Well, I think I’m crazy, so I probably am, so he’s not wrong, as always. If I had not been sharing my magic for hours, I would’ve been on the verge of going off and I would run away from embarrassment. But I was just so tired, and Baz needed me.

_And I needed him._

‘Simon?’ he asked softly. His voice was still cracked, but I wasn’t sure if it was from his health or his emotions. ‘Do you want to tell me what happened?’

I held my breath and felt cramp forming in my tense shoulders. I waited for the fear to come up. The fear that had kept me from telling Penny anything. The fear that did not let me sleep with bare arms. The fear that had started to form after the start of August.

With not so much as a wave of relief and a certain certainty in my chest that comforted me, I nodded.

‘Yeah. I guess it’s okay now.’

Baz scooted over a little and patted on the bed, so I perched myself beside him until our hips were flushed against each other. It felt weird to open up. Not only had I never imagined I would talk to Baz of all people, but also… It had been a hard night, and the first daylight was only now coming through the windows of the not so comforting sterile infirmary. The nurse could come back any second now, but there was no trace of a living soul in the hallway. It was only the crackling of the sheets, the rustle of my right foot against the ground and the waiting silence in the air.

I cleared my throat.

‘It’s a thing, some unwritten survival rule, that you better don’t cry in a care home. Especially not when there are only boys. Everyone always acts like they’re though. Like nothing can hurt them. Which is not that weird, since they’ve been hurt probably lots of times and then scolded for being weak or something. So, yeah, crying is a big no-no, as you can imagine.’

I watched his face from the corner of my eyes. His lips were pressed tightly and he seemed disgusted or displeased.

_It’s not personal. It’s from the absurd situation you’re sketching. It’s not against you._

He squeezed my hand and I continued.

‘As you know, I have nightmares often. Most of the times, I guess I’m just restless and kick or fidget a lot, but… uhh, well, it was bad. And when I woke up, my cheeks were wet, so I must’ve cried, and some of the other boys must’ve woken up because of me and saw it.’ I remembered how petrified I laid there in the bottom bunker of the bunk bed. The boys had not said a word, making me hope I had been lucky. Still, I had not slept a wink for the rest of the night.

‘The next day, after I had done my chores in the kitchen, four of them cornered me and started to nag. Apparently, I must’ve said something in my sleep like…’ I paused, choosing my words carefully, ‘ _‘please, don’t hurt him, take me’_ ‘. I knew exactly what I had dreamed that night.

‘Uh, well, those guys wanted to know who ‘he’ was. Started making fun of him, or as they liked to say him; my boyfriend… Being gay is very easy to make rude comments about, so that’s what they decided to do for the rest of the month.’ I let out a bitter laugh. ‘Guess they knew it before I knew.’

Baz’s eyes were flickering with a mix of fury and helplessness and without thinking, a bigger shot of magic flowed into his body. His eyebrow raised in question, almost invisible, but he did not say anything. Which I was grateful for.

‘When I didn’t raise their baits and jokes, they became a little… more aggressive. You should know that I never fight any more in care homes. Not since I once lost control and seriously injured someone. But when you don’t fight back, you’re an easy pick for guys like them, which they quickly figured out. One night, the leader thought I ‘wouldn’t mind’ to undergo some… ‘gay shit’, as they called it…’

Baz was now clenching my hand so hard it almost hurt, but I let him. Secretly, I was glad he did. It kept me focused.

‘They didn’t,’ Baz growled, more in bewilderment and anger. ‘Those fuckers! Did they…,’ he did not finish his sentence, but I knew what he meant. I shook my head and his grip softened just a little, but his eyes were just as murderous as they had once looked at me. Now though, it felt as if I was safe. Because he was on my side.

‘No, they did not go, uh, all the way. But, you know… forcing themselves on me. Kissing. Touching… all while cursing who I was and asking ‘ _if I enjoyed it because I was a faggot after all’_.’ I mumbled my way through the story. ’At first, I thought they would be disgusted and done after one time, but they came back. And the third time, I tried to stop them, or it would never end.’ looking at my wrist. ‘That’s where the scratches come into the picture.’

‘They injured you? With tools?’ Baz fumed in horror. Again, I shook my head.

‘No, I don’t think it was their intention to leave marks or wounds on my skin. They were just a little too forceful. Extra so when I fought back.’

My eyes became hot and I exhaled to calm down. My mouth was now talking without thinking. Going through the motions to get it out.

‘The last weeks, they did not harass me every day anymore, but… well, let’s say I started panicking at every hint. I tried to stay in a group with the others, with they did not like me very much, as always, so I ended up alone anyway after lunch or showering. Occasions enough.’

Baz’s other hand came up and his thumb streaked over my cheek to wipe away a tear that had escaped anyway. His body stayed upright and our faces were close.

Not close enough. I wanted to close the distance. I wanted his lips to soften my words.

‘That first night,’ I whispered nervously, ‘I had dreamed of you. You were the one they kept calling ‘my boyfriend’. Which made everything a hundred times worse. No offence,’ I added, and he huffed a laugh, ‘but I had no idea I was in fact attracted to you. Even my subconsciousness knew it before I knew.’

Baz rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. ‘Better late than never, I guess,’ he whispered back, ‘because I wouldn’t want it any other way. Maybe this was the way it was supposed to happen. At least I didn’t wait in vain.’

I let his words sink in. ‘You… waited? How long? You… were attracted to me before this semester?’

Baz snorted and affirmed mysteriously: ‘Oh, yes, I was. Long before I knew for sure I was gay, you had managed to invade my fantasies.’

‘So, I was your gay awakening then?’ I tried to joke. My heart jumped in joy when he laughed.

‘I wasn’t yours, then?’ he teased. I felt myself blushing and was glad he had his eyes closed.

‘I guess you were,’ I murmured back. Our lips were now barely separated and our breaths mingled. I wanted to lean forward. I wanted to just claim him. After everything, where we were now, that was the least I deserved. That we deserved.

And I did. And it was soft, and heavenly, and sickeningly comforting. I barely felt his heartbeat, but it was there within reach. So, I reached for him. For his hair. His back. His face. Him. And he caressed me right back.

‘I’m sorry,’ he murmured between our kisses. I opened my eyes and withdrew with effort, but stayed close.

‘For what?’

‘For what happened to you. For me being an asshole-‘

‘I think we already passed that stage-‘

‘-And I’m sorry for getting mad when you hesitated to be seen with me in the Dining Hall.’ It sounded pained. That could’ve been from the fact that Baz Pitch was apologizing to me, Simon Snow. But, like I just said, I think we had passed that stage.

‘It’s okay’, I only said.

‘No, it’s not-‘

‘Well, maybe it wasn’t okay back then, but we both only had half stories. And in the meantime, way too much has happened to worry about that.’

Baz opened his mouth, to argue further I think because that’s how things go between us, but then seemed to hear something.

‘She’s coming back,’ he said. About five seconds later, I too heard in the distance her heels clicking on the floor. ‘I think I’m going to close my eyes a little more.’

‘What if she asks if I’ve noticed anything?’ I asked.

‘Just say I’m okay, but tired and that I immediately fell back asleep.’ He looked at me as if thinking his words over. ‘Unless she’s going to make you leave me when I’m okay.’

I grinned softly and squeezed his hand. ‘Chances are that happens.’

‘In that case, don’t say anything at all,’ and he laid back down and closed his eyes after one last look for me right before the nurse entered. She made her way towards us and placed a plate full of scones and a fresh pot of tea on the nightstand after vanishing the empty platter.

‘There you go, mister Snow,’ she said not unkindly before strolling away. I picked up a scone, still hot and no butter in sight, before ripping a piece off and bringing it to Baz’s mouth. He accepted it, still with closed eyes, and murmured so inaudible I wasn’t sure if I was meant to hear it: ‘Guess there’s a heaven for me after all.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now Baz knows. And now you know.  
> And now Simon is ready to heal again <3


	33. 33: Epilogue

**BAZ**

Apparently, I wasn’t the first one to invent an ‘audio message’ spell, which made me feel foolish to no end. Then again, I did invent a spell, so teachers were impressed anyway when they found out. I still had to go and search for something new, but Bunce had already suggested to research or brainstorm together. I guess she asked me in the first place because Snow was no use for her, but I think she enjoyed our academic squabbles just as much as me.

With the Mage gone and Bunce’s mother as temporally headmaster, we had access to a lot more books, where we took full advantage off. I had already asked my father if he was able to help and expand the library. He clearly had not expected me to ask to help ' _a family like the Bunces’_ , but when I dropped they already permitted forbidden books that the Mage had hidden in his office, together with books from mother he had whisked away, he got convinced rather quick.

Bunce was impressed at my achievement, even if she didn’t show it, but honestly, the Old Families aren’t that bad. Just a little stuck-up. And old fashioned. And convinced that they are right in everything.

‘Hey, there’s Aggie!’ Snow almost yelled in my ear. I flinched and threw him an annoyed glance he did not catch because he was too busy waving Wellbelove over.

‘Simon, for the thousandth time, you can’t just raise your voice in the library!’ Bunce said before I could. We shared a glance on instinct because we knew it was helpless.

Snow shrugged. ‘How else am I supposed to call her over?’

‘What about waving or walking to her?’ I suggested.

‘Nah, too exhausting,’ he answered distracted. ‘Hi Aggie, how are you?’

‘A little too much work for my liking, but that’s nothing new. What’s up with you guys?’ Wellbelove asked while sitting down next to Bunce. She glanced at what she was reading and turned up her nose ever so slightly.

‘We’re studying for some test tomorrow,’ Snow said, doing everything but studying.

‘You’re just waiting for me to explain it,’ I called him out. I turned the page I had summarized and wrote down the new subtitle. In the sideline, I drew a small heart for when Snow would use my notes again because I was weak.

‘Which is what you would do if you were me,’ he muttered with his head in his hand. Under the table, I reached for his leg, which earned me a smile.

‘I doubt you guys get done a lot of studying once your back in your room,’ Wellbelove taunted in a sneaky voice I had never expected from her. But then again, I only really got to know her since hanging out with Bunce and Snow. The latter turned red at her words, but I remained cool.

‘If it wasn’t for me, that would be the case. But Snow is lucky with such a self-restrained teacher like me.’ That earned a laugh from both of them and a smack on my arm from a now even redder Snow.

‘That’s not- Baz! What is that supposed to… I don’t-‘ he stammered and I smirked.

‘It’s not? Pray tell me, how much did you manage to study from the pages you promised to read yesterday?’

Agatha put her hand to her mouth, preventing the snort to come out and Snow glared at me as if I had stolen the last scones on earth.

‘Traitor,’ he growled, aggressively piercing his pen in the table next to other holes of frustrated students. Bunce glanced at him and the wood and flicked her wand with a murmured **As good as new** when he was done.

Wellbelove was looking at something over my head and I followed her gaze. Dev and Niall had entered the library and passed our table in search of a place to sit. There was a flash of hesitation in their features, but they both nodded at me before choosing a table not so far from us.

‘How did they react?’ Wellbelove asked me in a low voice. I raised an eyebrow and said deadpanned: ‘They bought me a rainbow flag and organized a coming-out party with the Old Families. After their speech of course, where they told me they accepted me in every way and that they would always be there for me. We all cried and then danced the polonaise.’

Wellbelove raised an eyebrow right back (where did this girl come from?) and then nodded as if I had predicted that we were about to expect rain tomorrow. ‘That sounds about right’, she said.

‘They’ll come around,’ Bunce said without looking up. ‘If your dad can find peace with it, they won’t stay behind for long.’

‘Your dad was okay with it?’ Wellbelove asked stunned. ‘Just like that?’

‘No, not ‘ _just like that’_ , I imitated her voice, at which she huffed indignantly, ‘but he already knew I was gay and I think Daphne had a good talk with him after that night the Coven came here.’

‘She invited me over for Mordelia’s birthday,’ Snow said with a hint of wonder, ‘and Christmas!’ I felt his legs swinging back and forth and couldn’t help a smile.

‘Wow, that’s great!’ Wellbelove exclaimed happily and both Bunce and I shushed here.

‘Library’, Bunce said. She and Snow both rolled their eyes. He looked adorable, but I was with Bunce on this one.

‘Can’t we take a break?’ Snow moaned. ‘We’ve been here for hours.’

‘Aleister Crowley, we’ve been here for exactly thirty minutes and you haven’t even opened your book,’ I objected. The idiot grabbed the cover and pulled it open with a thud on a random page.

‘I did though. Can we go outside now? I swear if we’re not going before sunset, we’re missing the last beautiful day this autumn.’

‘That’s what you said yesterday. You can’t forecast the weather, Snow. I’m sure there will be other days, but there are no other tests. Exams are coming.’

‘But Baaaaazz,’ he whined like a baby and Bunce, Wellbelove and I groaned in unison. Snow pouted and that was it.

‘Merlin, you’re a child,’ I scolded him and started putting away my stuff. Wellbelove was already standing and nudged Bunce her shoulder.

‘Come on, Penny, it’s been a while,’ she said with a sweet smile and Bunce scowled.

‘You’re just as bad as Simon,’ she said but started cleaning up anyway. Wellbelove made a shocked sound and placed her hand over her heart, but was quickly over the accusation and made her way outside after flipping her hair over her shoulder and getting a lot of stares.

Snow wasn’t staring at her. That glorious bastard was staring at me as I closed my backpack.

‘What?’ I asked, a little nervous. That’s what he did to me. A Pitch. He stared at me and made me nervous.

‘Nothing,’ he said. ‘Just… I like it when your hair isn’t slicked back and falls over your face.’ He stepped closer and reached for a loose strand to tuck it behind my ear. And no matter how much he touched me, it still felt as if I got blessed by the sun himself.

‘Ugh, please, save it for your room,’ Bunce groaned miserably before following Wellbelove out.

‘Oh, we will,’ I said mischievously at her back and Snow snorted.

‘I thought you were the so-called self-restrained teacher?’ His eyes flickered with amusement and I wanted to pull him into a forgotten corner and snog him until I had to keep him upright.

‘But I am. And as a teacher, I need to teach my student lessons.’ Which was a bold statement, and I would be blushing if I was alive. Wonderfully, Snow blushed for both of us. Gnawing on those sinned lips, he debated to himself what to do.

‘First, we go outside with Agatha and Penny,’ he said in a hoarse voice that really did it for me, ‘then, you teach me all about those lessons, so I’m prepared for the test.’ And before I could react to this extremely arousing demand, he pulled me along and outside the library, away from all the preening eyes.

Aleister fucking Crowley, I planned on never slicking my hair back again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg... the last chapter... I can scarcely believe it  
> ThAnK YoU soOOOoooOoOooooOoO much for reading, and commenting, and giving kudo's, that meant the freaking world to me!!!!!  
> I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did  
> I wish you all the love and luck ❤️❤️❤️❤️


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